Archive for Discovery

In the song “Piazza, New York Catcher” from their album Dear Catastrophe Waitress, Belle and Sebastian (and frontman Stuart Murdoch, specifically) make specific references to a Mets-Giants game.

Question: are Belle and Sebastian referring to a real or imagined Mets-Giants game? And, if it’s the former, can we identify which game?

First, let’s consider what we know — both from information in the song and with regard to Piazza himself.

We know:

1. That, owing to references in the song regarding Piazza’s sexuality, that it (i.e. the song) was almost certainly written after May 22, 2002 — i.e. the date on which Piazza held a press conference (following a New York Post story) to declare his heterosexuality.

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It is not irony, but rather some version of meaningful coincidence, that Rob Deer — who distinguished himself as a ballplayer for his commitment to the three true outcomes — that Deer’s options for offseason employment (at least ca. 1987) would so obviously have just one possible outcome.

My poor kid is sick and now it’s like a Madison Bumgarner start in here. #snotrockets

— Drew F (@DrewGROF) December 10, 2012

Baseball has offered to the English language a number of expressions with which to colorfully and compactly describe otherwise mundane or more complicated ideas. To say, for example, that something has “come out of left field” means that it’s surprising and unexpected. To “hit a home run” with a project means to do a great job with it. To “get to second base” with a special lady means — according to my wife, whom I trust implicitly — means to quietly read in the same room as her and not touch her or even look at her, if at all possible.

Most of these expressions, however, have lost their original vitality through repetition. In the face of this, however, the very kind and even more baritoned Drew Fairservice of Getting Blanked offers us the above-embedded message regarding the similarities between a Madison Bumgarner start and his own spawn’s ill health.

Now, NotGraphs is happy to release — in the same spirit as Fairservice’s missive — is happy to release today five (five!) new baseballing expressions for common use.

Five expressions like these five:

Expression: Delmon Young Career Arc
Meaning: Promise, followed by disappointment — also, then maybe followed by a very public display of anti-Semitism.
Example: “My college career was real Delmon Young career arc. I started with a scholarship, but flunked out by sophomore spring. Also: Jews, amirite?”

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The type-written sentiment to follow, which was found taped above Doug DeCinces’s locker during the 1979 World Series, is as 1970s as catching the clap during an urban riot …

There are things the modern gentleman can still say, such as “Please” and “Thank you” and “When in Tangiers, one does what one must.” One cannot, however, utter — in such a precise sequence — the words taped above Doug DeCinces’s locker during the 1979 World Series. But forgive the year 1979 and its discontents; for the music was too loud, the coke and ass too beguiling.

But let us not leave on such a note. Along comes a gentleman — quite possibly Al Bumbry — to redeem team, clubhouse and year of our Lord …

A rogue chooses hat and outwear the color of gold bullion. A gentleman chooses hat and outerwear the color of gold bullion frightened by the possibilities.

I hope you’ve learned something, Inexpedient Decisions of 1979.

(Source material: The YouTube)

Doubtless, you have heard about Ambrosial Danny Heep Nachos, the delicious, piping-hot bowl of tri-cornered chips and fresh flesh named after former Astros, Mets, Dodgers, Red Sox and Braves outfielder Danny Heep? Surely you have heard tell and caught whiff.

Scrumptious is what they are. Yet they are not scrumptious because they were lovingly prepared by retired outfielder Danny Heep. Lo and no, they are scrumptious because when one consumes an inviting heap (Laughing Out Loud) of Ambrosial Danny Heep Nachos, one necessarily eats many tiny Danny Heeps. Bear whetted witness …

Do the living morsels of Danny Heep tartare wish to die gruesomely in the service of your maw-stuffing pleasure? No, they do not. They must console themselves with the promise of contributing to your mounting angina pains. Being as they are quite tiny, though, they have little say in the matter. So consume without ceasing. We can always breed more tiny Danny Heeps.

Please do enjoy your Ambrosial Danny Heep Nachos in commemorative Franklin Mint Rock and or Roll serving crock.

News you can use… to feel better about your own drinking habits.

Dayn Perry, of both CBSSports.com’s Eye on Baseball and the present charming weblog, made it known recently during an appearance on FanGraphs Audio that he has made a habit of recording, via some manner of internet spreadsheet, a (mostly) accurate account of the number of adult beverages that he (i.e. Perry) has consumed every day since last November.

