Today’s edition of the Los Angeles Times features an interview by T.J. Simers with Tommy Lasorda, the latter of whom — we’re led to believe — spends the bulk (get it?) of the interview talking between mouthfuls of delicious breakfast foods.

Because you’re a free person, you’re welcome to read the article in its entirety. Otherwise, regard these two passages, which one might safely describe as being “full of joie de vivre.”

Passage One: Mike Scioscia also likes eating.

I told [Mike] Scioscia when he played for me that I’d give him $100,000 if he lost 20 pounds,” Lasorda says by way of retort. “But I told him he had to put the check in his son’s bank account. Well, he lost the weight, I paid him and then he put on all the weight he had lost.”

There is no pause between bites.

“Ever hear the story about Scioscia down in the Dominican? We were always worried about his weight. [Former GM] Al Campanis tells someone to get him a bicycle and count how many miles are on it at the end of each week.

“One day Mickey Hatcher hears this bike pedaling like crazy. He’s impressed. He opens the door and Scioscia is lying on the couch with a pizza on his stomach and some Dominican kid pedaling the bike.”

Passage Two: Tommy Lasorda also likes gambling.

Last week, he delivered one of his inspirational speeches to Wisconsin upon its arrival for the Rose Bowl. He says it would have been better had it come directly before the game.

Wisconsin lost.

“They beat the spread, so that helps a little bit,” he says with a laugh.

Having lived in Wisconsin now for about five months I can attest to the fact that, while the regional fare isn’t exactly what you’d call “heart healthy” or “good for you in any way,” it provides quite a lot in the way of “taste sensations.”

Now you, bespectacled reader, can participate in the joyous culinary tradition of this Midwestern Wonderland!

Regard:

Provided the image just above these words — and the webpage from which said image has been shamelessly stolen — provided those things aren’t lying, the Milwaukee Brewers are offering the opportunity to submit a new concession item ahead of the 2011 season.

Another, slightly different webpage has these details:

There’s a limit of one entry per person, and the club is looking for equal parts creativity and practicality. The items should be suitable for preparation and serving in the ballpark environment. Representatives from Miller Park’s concessionaire, Sportservice, will initially review all received entries and narrow the list to 10 selections for a panel to consider.

That group that includes Brewers general manager Doug Melvin, executive vice president of business operations Rick Schlesinger, former outfielder Gorman Thomas, Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel food writers Nancy Stohs and Jan Uebelherr, executives and chefs from Sportservice and representatives from Milwaukee restaurants Carnevor and Dream Dance.

The panel will select four finalists on Jan. 26, and then it’s up to the fans. Voting will continue through Feb. 3, and samples from the four finalists will be available for sampling at the Jan. 30 “Brewers On Deck” event at the Frontier Airlines Center.

Though NotGraphs is unable to substantiate the rumors, there’s talk that one of the prizes is a long, soulful conversation about xFIP with new Brewer Zack Greinke.

*Note: As commenter sgardner notes, Justice has actually been sensibly critical of the Houston front office, leading one to imagine that Justice’s tongue is firmly in his cheek here. That said, it’s still interesting to consider how a regular reader might respond to Justice’s post differently than a casual one, like myself.

Life can be scary. Starting around 21 or 22 years of age (generally speaking), one is tasked with the responsibility of feeding and clothing oneself — a not-unsubstantial chore, indeed. Not long after that (again, generally speaking), one is asked, in addition, to feed and clothe other, smaller people, as well. This is particularly burdensome, as there are laws against ignoring or throwing off bridges these smaller people — laws that could force one to spend the rest of his life in prison.

On top of all this, there’s also the sense that — in addition to providing enough in the way of financial compensation — that the work one chooses ought to be fulfilling in some way. “If I’m going to spend 40 hours a week doing something,” goes the reasoning, “it ought not to be something that represents a constant assault on my values and/or taste.”

Understanding this — i.e. that life is fraught with all manner of difficulty — helps us feel sympathy for each other. Certainly, it’s something that a reader should keep in mind when approaching the most recent dispatch from Richard Justice of the Houston Chronicle — an article that begins with this headline:

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The image you see above these very words is the computer-generated likeness of Minnesota catcher Joe Mauer, and it (i.e. the image) is relevant to these pages not merely because Mauer has redefined the use of sideburns in American culture, nor for the fact that he’s served admirably as a spokesman of MLB: The Show, but because Mauer himself has just today (maybe) been announced as the poster boy for the 2011 edition of The Show, as well.

If you want a review of the game, you’ll have to read every last one of Jon Robinson’s words on the matter. In the meantime, though, here are some of those words, regarding one of the game’s biggest changes — i.e. analog controls for almost errything.

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The Washington Nationals introduce new outfielder Jayson Werth today at 1:00pm ET and, thanks to the wonder of the internet, you can watch the relevant press conference live, live, live via CSN Washingon’s website.

