Archive for Naming Names

Sometimes, even the loquacious NotGraphs staff is rendered speechless. Sometimes, a writer so thoroughly destroys an idea that there’s little to add. Sometimes, we can just stand back and golf clap for a well-executed and funny idea.

That, my friends, is the case with SBN editor Jon Bois’ latest piece about the best names in baseball history. Not only did he find such greats as the pictured Cannonball Titcomb (the most famous of the Titcombs), but he added such gems as the following conversation in the Balfour family:

MRS. BALFOUR. What should we encourage him to be when he grows up?
MR. BALFOUR. A pitcher.
MRS. BALFOUR. A major league pitcher? Do you know how astronomically unlikely that is?
MR. BALFOUR. We must find a way.
MRS. BALFOUR. Okay, well, what should we name him?
MR. BALFOUR. Grant. Grant Balfour.
MRS. BALFOUR. Hmm, that’s a nice… wait. That would be a terrible name for a pitcher to have! Why do you want to name him that?
MR. BALFOUR. I hate him.
MRS. BALFOUR. How can you hate him? He’s just a newborn baby!
MR. BALFOUR. I hate babies.

Really, is there any way to add to this discussion? Some names fell through the cracks – Tris Speaker is notable, we can wish prospect Ray Liotta had made the majors, and Jimmie Foxx has two X’s, which is two more than I’ve got – but he really hit this one out of the park. So we’ll quit writing now and just bask in the glow. Bravo Mr. Bois, bravo.

So Ty Cobb’s great-grandson, who’s named Ty Cobb, plays hoops for Occidental College in Los Angeles. That’s cool. Young Cobb was also a heavily recruited left-handed pitcher in high school, but, well, let’s say he doesn’t share Great-Gramps’s enthusiasm for the most sacred of human endeavors:

“My heart wasn’t in it,” said Cobb, who is averaging 3.1 points and 2.9 rebounds in 13.6 minutes off the bench for Occidental. “In fact, I almost quit baseball several times. Basketball has been my favorite since I was really young. It’s always been what I wanted to play. It’s my true love.”

Given what we know about the original Ty Cobb’s competitive zeal and dedication to craft, don’t be surprised if he rises from the grave, kicks down the gates of the Rose Hill Cemetery and zombie-shuffles his way to So Cal, all to hand-deliver a vigorous spanking to the spawn of the spawn of his spawn. Or maybe the original Ty Cobb is merely smiling on approvingly, proud of his great-grandkid’s sense of individuality and quiet defiance. Probably the latter.

Then there’s this from Ty Cobb v2.0:

“It’s kind of a double-edged sword,” Occidental’s Cobb said of his name (he doesn’t share a middle name with his great grandfather). “Sometimes it’s cool. But sometimes I get a lot of unfair comments. Some people will say that Ty Cobb was a bad guy and he was a racist. I always have to explain to them that’s not true.”

Yeah, that’s got to get old. I don’t know whether Cobb was racist relative to the low standards of the times (after all, if, like me, you’re a board-certified white person of a certain age, then your great-grandpappy was probably on the racially insensitive side), but that has nothing to do with Occidental’s Cobb.

On this point, the lessons of Avenue Q are as penetrating as ever …

As Dan Shaughnessy or any self-aware electron will you, it pays to go negative. So in keeping with that wisdom, we’re going negative in this space and handing out a few “Anti-Awards” for the 2010 season.

First, though, something must be said. Even lousy major-league baseball players are better at baseball than I am at anything in the world. Now I feel better.

Read the rest of this entry »

If I’ve learned one thing in this world, it’s that NYC tabloids are never wrong. So that’s why I believe the Daily News when it tells me Yanks outfielder Nick Swisher and actress Joanna Garcia are to be wed this weekend.

My own wife, who I assume was coconuts from pregnancy hormones at the time, went through a three-month or so phase of watching “Reba” on the CW every day. So I feel like I’ve watched Joanna grow up. Or not.

Anyway, Swish seems like a good egg, and I can guarantee you no professional athlete can claim this:

Reba McEntire, Jamie Lynn Sigler, and Lance Bass will serve as part of the bridal party, Us reports.

Next up for the future Mrs. Swisher? Doing Laura Posada’s laundry as part of her Yankee Wives Club pledge requirements.

There’s not much need for introductory throat-clearing: Baseball has an impossibly rich history when it comes to player nicknames, and what follows are the 10 very, especially, most greatest of all …

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Back in early September, the Mariners Double-A affiliate — hitherto known as the West Tennessee Diamond Jaxx — changed their name to the Jackson Generals, both as a nod to an earlier incarnation of the team and also guns.

Now, the team would like to utilize the public’s collective imagination.

Boom, reportage:

The Jackson Generals have a new bulldog mascot and he needs a name. If you have an idea, complete the entry form with all required information and include a name you want to suggest for the mascot.

Grand Prize:

-Two (2) season tickets to 2011 Jackson Generals home baseball games

-The opportunity to introduce the mascot on opening day (April 13, 2011)

-A pizza party in the Grand Prize Winner’s classroom

In the event that you’re saying aloud, right now, “I am super desperate to hear Carson Cistulli’s thoughts on this particular matter,” well, you’re in luck, reader, on account of how I have (a) some free time and (b) a computer.

First of all, that prize confirms a suspicion I’ve long held — namely, that people will do any sort of thing for a pizza party. Though I haven’t stated it expressly in these pages, I’m not afraid to admit that I am, in fact, paid for this job not in dollars but in pizza. Believe me when I say I make some serious dough. Amirite?

Second, I’ll announce here that, on account of I’m an American wordsmith, I’ve personally submitted some ideas to the team.

Boom, creativity:

• Martial (or Marty, for short)
• Bell, The Bellicose Bulldog
• Jackson, The Dog That Oversaw the Forcible Removal of the Cherokees from Their Tribal Lands

Third, and less flippantly: there’s probably a smart and sensible discussion to be had here with regard to the use of military imagery in sport — the motivations for doing so; the differences between consumer-friendly cartoonish images like the one above and other, more realistic representations; how veterans themselves respond to portrayals of the military in popular culture.

Like I say, someone could have those conversations. Seeing as the blog form isn’t particularly friendly to informed conversation, though, I’ll opt instead just to crack wise and then hit publish.

H/T: Ben’s Biz Blog