The nomination process, which was just delightful, is now complete. And now, citizens of America and her conquered lands, the time for taking part in the illusion of democracy has come.

The FanGraphs Administrative Subdivision Devoted to Patriotic Outcomes, known in commoner’s pidgin as La Svetlana, has whittled the list of vetted eligibles down to 10.

Your guiding query: Which player, because he is joyous, should be nicknamed “Opening Day”? Vote with care, caution and undying fealty to Dear Leader …

Thank you for exercising the franchise.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Nick Swisher did something humorous and unmentionable to the nickname “Señor Buttcheeks” and got a hearty laugh from all the cool kids. So Mr. Swisher has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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The nomination process, which hurt so good, is now complete. And now comes the business of voting. The Sergeant-at-Arms, who wears a zippered, latex mask and is known only “Maximum Jones,” has whittled the list down to 10 finalists. From these you may choose, albeit at great personal hazard …

Shit just got real.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Derek Jeter had sex with the nickname “L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” and left it a gift basket. So Mr. Jeter has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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The nomination process, which pairs wonderfully with an artisanal Brie, is complete. The list of names has been whittled down to 10, and one of those names is a player rumored to be retired. In this instance, however, a dispensation — a French dispensation — has been granted. The act of doing so involves a kiss on each cheek between resigned drags on a Gitanes. Now go and vote, wine-drunk functionaries …

Thank you for exercising the franchise, absurd and meaningless though it may be.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, R.A. Dickey laid uninspired claim to the nickname “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons.” Although the name indubitably should’ve gone to Eric Sogard, Mr. Dickey has, in unmoved, assembly-line fashion, been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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Blood has been spilled by the point of a rogue’s knife. Mead, gruel and pipeweed have been consumed. Elvish maidens have been consensually ravished. Orcs have filibustered. Owlbears have cut a murderous swath through the streets of America. And so the nomination process is complete. You may choose — carefully and at great personal hazard, of course — from the following 10 names. Who, villagers of Zargmoranathtauften, should be nicknamed “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons”?

Thank you for exercising the franchise.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Mark Hamburger, to the disappointment of many, claimed the nickname “Gomez’s Hamburger.” So Mr. Hamburger — and not Malcolm Clapsaddle, whom taste and horse-sense would seem to endorse — has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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Names have been placed into nomination, Gomezes have been eaten, and hamburgers have been sexed. Thus, the time for voting is nigh.

The question before you, the obsequious, poo-slathered citizen steeped in delusions of enfranchisement, is this: which player should be nicknamed “Gomez’s Hamburger”? To the Diebold voting machine/Sybian!

Thank you for exercising the franchise, such as it is.

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Omar Vizquel was swaddled in the nickname “Soft Corinthian Leather.” So Mr. Vizquel has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

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