Though we’ve been unable to substantiate the rumors, NotGraphs has gotten word that the Nationals have had to employ extra security for the event on account of how everyone will be trying to throw their panties onto the stage.

H/T: Nats Insider

I’ve no idea how long it’s been available, but ESPN has introduced to the public consciousness a game called Salary Crunch. To play Salary Crunch, one merely selects the visage of a highly paid athelete, enters his (i.e. this “one” we’re talking about) annual salary, and prepares to be amazed at how little he earns relative to said athlete.

The results are predictably absurd. Using $30,000 — or roughly the median American income — we find that Mariano Rivera makes this sum after .09 strikeouts. We find also that our median American would have to work 500 years to equal Mr. Rivera’s 2011 salary.

It’s not all bad news, though. Per a study recently released by Princeton University’s Woodrow Wilson School, income doesn’t have an appreciable effect on happiness after about the $75,000 threshold.

Obviously, the only question one can really ask is: “How much are these big contracts really Werth?”

H/T: The Nats Blog

A frustrating thing about being a curious person who’s never played baseball at the highest levels is that it’s impossible to know with any sort of precision what the most pressing concerns are of the typical Major Leaguer.

Moreover, perhaps because they’ve spent most of their lives trying to be excellent at the sport, most baseballers aren’t particularly adept at articulating these concerns.

These two facts conspire occasionally — and, perhaps, more than occasionally — to create a disconnect between those who analyze the sport and those who could, potentially, benefit from such analysis.

Of course, there are exceptions. Like Morgan Ensberg, for one. And Doug Glanville and Brent Mayne, for two others. If you haven’t investigated their blogs, you’re invited to do so.

And, while you’re at it, please consider Matt Antonelli’s blog, as well. Unlike Ensberg or Glanville or Mayne, Antonelli lacks a substantial Major League resume, having compiled only 65 plate appearances while navigating a couple season’s worth of injuries.

That said, the Padres farmhand possesses a couple traits necessary for good writing — including self-awareness, for example, and, it seems, a sympathy for the difficulties of being a reader. He also is pretty adept at articulating experiences that are totally unique to his status as Professional Baseballer.

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Either a little bird or the official site of Major League Baseball — I’m not telling which — has informed this author that Bob Uecker is the feature guest on MLB Network’s “Studio 42 with Bob Costas,” airing this Friday at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT.

Uecker, in the event that you’re unaware, currently holds the title of Best Person Imaginable, an honor bestowed upon him by all the gods of all the different religions. Also, for reasons I’m pretty sure I made clear over over at Larry Granillo’s Wezen-Ball this past July, Uecker has distinguished himself for his capacity to navigate the rough waters of life with apparent ease.

Because of MLB.com’s video policy, you’ll have to follow this link to watch the teaser for show. In the meantime do please (a) watch that video up there with Norm McDonald and/or (b) revel in the following anecdote, about the guest appearance Costas made in Uecker’s booth this past August.

Costas was in Milwaukee for a ceremony to honor Major League Baseball Commissioner Allan H. “Bud” Selig, and stopped by the radio booth for what was supposed to be a quick visit. Uecker talked Costas into calling a few innings, including a very tough sixth for Brewers left-hander Manny Parra.

“A ringing single for David Eckstein,” Costas quipped at one point, “who, in my view, is the perfect size for an American male.”

As the Padres knocked Parra around, Costas noted that some in the Miller Park crowd had begun to voice some displeasure.

“Bob, don’t take it personally,” Uecker said. “The booing will stop.”

As previously reported in these electronic pages, Oriole pitcher and writing Dutchman Rick VandenHurk has spent the last couple weeks in Europe with teammates Adam Jones and Jeremy Guthrie — plus some other baseball-types — offering instructional camps to tiny little foreign people.

Or, I should say, he was in Europe. The group has now concluded their duties abroad and flown back to the US of A. Even so, that hasn’t stopped VandenHurk from attempting to charm your pants off one last time.

Of note from VandenHurk’s most recent dispatch:

• More instances of totally unnecessary, but still entirely delightful, capitalization — including the words/phrases Indoor, Big Welcome, and Clinic.
• A brief account of a PSV Eindhoven match.
• Which, that means Adam Jones was at a PSV Eindhoven match.

Finally, and extra specially, the careful reader will note that the perpetually considerate VandenHurk signed his name “Vandy” in observance of Ron Gardenhire Day.

It’s likely, reader, that you remember something called the Holiday Inn Look Again Player of the Year Award. It’s also likely that you remember it for the same reason I do — namely, because its existence was brought to your attention via Fire Joe Morgan, where Junior (a.k.a. Alan Yang) revealed — rather predictably, perhaps — that a disproportionate number of nominees for the award (including winner David Eckstein) were on the caucasian side of things.

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