Archive for Call to Action

Do you have a voice as sweet as honey-baked ham sans ham, which I imagine would be quite sweet? (Food metaphor! … Actually, food simile, but rules of usage, much like parents, just don’t understand.) If that describes you and your pipes, then the Chicago Cubs are leveling their Uncle Sam-like pointer finger in your direction. That means they quite possibly want you!

Yes, the Cubs have teamed with CareerBuilder.com, which is a computer Web site that helps you build your career, to find a a new public-address announcer. Some qualifications:

If I were Rick Reilly, at this point I would include yuks like … “Preference given to those who are also left-handed relievers. Ha!” Or: “Don’t worry about the whole ‘play-off games’ part. Ha!” Or: “His doctor told him to play 36 holes a day, so he went out and bought a harmonica. Ha!”

Instead, I’ll focus on the grim “periods of extreme weather” throwaway line and warn you that in Chicago we sometimes have … THUNDERSNOW!!!1!1!!!ONE!!1!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJt4nV6hM1Y

ARGH!

But seriously, the Cubs are looking for a new P.A. announcer, and by using the Careerbuilder.com interface you can —

Shit: THUNDERSNOW!!!1!1!!!ONE!!1!

Readers and critics of late American novelist David Foster Wallace will be thrilled to learn that somehow, someway, SB Nation’s DRaysBay has acquired a previously unheard-of manuscript by that same, great author.

It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure-type novel and has been penned under the pseudonym CBJones, but, owing to the scope of the plot and sheer resonance of the prose, it’s very clearly the work of DFW.

Enjoy it at your own risk by clicking here. And listen to me, please, when I say, “Don’t order The Special!”

What sort of friend would I be if I didn’t inform you that another season’s worth of MLB.TV is now available in exchange for American currency.

Just by looking at the landing screen (which you can see in fullest glory by opening the image above in a new window), it appears as though the “Premium” option is the best value. Also, it has three extra checkmarks below it and all of those checkmarks are bigger.

If you don’t have $120 to afford the Premium option, might I suggest asking your parents? Or maybe like a wealthy aunt or something? Because that’s what I’d do.

In just a short amount of time, NotGraphs has distinguished itself for its heady content and hard-hitting reportage.

Now’s your opportunity to participate in this phenomenon that no one in particular is describing as “the most important thing there is.”

“How?” you ask. Keep reading!

The advent of The Year 2011 in Baseball brings with it a litter of baseball annuals and other published materials of the print and electronic variety. We at NotGraphs are interested in reading and shamelessly promoting such items under the guise of a “review.” But before we do that, we need you to send us this stuff for free.

The ways of contacting us are manifold — and many are unrepeatable in mixed company — but the most efficient way is by emailing us at not+tips@fangraphs.com with information about you, your finely crafted product, and other relevant information. We will almost definitely reply without delay. We will almost definitely want your free stuff.

When it comes to child-rearing I (a) have no first-hand experience whatsoever but (b) possess an inordinate number of opinions on how strangers could be doing it better. Yes, I’m aware that this is an unattractive combination — one quite hostile to people who’re tasked with the responsibility of raising the leaders of tomorrow. And, yes, I’m definitely about to elaborate on this most indefensible of positions.

Particularly, I’d like to address the pang of hurt that manifests itself in my soul when I read press releases with headlines like this one (courtesy of the Seattle Mariners)

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Earlier today, Full-Time Employee Dave Cameron announced that FanGraphs will be hosting not one butbutbut two live events in Phoenix, Arizona — on March 11th and 12th, respectively.

While Cameron’s notice surely gives a basic sense of what to expect, I thought I might elaborate on some other notable events that are sure to occur as the weekend unfolds.

Here are they are, in no particular order:

• Eno Sarris will not once be seen in the same room as Malcolm Gladwell. This, of course, has less to do with their physical resemblance and way more to do with how Macolm Gladwell will actually just be swimming in a pile of money in some gigantic New York loft apartment.

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Oh don’t worry B-R, I’ll be ready

The great Sports Reference Head Honcho Sean Forman has put out a bulletin looking for subjects to test the new Sports Reference sites. For only one hour of your time between February 9th and February 18th, you’ll receive $50 and the official uniform of the new world order a Baseball-Reference t-shirt. Of course, as with all great things, there is a catch. This time, the catch is that said testers must go to the city of Philadelphia, a fate survivable by only the most hardy.

