There have been many attempts in the past to understand the method behind Dayton Moore’s madness* – including undercover ninja raids of the Royals front office, and speculations that he was engaged in a duel to the death with Omar Minaya  – but to this day no one has yet succeeded. His so called “Process” remains as mysterious today as the first day he told fans to trust in it, making it the great unsolved mystery of our time. Amelia Earhart’s got nothing on Moore.

And yet….we’ve finally found it. Unearthed by the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, we’ve discovered the Holy Grail:

A Jump to Conclusions mat – of course! I can just imagine Moore now, standing in the middle of his office and asking aloud, “Should I trade Grienke or not?” He closes his eyes, says a quick prayer for good luck, and jumps into the unknown. “Got an offer? Take it.” As Moore moves to the phone to call the Brewers back, he inadvertently steps on the mat one more time. With the receiver in his hand, he looks down at his feet only to see the words, “Why Not Yuni?”

*Is it just me, or does it feel passé to make fun of Moore these days? It was all the rage last year, but the level of snark has lessened recently and I feel behind the times in writing this post. But if we can’t make fun of Moore, what General Manager can we make fun of? Now that Minaya is gone, is there anyone else out there near his level of craziness?

If I learned anything over the offseason, it’s that ESPN’s Enrique Rojas has got Latin America covered. And I mean covered. If there’s baseball news coming out of the region, Rojas is bringing it to you.

He’s a must follow on Twitter. Even if, like me, you are the furthest from fluent in Spanish, but enjoy reading words like “beisbol” and “Cardeneles.” And then saying them over and over in your head, in your finest Spanish accent.

Seriously, though. Rojas. The man owns Latin America. Edgar Renteria disrespected by the San Francisco Giants? Rojas let us know. Octavio Dotel to the Toronto Blue Jays? Rojas dropped that bomb. Vladimir Guerrero to Baltimore, and Jose Bautista’s long-term, arbitration-avoiding deal in Toronto? Boom, Rojased.

Heard this: Enrique Rojas knows how old Jose Contreras really is.

Thanks to the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, a unit I’ve developed quite a fine rapport with since I joined the NotGraphs team about three months ago, I’ve learned of some of Rojas’ previous scoops, in years gone by:

In 1961, Cuban intelligence knew the Bay of Pigs Invasion was coming. It was an Enrique Rojas tweet that alerted them to it.

In October 1962, it was Rojas who let the world know of three-way talks between the United States, the Soviet Union, and Cuba; the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Years later, in 1993, Rojas tipped Colombian authorities to the whereabouts of Pablo Escobar, the world’s greatest drug lord, whose Medellin cartel fashioned itself “the New York Yankees of the cocaine world.”

In 1994, Enrique Rojas — still bringing the top-notch reportage, showing no signs of slowing down — broke word of another significant three-way deal: NAFTA.

Impressed? You should be. Now give it up for Mr. Rojas. We likely wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him.

Image courtesy Christopher Hall.

You may recall yesterday that you read of Padre Cameron Maybin’s gastrointestinal pratfalls that came to him courtesy of Panda Express. You may also recall that Mr. Maybin took to The Twitter to express his disdain for Panda Express, and finally you may recall that it subsequently came to light that a prominent member of the Padres ownership hootenanny spends his downtime, presumably under cover of night, as CEO of Panda Express. From that point, the plot, much like a Chinese entree made with too much cornstarch, thickened.

The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team undertook rigorous delving (i.e., I happened to run across what follows in my Google Reader) and, well, behold what Mr. Maybin now says on The Twitter:

Man just got back on the wagon panda express was great today, now I’m ready for action…. Best oriental cuisine around… Let’s go…!

That kind of cynical capitulation should lead you to a couple of assumptions: one, Mr. Maybin received a talking-to or at least a hard, knowing glance; and, two, he’s not yet eligible for salary arbitration.

In related news, I can’t say enough good things about Dave Cameron’s line of handcrafted origami hobbits! My shelf is overflowing!

