Archive for Feast Days

Today, we raise our cups (and/or licorice candies) and commemorate solemnly three lives.

Hear our prayers, oh unnamed and unnameable!

Lenny Dykstra!
You don’t appear to’ve figured out
the finer points of civilian life,
have, in fact, been dispossessed
of your business ventures, all known assets,
and, it would seem, most of your dignity.
But you were also the sort of person
whom people felt compelled to address as “Nails”
and memorably announced that you would “stick it”
to great left-hander Steve Carlton.
You have taught us unknown lessons!

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Handsome kickboxer Dave Cameron has already, in these very pages, explored the “Best Shape of His Life” phenomenon, which, much like tax software, is too much with us this time of year. You know the routine: this guy lost x number of pounds on a diet of nothing more than falcon’s livers and melted snow, this guy now makes love only in a hyperbaric chamber, this guy had tiny robots put in his eyes, this guy went to a Tony Robbins seminar at the Ramada by the airport, etc. Mostly, these re-stoked innermost fires we hear about amount to nothing.

So it is with great relief that we learn of at least two baseball-ists who are bravely resisting, doughtily storming the Bastille of wellness. Particularly inspiring is the story of young Pirate phenom Pedro Alvarez:

It will take a big man to carry the Pirates offense next season, but not quite as big as Pedro Alvarez happens to be at the moment, sources indicated. Alvarez has put on a few pounds this off-season. At last report, the third baseman had ballooned in excess of 240 pounds, at least 15 pounds more than he finished last season.

If the reports are to be believed, then Latin food and buttercream frosting are the supporting heroes of this story. One player, though, does not make a movement. But two players? Two players make a revolution:

[Joba]Chamberlain appeared to be about 10-15 pounds heavier than last season. That is going to cause alarms to go off in the Yankees universe, but Chamberlain said he feels as if he’s in shape. He even built a gym at his home in Nebraska.

Chamberlain, of course, was already no stranger to the business end of the BMI scale, and now he’s stuffed himself with a few more pounds? Welcome news, yo.

Given the recent disappointing life decisions of CC Sabathia, someone needed to step up and assume the role of “Porcine Robespierre of the Worst Shape of His Life Resistance Movement” — a proud lineage that includes the hot dog-fingered likes of Babe Ruth and Terry Forster.

While hope may not walk among us, thanks to Messers Alvarez and Chamberlain it may well shuffle and trudge and take frequent rests among us.

Yesterday, in these pages, I proposed that, as is common practice for important figures in the Eastern Orthodox Church, that it might be appropriate to adopt “feast days” for baseball players who are important to the history of this honored game.

Today, we feast in the name of five players, as follows (each with accompanying prayer):

1. Vladimir Guerrero

Vlad!
You’ve taught us that not only is it impossible
to walk off the island, but also to walk
out of Montreal, Orange County, and the Dallas Metro area!
Hear our prayer!

2. Mookie Wilson

Mookie!
Somehow you’re both uncle to and stepfather of
former major-leaguer Preston Wilson.
Also, your name is Mookie.
Let’s celebrate our differences!

3. John Kruk

John Kruk!
You’ve demonstrated, via your six years on Baseball Tonight,
that some, if not all, things are better left unsaid.

4. Vic Wertz

Vic Wertz!
You hit the ball that Willie Mays famously caught
and then died suddenly while working as a beer distributor.
Not on the same day.

5. Tex Hughson

Tex Hughson!
You’re from a generation
that had some important ideas
about what to call a man.
Hallowed be thy nickname!

Though I’m not part of it, an aspect of the Eastern Orthodox Church that I admire particularly is their tradition of feast days for saints. Nor is this a pastime reserved merely for the big-time stars of the Bible, but one designed to preserve and observe the lives of minor church figures, as well.

For example, locating the appropriate page at the website for the Orthodox Church of America, we find that, today, Orthodox followers remember, among others, the Great martyr Theodore Stratelates (a.k.a. “The General”).

The briefest research reveals that Theodore was not only “endowed with many talents, and was handsome in appearance” but that he was also

arrested and subjected to fierce and refined torture. He was dragged on the ground, beaten with iron rods, had his body pierced with sharp spikes, was burned with fire, and his eyes were plucked out. Finally, he was crucified.

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