Archive for Real Talk

Totally Real Photo: R.A. Dickey Hoists the Stanley Cup

dickey cup

As a Canadian, who at any given moment in time has at least one right-handed hockey stick and a pair of hockey gloves in my car, the above image — totally, 110 percent real — pleased me. Quite a bit, actually. More so than it probably should have.

My first thought was: “This might be the closest I get to seeing a professional athlete who plays for Toronto win the Stanley Cup.” My second thought: “R.A. Dickey is celebrating the Blue Jays winning the offseason.”

And, make no mistake: the Blue Jays won the offseason. Last year at this time, we in Toronto were worried about who would play left field, Travis Snider or Eric Thames. This year, Ricky Romero, the Blue Jays’ Opening Day starter in 2012, is at the back of the rotation. Everything’s changed. The offseason of my dreams is over. Now comes the hard part. I’m both very excited, and, frankly, worried. What if it all goes wrong?

Image credit: My man @james_in_to.


A Midwesterner’s Guide to Spring Training

suitcase

By my best estimation, I have never spent more than nine consecutive days not in the Midwest. It is where I was born. It is where I live. It is a thing that forms who I am as a person. The sadness of this statement is not lost on me.

But there are small windows in a Midwesterner’s life where they get to escape the vapid tundra they inhabit and make a pilgrimage south. Some go to relax, some go to imbibe excessively, others have ideas of gambling or swimming with dangerous and/or cute ocean creatures. But we baseball fans, we have a different guise in which we venture toward more habitable climates. There is meaningless baseball that needs to be observed first-hand. But do not let the inviting warmth of the sun act as a false security blanket. Traveling, even for baseballing purposes, can be treacherous. Allow me to submit some tips on what to seek and avoid while dragging your frozen ass to Spring Training.

Read the rest of this entry »


How About a Hacky Tim Lincecum Column?

licecumhaircut

There’s a divide between bloggers and we who actually cover sports between paying attention to numbers versus how a player actually looks on the field. Last year, Giants’ pitcher Tim Lincecum did not have his usual stellar numbers. He walked too many people. He gave up too many home runs. He won five games less than he lost. His appearance matched his numbers. He looked dejected and lost. He looked like he forgot how to win. One thing that didn’t change was Lincecum’s long locks. Lincecum has been dubbed The Freak, due to his unusual pitching delivery, but that title could have easily applied to his, let’s say lady-like hair.

Well, it appears as if the mane is gone.

I, for one, am glad. Whenever I saw Lincecum, I couldn’t help be reminded of the diamond heroes of my childhood; Mantle, Yaz, Drysdale. These men were poster boys for the way a ballplayer should look. They were the faces you imagined when you thought of the greatest players of the gentleman’s game. These were prototypical champions. They belonged on baseball cards and cigarette ads and cereal boxes.

Lincecum, with his hair falling out of the back of his hat, reaching his shoulders at times, looked more like a poster from a skateboarding magazine.  Some players like to have their abilities do all the talking for them. Lincecum, blessed with great abilities at one time, let his slacker looks tell the fans all they needed to know. Here stands a pitcher who is more interested in looking good than playing well. Cal Ripken never had long hair. Neither did Jeter or Bench.

But now, much to the chagrin of the female fans (and probably some men, too – it IS San Francisco, after all) Lincecum has shorn his selfish moptop. Much like his probable favorite band, Metallica, he is going for a more clean demeanor.  He looks more like Koufax than Gene Simmons. More Seaver than Tom Petty.

Perhaps this will help him get back to his true form. The hours spent fixing his do can now be spent throwing bullpen sessions or studying hitters. With athletes now-a-days more interested in their next tattoo or how much their jeans cost, it’s good to see a player go back to his roots (no pun intended).

We’ll know in a couple of weeks if Lincecum the Pitcher is back to his old self. But one thing is for sure. The new-look Lincecum is a sight for sore eyes. He may still be a boy of summer, but he looks like a man with a purpose.

(photo via Alex Pavlovic)


The Four Old Obituaries of Young Al Thake

The author has reason to believe (which is to say, he probably read it in the New Yorker once) that it’s a not uncommon practice among certain Buddhist monks for them (i.e. these same monks) to spend hours meditating upon the reality of their own future deaths — with a view, one supposes, towards demystifying same.

A much less common, but entirely similar, practice is to meditate on the death of young Brooklyn outfielder Al Thake, who drowned less than a month before his 23rd birthday while fishing in New York Harbor in 1872.

His obituaries, presented below, appear to be the oldest extant ones among professional base-ballists.

For example, from the Brooklyn Eagle (September 2nd, 1872):

Thake 1

Read the rest of this entry »


Other Grandpa Sayings Scott Boras Can Use

crasnicktweet

The above tweet is from Jerry Crasnick, and is a quote from superagent Scott Boras.

While one can’t help but appreciate Mr. Boras’ savoir faire, this line is totally something my grandpa, or perhaps your grandpa, would say.

If Mr. Boras is reading this — and since he most certainly has a Google alert set up for himself, I assume he is — I offer him some other Grandpaish sayings to use whenever he feels the need arise:

Regarding the household: A Happy Wife is a Happy Life

Regarding productivity: There’s No Substitution for Elbow Grease

Regarding bathroom etiquette during water shortages: If it’s Yellow, Let it Mellow. If it’s Brown, Flush it Down.