Who doesn’t love a good death threat? While this bit of sociopathy isn’t quite as beautiful as the recent lawsuit filed against P-Diddy, it’s still pretty crackin’ good.

Obviously, the best part is when threatener assures the threatened that the address on the envelope is indeed fake — just in case Mr. Smoky Joe Wood was pondering putting the fuzz on the scent or seizing the initiative and showing up for pistols at dawn.

Curiously, Mr. Wood wound up curiously dying at the curious age of 95. Suffice it to say, the Investigative Reporting Investigation Team is on it like something that adheres quite strongly to something else.

(Curtsy: Deadspin)

This image, current as of 12:46pm ET on Tuesday, confirms what has long been brewing — namely, that workers of the Baseball Think Factory have organized a strike and will produce no new content for the site until ruthless boss Dan Szymborski meets their demands.

The Investigative Reporting Investigation Team will report details as they become available.

UPDATE: As of 12:53pm ET, the site appears to be running smoothly once again. Strong-arm tactics on the union’s part? Dirty dealings from Szymborski? We may never know.

This slice o’ genius over at DRaysBay is the best bit of Internetty-sportsy deconstruction I’ve run across since this … or maybe this.

Anyhow, this blessed little photo mash-up tells the story better than I can …

That, folks, is GomesRage, and despite what Reds fans might tell you, GomesRage is alive and well at the Trop. I don’t want to over-summarize and dull the wonders to be found within this featured link, but let’s just say the 2011 Rays, despite a talent exodus and budget so tight that a strategic default on a delivery pizza is a realistic possibility, can still throw the beefs. As you’ll see and savor, the post’s author, CBJones, proves it with fancy numbers, including Acronym of This and Any Other Millennium BRAWLFENSE. Even if it weren’t an acronym, BRAWLFENSE demands to be capitalized!

In a related matter, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has uncovered footage of the 2011 Rays at work and play in the mean streets of St. Pete:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXPiIuKBiVA

(Thanks to cherished reader Cooper Toledo and his awesome name for the heads-up. And, yes, it’s apparently On-Field Violence Day here at NotGraphs. Celebrate it with someone you loathe!)

File what you’re about to witness under Dayn Perry’s How to Improve Baseball.

Note the batter’s fine acting job after getting hit by an off-speed pitch, the double-360, and his eagerness in getting to the mound. Impeccable form, even though he went down in defeat.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m quite certain I’d find chicken fighting much more entertaining than the mostly underwhelming basebrawls we witness every summer. At the very least, it would guarantee everyone’s involvement in the proceedings. There’s nothing I hate more than watching the relief core’s walk of shame back to the bullpen after only words, and not punches, are exchanged.

And know this: Gandhi — whom the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has learned was quite the baseball fan back in his day, Babe Ruth his favourite player, believe it or not — would have wanted it this way.

Hat tips: To Royals Review, and our baseball-loving cousins in the Far East.

Sleep easy tonight, my friends. According to Louisville, Kentucky’s FOX41 News, The Baseball Cap Bandit, responsible for keeping store owners in Kentucky and Tennessee up into the wee hours of the morning, has been captured. William Cunningham’s reign of terror is over.

Hillview Kentucky Police say 62-year-old William Cunningham was caught on surveillance tape at the Cracker Barrel restaurant gift shop in Bullitt County. They say you can see him taking collegiate caps, stuffing them in his jacket, and leaving.

Police believe the Nashville resident has a routine — traveling from Tennessee to Kentucky, normally on Tuesdays.

Detective Danny Cook explains, “Repeatedly traveling from Nashville where the gentlemen is from, up to Louisville, once a month, doing these kind of thefts is kind of unusual. But we see shoplifters hit the same locations that are local, but this is the first time where I have seen them travel from out of state.”

Shoplifting out of state. Every Tuesday. You know, there’s something to be said for routine.

