Archive for Hopeless Joe

1. The Tigers will not win the AL Central. Too many people are predicting them to be good. Expectations never did anyone any favors. People used to expect things from me. I showed them. The Tigers will wilt under the pressure. 50 wins, if they’re lucky. 35, if the strike happens, as I suspect it will (see prediction #8). 30, after the loss of Justin Verlander (see prediction #6). 25, after the loss of oxygen (see prediction #4). Also, after a confused employee in the team’s marketing department messes up his instructions for arranging a commercial shoot, a real tiger will maul and then devour the entire starting infield.

2. At least one major league stadium will burn down during a game, killing thousands of people, with the entire event captured on live television. Does no one else realize what a fire hazard all of those deep fryers are? There are so many french fries and onion rings being casually dipped in hot oil, without taking into account the dangers. Surely we have gone too long in this country without a massive, devastating fire. We’re overdue. And television cameras will capture all of it — the screaming, the burning flesh, the slightly-tragic loss of human life. I know I’ll be watching.

3. The Astros will move back to National League. Change is hard. Change is scary. Sometimes too hard, and you just want to run back into the warm comfort from where you came. Sure, they weren’t doing very well in the NL, but the last place they know is better than the last place they don’t. Led by the blinding speed of Jose Altuve (see prediction #5), they’ll run right back to the NL before April is even over.

4. The baseball season will be cut short due to atmospheric changes leading to a decline in oxygen levels and the extinction of virtually all life on Earth. I realize this is a fairly bold prediction, but no more unlikely than R.A. Dickey repeating as Cy Young winner or Tim Lincecum returning to form. We take for granted how unique the conditions had to be for the planet to support life. We will take it for granted no longer.

5. Jose Altuve’s speed will blind someone. I’m not sure who. This prediction is a little fuzzy. Might be the anti-psychotics I’m taking.

6. Justin Verlander will die of lung cancer. Being around Jim Leyland for so many years has to take its toll. There’s no way there aren’t tumors growing in pretty much everyone on that team. And you know what they say about tumors. Undetected, they continue to grow, and eventually cut off the blood supply to major organs. Verlander, on the mound one minute, convulsing in front of second base the next minute, laying unclaimed in a morgue two hours later, his family kidnapped by bandits on their way to collect the body.

7. Rooting for your favorite team, either from home or live at the stadium, will influence the outcome of exactly zero games, and zero individual player performances. Paul Konerko is going to hit that home run off your fantasy team’s ace starter whether you watch or not, no matter who you pray to, and no matter how much you delude yourself into thinking you can control the outcome. Sorry, folks. Also, if you’re having trouble at home, retreating to your man cave to watch a weekend doubleheader isn’t going to help. Your wife is still sleeping with the plumber. And there’s a huge leak in the pipes, which means that man cave is about to sink into the dirt and be swallowed into the depths of the planet.

8. A baseball strike cuts out 50 games in the middle of the summer. No, the contract isn’t expiring, but do we really think ballplayers are bright enough to realize that? Some precipitating incident — a Ryan Braun suspension, for instance — will lead to the union going on strike, and, just like last time, owners scavenging among the desperate and unemployed to find replacement players. I’m willing to be your backup catcher, Mr. Wilpon. Yes, even in my wildest fantasies, I am merely a backup catcher. Future bench coach. If you’re gonna dream, dream big.

9. Juan Ovieda will change his name back to Leo Nunez, because it’s hard to live someone else’s life without becoming too attached to let go.

10. Finally, thousands of children will get injured playing Little League baseball, because every year thousands of children get injured playing Little League baseball. Too much of a downer to end on? Okay, at least one child will not get hurt playing Little League baseball, and some team is going to win the World Series, whether they deserve it or not. Really, it’s all pretty much random chance anyway, so what’s the point of caring? Happy 2013!

What can I say, really? Like all of my fantasies, I died in the end. I mean, I guess I didn’t actually die, but I almost electrocuted myself trying to restart my wireless router, which did, I suppose, actually die mid-draft. We should all be so lucky. I’d tell you who I ended up with, but what’s the point? It doesn’t count. Not that real baseball counts either. It’s a game. I’ll never understand how some people can get so worked up over a game when there are people starving in Africa, in Asia, and right here, in my living room. Three cats and a dog, all starving. Who has the energy to think about feeding them when there are people starving in Africa, Asia, and so many other places around the world?

I used to think it would be nice to visit some of those places, but then I realized I’d probably just end up being one of the starving ones. Chris Sale seems like he’s probably starving. So skinny. Oh, and he’s on my team. I outbid everyone else for him. Finally won something, two hours into the auction. It must be a fantasy if I’m winning something. Wow. Thinking about starving made me bid way too high for Mike Trout. Sophomore slump is coming, I’m sure. But his name is a food and I was hungry, so I went to 50 for him. Why not throw as much as I can on a couple of superstars, right? You never know when a bomb’s gonna go off and the draft is going to suddenly come to an end. And then it matters whether I stopped at 48 for Trout? No, if you want someone, you draft them.

I feel so bad for Mike Trout. Reaching the pinnacle of his career — of his life — at such a young age. There is nowhere to go but down. I don’t even know how he gets out of bed in the morning. Nowhere to go but down, Mike. Speaking of nowhere to go, Kyle Lohse. I feel like Kyle Lohse and I have a lot in common. Nobody wants us, not even the Astros. I bid a dollar for him at the end of the auction and got him. We’ll show them, Kyle. We’ll show all of my self-important leaguemates, with their jobs and their families and their breakfasts and lunches and dinners. We don’t need any of that. We have each other.

We also have Bartolo Colon, because you can’t think about starving people around the world without thinking about the guy who ate all of their food. I also went to $3 on A-Rod, but, hey, I can’t really bring myself to draft a guy who’s in even worse shape than I am.

Good luck in your drafts too!

Q: Hi Joe, with the Giants having home field advantage in the World Series, how will the Tigers pitchers fare when having to bat in San Francisco?

A: Terribly. And that’s if they even get a chance to come to the plate. With all of the line drives bouncing off their heads, who knows if the Tigers pitchers will even survive the whole week.

Q: What do you think of the umpiring crew?

A: I think each member is bound to make an incorrect call that will haunt him for the rest of his life.

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Q: Why should I be patient with Justin Upton in a keeper league?

A: Because he may need all the compassion you can offer. Often times, you don’t know what medical problems may be lurking beneath the surface, undiagnosed, causing significant drops in production without logical explanation. By the time they think to perform the right tests, it could be far too late, and Upton could be well on his way to an early grave. And you wouldn’t want to be the owner who dropped him three weeks before the flesh-eating bacteria consumed him whole. (Unless you’re just that competitive, in which case the stress is likely to bring you down as well.)

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Q: Thoughts on Gose getting called up to the bigs? And will he stay up when Bautista comes back?

A: Who knows, but I hope Gose is enjoying it, because this is probably going to be the highlight of his entire life, and, how old is he, 21? Odds are he fails, just like everyone else who tries to do anything, and even if he doesn’t fail, he’ll probably get injured. So my thoughts are that he should get a long-term deal in place by the end of week or else start reading some toilet repair books for his future career after he completely washes out.

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