Regarding platonic relationships: You Can Pick Your Friends, and You Can Pick Your Nose, but You Can’t Pick Your Friend’s Nose

Regarding arguing tactics: Don’t Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining

Regarding for whom one should root: My Favorite Team is the [local team] and Whoever is Playing the [most direct rival to said local team]

Regarding choosing a sexual partner: You Don’t Stare at the Hearth When You’re Poking at the Fire

Regarding the Chinese: *removed by administrator*

Regarding an appropriate time to consume alcohol: It’s Noon Somewhere

Regarding the usefulness of a thing: That’s Slicker than Snot on a Doorknob


Possible Mishaps Regarding Bullpen Cell Phones

tmobile

News broke yesterday regarding Major League Baseball’s new partnership with wireless phone provider T-Mobile, in that the traditional bullpen landlines will be replaced by T-Mobile cellular phones in a way that won’t be ostentatious at all, I’m sure. The following are possible mishaps that will spiral from this new, most executive of partnerships:

The influx of camera shots on the bullpen will force bullpen managers to stay awake for the whole game.

Makers of fart apps will see a drastic spike in profits come April.

Everyone’s walk-up music will be that “One, Two, Kalamazoo” song.

At least one person is getting Favre’d from the dugout.

Double-Bubble Groupons.

Attempting to text in his request, Bud Black asks for Miles “Molpjwa” to warm up.

Upwards of 10,000 “Can you hear me now?” jokes from television broadcasters.

T-Mobile Girl totally botches the National Anthem at the Wild Card play-in game.

Glitch allows T-Mobile customers to use their MLB At Bat app to change scoreboard messages.

Tim Lincecum gains 70 pounds, as he is now able to order pizza from the dugout.


Inserting Rondell White’s Name Into Corporate Emails

Here, we insert Rondell White’s name into an email the author received not very long ago:

Please be advised that there will be a change in the voicemail setup.

Any Saved or Unheard message will automatically delete after 60 days.

Heard messages will automatically delete after 30 days.

Once these messages are deleted, they will not be retrievable. They are permanently deleted from the Rondell White.

Starting Monday, you should receive a message (marked below in yellow) indicating “Warning” or “Notice” that messages will be deleted or were deleted if you have any messages that fall in the parameters above.


The Two Faces of Chris Archer

By now you most likely have, being a baseball fan and all, heard of the recent trade between the Kansas City Royals and Tampa Bay Rays. You have also probably noticed a plethora of Hot Sports Opinions™ on the matter. I feel no need to offer more of these, but I do feel a need to talk about Chris Archer’s face.

With the subtraction of James Shields and Wade Davis from the Rays’ rotation and bullpen, respectively, there is a very good chance that we will get to see more of Chris Archer in some capacity in 2013. Archer is 24, and was listed by Baseball America as the Rays #1 prospect in 2012. He logged only 29 innings in 2012, and though his ERA was high, he flashed good strikeout numbers as well as an 86 FIP-. He may very well turn out to be a good pitcher, or not. Again, not my department.

What interests me about Chris Archer is his strange ability to make only two types of faces. The activities of the banal everyday may not coax a myriad of expressions from us lowly ne’er-do-wells, but Archer is a baseball player. He gets paid to play baseball. Surely, he can surmise at least a handful of expressions to portray the proverbial thrill of victory and/or agony of defeat. Nope. Behold the two faces of Chris Archer;

Read the rest of this entry »


Using Ichiro as a Crux for Social Commentary

Whilst browsing Twitter last week, I came upon a post from a Mariners fan known as @ichimeterlady. In said post, she included a note written by former Mariners player, Ichiro Suzuki. It can be seen below (click to blow that shizz up, yo.)

Read the rest of this entry »


Ken from Marketing Attempts Small Talk re: Baseball

Hey, man. I just wanted to go over these product updates one more time before we send the brochure proofs to the printers. Oh, hey, is that a baseball on your desk? Wow, cool. Oh, it’s signed, too? Who signed this? I can’t make out the name. Nolan Ryan? He was a pitcher, right? Thought so. Did he play for the Yankees? Oh. I don’t know very much about baseball.

So anyway, the biggest changes were on the second and third paragraphs. Just make sure that the language is right…

Are you sure Nolan Ryan didn’t play for the Yankees? Really? Who did he play for? Who are the Astros? Oh.

Do you think “revolutionary” is too strong a word? I don’t want this thing to sound too flowery, you know?

My cousin lives in New Jersey. He’s a big Yankees fan. He talks about them all the time. I think he has that thing … you know where they like give you all the tickets? Season tickets. Right. He has season tickets to the Yankees.  Pays a crap ton of money for them, too. Season tickets and alimony, that’s where all his money goes.

Traci was worried that that third line there — yeah there — Traci said that it was too long. She said to keep every sentence to ten words at the most. I think it was ten. Maybe it was twelve. There should be an email about it. Do you want me to forward it to you?

So do you go to a lot of games? Yeah? Who’s your favorite player? Just pick one. Hmm, never heard of him. Does Barry Bonds still play?

I’m not really a sports guy. I played lacrosse in high school, but that’s about it. I watch the Super Bowl, I guess. The Giants won last year. Who won the World Series? Really? Wait, there’s two teams in … oh, San Francisco. Isn’t that where Barry Bonds plays? Right, played. Thought so.

All right, so are we cool on this brochure? Great. I’ll finish the proofs and have them ready for the meeting at 2:00. You’re coming to that right? There was an email about it. Do you want me to forward it to you?