When we think of Washington Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, we usually think of this mug:

Well, prepare to have that little world rocked like an infant in a cradle built out of a pure dose of Alice Cooper’s aura. Behold:

Not only is this 19-year-old outfielder sporting some early-career facial hairz, but he his also being penciled in by some as the starting center-fielder for the Washington Nationals. That’s a lot of awesome for a fella two years younger than the drinking age.

Oh.

And he might be Zorro. Just — please — don’t tell Sgt. Gonzales…

Ignore, for the moment and if you’re able, the hipster virulence in the belowly embedded action-video footage — ignore Those Who Ruin Everything — and instead focus on what’s important and right-wise: that John Axford has been named the Mustached American of the Year:

While Mr. Axford is not American, he indubitably embodies the American spirit, particularly in his choice of tailored vests. However, he is not mustached. He is mustachioed.

He is pistols at dawn. He is making his fortune by importing silk garments and exotic spices. He is invading the Duchess’s boudoir. He is making love to love.

(Butterfly kisses: Hall of Very Good)

We believe, and by we I mean right-thinking North Americans, that mustaches and spectacles are inherently good. Indeed, one Dayn Perry scours the Internet day and night searching for the finest in spectacle- and mustache-related content. He has made NotGraphs your one-stop shop for spectacles, mustaches, and spectacles plus mustaches. Veritably, this site is the world’s foremost authority on spectacles and mustaches.

But, alas, I am here as the cold shower to your clearly aroused state, regarding said facial accoutrements.  As my dear grandmother likes to remind me when I steal her prescription medications, too much of a good thing is bad for you. To wit, I ask…nay, demand…you behold the evolution of one Kenneth Allen Phelps:

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Gorman Thomas threw the ceremonial first pitch at Sunday’s first game of the 2011 NLCS. Thomas is one of the seminal Brewers from the 1982 club which also challenged the St. Louis Cardinals in the playoff, albeit one round later. This is what Gorman Thomas looked like back then:

Thomas wasn’t born in Wisconsin — he’s actually a southern boy, from South Carolina, but that’s the kind of rugged facial hair we Midwesterners appreciate. If Robin Yount and Paul Molitor were the Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder superstars of that 1982 team, than Thomas is the Corey Hart — a power-hitting southern boy with wild facial hair (although Gorman pulls it off… a little bit better).

This was the first time I’ve seen Thomas outside of highlights and pictures from the heyday. But really, one look at the man swinging the bat in the powder blue and gold and then one look here, at the man throwing out the first pitch for the navy and barley, and, well, was anything else really possible?

Sure, we’ve gone from the total package to a classier, mustache-only look, but these are simply the things that happen with age. Good for Gorman — coming back to Milwaukee, supporting his team, and probably living the Wisconsin lifestyle. A true Wisconsin legend, in the flesh.

Walt Williams, man. What can you say? It’s one thing to have played Major League Baseball. It’s another to have played Major League Baseball without a frigging neck.

Respect, Walt Williams.

Chest bump: Old Time Family Baseball. They did incredible work this past season. I urge you to check them out, because I’ve no doubt they’re going to bring the blogging pain during the playoffs.

I dare you to look at the aged — yet oddly handsome — face of Dusty Baker, and not be impressed. I don’t know about you, but I see wisdom.

I see a mix of young and old: A pair of stylish frames I’d most certainly rock; a Phiten Tornado necklace; and some gray, some years, both in the mustache and soul patch that Baseball Lifer Baker wears so well.

I see a reflective man, one who ponders his place in the universe, who contemplates when he will be freed from the shackles of Bronson Arroyo.

I see a leader’s mustache; a manager’s mustache. Respect, Dusty Baker.

Image courtesy Reuters, via Daylife.

Before the writer makes love to the reader with words, your Daguerreotype of the Evening …

Ignore, if you can, the dystopic Uniform from the Future and instead bathe in the glow of what is the lushest mustache you’ll see until the next time you run into an oil wildcatter at the saloon in 1891. This is the mustache a John McGraw Man wears. It is a mustache known throughout history as “The Payback McGloin.” It is Jeff King’s mustache. It is your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

Rays pit boss Joe Maddon has always been a gentleman of fashion and leisure, and being a gentleman of fashion and leisure means bowing to the times. Your Daguerreotype of the Evening proves that Mr. Maddon is no stranger to the dictates of one’s era …

Wisdom: When in Rome do as the Romans do, and when on a golf course dress like a buffoonish buffoon given to buffoonery. This, of course, did not apply to Joe Maddon, who, when on the links, dressed like a conqueror of something they said couldn’t be conquered.

Snifters up, dons, cavaliers and men of noble breeding!

(Mustachioed golf clap: Aaron at HBT)

The Tampa Bay Rays have not had a proper submission to the Mustache Watch archives since the days of Dale Thayer — which actually predates the Watch — so it is good to see them aim for a late-season push with quality submissions such as the above-featured John Jaso.

In the presented image, we Jaso’s mantastic face-stache displays some of its incredible flexibility, miming the governial concernedness of Nehemiah Green, Kansas’s most famous fourth governor:

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Flourishing almost a hundred years before the birth of Pharrell Williams, Fleet Walker was the original black nerd. Not only did Walker run his own newspaper and manage an opera house, but, as a graduate of Oberlin College, he likely could fashion a pipe out of any number of household items.

It was for this — and also probably how he was the first African-American in the majors* — that the Toledo Mud Hens presented the first thousand fans at this past Monday’s game with a Moses Fleetwood Walker bobblehead.

*Evidence suggests that William Edward White appeared in one game with the Providence Grays in 1879, but was hardly a fixture in the team like Walker.

The attentive reader will note that Walker’s excellent mustache was not neglected in the creation of this True Collector’s Item. The attentive reader is also invited to cast his eyes below, where (upon clicking) an alarmingly sized image of said bobblehead is available for consumption-via-eyes.

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