This just in: The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has learned that Hillview Kentucky Police, after being granted a special request by Albany Police, had Ken Griffey Jr.’s rookie baseball card work The Baseball Bandit’s interrogation. Mr. Cunningham refused a laywer, and admitted to his crimes. In record time, according to Hillview Kentucky Police.

Authorities are in the process of determining just how many baseball caps were swiped, but of this they’re sure: Cunningham was selling the caps on the streets.

Ken Griffey Jr.’s rookie card, lover of baseball caps, was naturally pleased with the outcome of the case.

“We’ve got to keep dirty baseball caps off the streets, man,” it said. “Or at least the clowns who wear them like douchebags.”

Image courtesy craniumfitteds.com.

For many 9-year-olds the country over, the 1989 Upper Deck Ken Griffey card was distinctly an Item of Interest. It was the No. 1 card in the company’s inaugural set, and it featured Griffey, who quickly became not only really good at baseball, but also the sport’s symbol of youthful joy — a trait he exhibited most conspicuously by, for example, managing to wear his hat backwards in a way that somehow wasn’t douchey.

With regard to the card itself, like I say, it was in the highest of demands. Would I, personally, have killed for it? No. That’s ridiculous, of course. But maimed someone badly? You know, it’s hard to say. All these hypotheticals, right?

In any case, beyond its other charms, the Griffey card is now also fighting crime!

Reader Steven brings this news story to our attention, courtesy of Albany’s WNYT (which, I’m told, offers “coverage you can trust”):

ALBANY – Ken Griffey Jr.’s rookie baseball card has led to the arrest of two men by Albany Police as detectives connect them to two burglaries last fall on Madison Ave. and Broadway in the city.
Gregory Amyot, 35, and Robert Spraker are charged with one count each Burglary (2nd and 3rd Degree) and Grand Larceny (3rd and 4th Degree).

Back on Nov. 4, 2010, Amyot and Spraker were arrested for possessing a stolen credit card, police said. Surveillance cameras inside the Price Chopper at 40 Delaware Avenue caught them attempting to use the stolen credit card in the early morning hours of November 1, according to Det. James Miller. At that time, officers found they had a valuable stolen baseball card – Griffey’s – that was taken during a burglary of 498 Madison Avenue.

Detectives investigating that incident, as well as a burglary of an architecture firm’s office on Broadway, were able to connect Amyot and Spraker to both. They were both charged late Friday afternoon and arraigned in Albany City Criminal Court on Saturday. Both men were remanded to the county jail without bail, Miller said.

Since that story ran, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has also learned that the Albany Police have, in fact, hired the Griffey card to help solve other difficult cases. “We don’t know exactly how we plan on utilizing the card,” said Police Chief Steven Krokoff, “but it obviously helped us in this one instance. Why not others?”

Krokoff also noted that, while he’s totally willing to keep an open mind about things, there’s no way he’s trading with Rochester for their dumb Canseco Rated Rookie card, so they better just stop asking.

Biggest of hat tips to reader Steven, who, again, alerted us to this very important thing via our hot hotline: not+tip [at] fangraphs [dot] com.

Western Civilization seems to be circling the drain these days, so baseball might as well get in on the act. To that end, we have “Cleat Chasers,” the latest offering from the ubiquitous sub-genre of reality programming (curtsy: Hardball Talk). The executive summary:

“It’s a reality show about girls who stop at nothing to score with athletes while they are away from their wives and girlfriends during baseball spring training,” a source close to casting told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “It’s about girls that have gone pro in the sport of ‘cleat chasing.'”

Objectification en masse and calculated erosion of the family unit? I’ll take two!

Item!: A highly placed source tells the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team that the “Cleat Chasers” pilot will feature Snooki giving Ichiro a “Happy Clancy” in the men’s room of a Del Taco in Tucson!*

(* – Patently untrue, and the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has no idea what a “Happy Clancy” is or whether such a sordid indulgence even exists.)