Today, by means both nefarious and degrading, the author has acquired the internet spreadsheet in question — to which spreadsheet the reader himself can gain access by clicking here.

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This will not be the first time that I’ve bemoaned the slow death of eBay, which has essentially devolved into a different, more poorly organized version of Amazon.com. As the proliferation of “online stores” with one-price sales has continued, the online auction site no longer gives us a conception of the free market at work. For example, a search for “Chone Figgins Mariners Jersey” reveals no item costing less than forty dollars, which may be forty times the actual price point according to supply and demand.

Even so, a good economic market has occasional irregularities and inefficiencies that speak the interest of the purchaser, and give him or her the hope that offsets the effort of shopping. Essentially, we want to capitalize on someone else’s inability to detect the value of their own merchandise. We want free stuff. Thus today I present a collection of baseball paraphernalia that has, in recent times, been free on the internet, selling for six cents or less, including free shipping (and handling). Even the envelope used to mail these items are more expensive than the purchases themselves. All of these could have been yours – and perhaps, with luck, they still might be someday.

MEMORABILIA CATEGORY

Photocopy of Joe DiMaggio’s Death Certificate ($0.01): I have to admit, this is both strangely compelling and morose. There’s an undeniable urge to treat anything baseball or baseball player-related as collectible, not so much out of callousness or greed but in our interest in compiling the history of the game we love. But what do you do with a death certificate? You can’t frame it. You can’t really celebrate it. And yet, for a penny, I could see myself buying it. Should I feel bad about this?

For those with moral qualms, there’s also an equally useless but less squicky copy of Roberto Clemente’s original contract with the Pirates.

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Jeff Karstens knows many things. He knows how to throw a fastball. He knows how to operate a door to a hotel room. And Jeff Karstens certainly knows how to conquer women. His sexual exploits are things of yet-to-be-discovered lore. When it comes to the realm of the opposite sex, and the subsequent mounting there-of, Jeff Karstens prefers quantity to quality. You don’t stare at the hearth when you’re poking at the fire, you know?

Now, you too can possess the same prowess once only known to Jeff Karstens. Introducing DERP: A new fragrance for men. (The next section requires, nay, DEMANDS, that you read the italicized words with an internal whisper.)

A fragrance by and for known gallivanters and fornicators.

DERP.

Also works well as a hair tonic.

DERP.

Featuring the essence of animals unknown to our civilization.

DERP.

Can be used to unclog pipes and as emergency lawn mower fuel.

DERP.

May cause internal bleeding.

DERP.

Do not use near open flame or mammals.

DERP.

Creating a scent that is somehow audible.

DERP.

Ladies will come running, though they may not stop when they reach you.

DERP.

DERP is can be found at all major truck stops across greater western Pennsylvania, and wherever fine taxidermy is sold.

Once the leaders of the 2012 National League Central, the Pirates are in the midst of a second-half collapse such that they may not even finish the year at .500. What a surprise. But winning the division, according to an alleged email sent out by assistant General Manager Kyle Stark, would only have been a lesser prize. The alleged email says that “the biggest impact we can have in the second half is developing more Hells Angels.” This all came out as part of a report on the Pirates September Instructional League training which apparently included many elements from “intense Navy SEALs drills.” In part of these drills, players were supposedly required to engage in hand-to-hand combat, during which pitching prospect Jameson Taillon received a (minor) knee injury. Sounds like a bad movie I once saw…

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Q. Who has two thumbs and likes watching Trevor Rosenthal pitch? A. Cardinals fans who’ve avoided farming accidents.

— Carson Cistulli (@cistulli) September 22, 2012

Q. Who has two thumbs and likes watching Trevor Rosenthal pitch?
A. Cardinals fans who’ve avoided farming accidents.

Q. Who reads at a college level and likes watching Trevor Rosenthal pitch?
A. Not a plurality of Cardinals fans, one assumes.

Q. Who has two thumbs and harbors largely unfounded notions regarding the intelligence of the Cardinals’ fanbase relative to other fanbases.
A. The author of this post.

Q. Who might suggest, were he alive, that the author’s motivation for harboring such notions about Cardinals fans is a product of his (i.e the author’s) attempts to make a display of whatever he has in the way of “social capital.”
A. French sociologist, and author of Distinction: A Social Critique of the Judgement of Taste, Pierre Bourdieu.

Q. And what are we to learn from this brief examination?
A. That human frailty is ubiquitous, grotesque.