Baseball-Reference is a tremendously useful resource, even given all we have available here at FanGraphs, and it’s in the best interest of every baseball fan to make sure that the site runs as smoothly and efficiently as possible. If you live in the Philadelphia area, this would be a great opportunity to pick up a quick buck and help out the online baseball community at the same time, and that’s something we can all get behind.

I, for one, think I have a good thing going with my planned fantasy baseball team name for next season: “Kevin Cash Considerations.” Over at RotoHardball, where some colleagues and I (including NotGraphs own Eno Sarris and RotoGraphs’ Zach Sanders) have run a fantasy mock draft. We had a couple of creative names in our group (“Steve Garvey’s Billfish Classic” and “Punxsutawney Phil Hughes” were pretty good I thought), but many lacked spunk (“Sanders’ Squad”? Really, Zach?). It’s become abundantly clear that even though some of us are experts of fantasy baseball, we’re not experts on picking awesome team names.

For that reason, I ask you, the loyal and stalwart NotGraphs reader, to help us, fantasy experts and the fantasy community at large, with this problem which pervades the industry. Submit, for the greater good, excellent fantasy baseball team names so that we can rid our standings page of drab, boring monikers.

Along with “Kevin Cash Considerations,” I would also throw in “Harangutangs,” “Magic Wandies,” and any line from the song from The Simpson’s episode where Mr. Burns hires various MLB players as ringers on the company softball team. “Ken Griffey’s Grotesquely Swollen Jaw”, and “Steve Sax’s Run In With The Law” work particularly well in my opinion.

But enough about me. Commentariat, America is counting on you.

I make no secret of my admiration for Brian “Sounds Delicious” Wilson and his objectively delightful maniac’s beard. So it concerns me to know that sinister forces are seeking to do him harm. Indeed, if you were about to head over to Network Solutions or — if you are not a gentleman — GoDaddy and lay claim to the hotly sought domain name iwannafightbrianwilson.com, then know that you are sadly tardy in your exploits. It is already claimed, and claimant is not effing around …

So this is a formal invite for Brian Wilson to spar me in a legal boxing match in a boxing gym. Any gym he wants any time he wants. It would be a legal sparring match with full headgear and other safety equipment so there is no risk of him getting “seriously” hurt. There would be a ref, and all amateur boxing rules would apply. So if Brian Wilson is a real “tuff guy” like he tries to promote himself to be, and wants to challenge me to fight in a situation where i would get arrested, then I’m sure he is tuff enough to take on this challenge and get into a ring with me and have a legal boxing match! The ball is in his court now!

And just for those who think Im trying to gain anything from this, If Wilson does man up and we have a boxing match, I will donate half of all proceeds to a local childrens charity and the other half Wilson can do what he wants with. He can donate to his favorite charity if he wants( The Tool Academy).

If you’re wondering how all this started — and I know you are — this eager young man is an A’s fan, and he asked Wilson to autograph a broom following an Oakland sweep of Wilson’s Giants. According to A’s fan’s version of events, Wilson took umbrage at such a request and challenged said A’s fan to a fight on the field. At this point, please keep in mind that, a, his account might not be true and, b, even if true Wilson — no stranger to whimsy, hijinks and frolicsome madcappery — might well have been kidding.

Still, a couple of things … First, if you’re hoping to keel-haul a member of the defending champs, then perhaps you should target Pat Burrell, who, if given an easily recalled safe word, seems likely to be up for some ritualized abuse at the hands of a complete stranger. Second, if fighting ballplayers is suddenly a thing, then I get dibs on Eddie Gaedel.

At the end of the day, though, if professional athletes won’t agree to show up at a darkened boxing gym and brawl with randomly aggrieved fans they neither know nor remember, then I’m not sure why John Wayne wrote the Constitution in the first place.

(Curtsy: ‘Duk)

Although people are used to the front office of the Kansas City Royals being on the cutting edge of, well, pretty much everything, it was still a bit of a surprise to read that they going to take entries from the “social media” to have the chance to interview General Manager Dayton Moore and a few others during the Royals’ Annual FanFest. The winners were announced last week, and it was nice to see that a fair number of respected members of the Royals’ Nerdosphere were invited.

If you ask me, even more exciting than the list people asking the questions is the list of people said to be answering them. Dayton Moore is one of them, of course, as is manager Ned Yost. But there were also a couple of players. One of them is probably the only Royals position player who could be considered close to being something like a “star,” Billy Butler. The other player picked to be part of this interview (conducted, remember, by a group of people generally considered to play close attention to non-superficial stats, who prefer performance over reputation, who don’t just buy the team’s fluff stories) will be…

…and this is not a joke….

Jeff Francouer.

No, I am not kidding.

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