It’s been quite some time since the present author went looking for people looking for love in baseballing places in his groundbreaking first post for NotGraphs.

Now that the new season is upon us, however, we must again turn to the Missed Connections section of Craigslist dot org to find would-be lovers searching for a modicum of affection amongst the filthy masses known as baseball fans. Observe:

Our first entry does not inspire much hope. I can’t speak from experience, but I imagine drunk people with cameras are not too hard to come by at Tigers games. You should have said more then, sir, and you should have said more now. You will never find your one true love with such scant details. However, if you have her picture, a reverse Google image search might help.

First off, and I speak from experience, most girls do not like to be described as “thick.” Though, props to you for crossing the eye line of this lady while performing what had to truly be some manly “messing around going over a poll.” Nothing is a bigger panty-dropper than a dude acting like a dipshit.

Moving on…

Poor Sam. He met the woman of his dreams, and he can’t even remember her name. However, depending on his definition of “cornhole,” she will most likely have a very vivid recollection of him.

This post is totally Milwaukee — directions based on street corners, beer, Brewers, and do-it-yourself car repair. Godspeed, 37-year-old male.

If you think, fair reader, that I will name any of my future fantasy baseball teams anything but The Kennesaw Mountain Cuties, then you are the dumbest fucking person alive.

This has been Looking for Love in Baseballing Places.

My unique projection system, FEAR (Frightening Events All Realized)*, is proud to present in-season updates for some of baseball’s top stars.

*Better acronyms are welcomed in the comments.

The following was hastily crafted and designed poorly and is only relevant for about an hour following its publication. Other than that, though, it has been time and energy well allocated by the author.

1. The Tigers will not win the AL Central. Too many people are predicting them to be good. Expectations never did anyone any favors. People used to expect things from me. I showed them. The Tigers will wilt under the pressure. 50 wins, if they’re lucky. 35, if the strike happens, as I suspect it will (see prediction #8). 30, after the loss of Justin Verlander (see prediction #6). 25, after the loss of oxygen (see prediction #4). Also, after a confused employee in the team’s marketing department messes up his instructions for arranging a commercial shoot, a real tiger will maul and then devour the entire starting infield.

2. At least one major league stadium will burn down during a game, killing thousands of people, with the entire event captured on live television. Does no one else realize what a fire hazard all of those deep fryers are? There are so many french fries and onion rings being casually dipped in hot oil, without taking into account the dangers. Surely we have gone too long in this country without a massive, devastating fire. We’re overdue. And television cameras will capture all of it — the screaming, the burning flesh, the slightly-tragic loss of human life. I know I’ll be watching.

3. The Astros will move back to National League. Change is hard. Change is scary. Sometimes too hard, and you just want to run back into the warm comfort from where you came. Sure, they weren’t doing very well in the NL, but the last place they know is better than the last place they don’t. Led by the blinding speed of Jose Altuve (see prediction #5), they’ll run right back to the NL before April is even over.

4. The baseball season will be cut short due to atmospheric changes leading to a decline in oxygen levels and the extinction of virtually all life on Earth. I realize this is a fairly bold prediction, but no more unlikely than R.A. Dickey repeating as Cy Young winner or Tim Lincecum returning to form. We take for granted how unique the conditions had to be for the planet to support life. We will take it for granted no longer.

5. Jose Altuve’s speed will blind someone. I’m not sure who. This prediction is a little fuzzy. Might be the anti-psychotics I’m taking.

6. Justin Verlander will die of lung cancer. Being around Jim Leyland for so many years has to take its toll. There’s no way there aren’t tumors growing in pretty much everyone on that team. And you know what they say about tumors. Undetected, they continue to grow, and eventually cut off the blood supply to major organs. Verlander, on the mound one minute, convulsing in front of second base the next minute, laying unclaimed in a morgue two hours later, his family kidnapped by bandits on their way to collect the body.

7. Rooting for your favorite team, either from home or live at the stadium, will influence the outcome of exactly zero games, and zero individual player performances. Paul Konerko is going to hit that home run off your fantasy team’s ace starter whether you watch or not, no matter who you pray to, and no matter how much you delude yourself into thinking you can control the outcome. Sorry, folks. Also, if you’re having trouble at home, retreating to your man cave to watch a weekend doubleheader isn’t going to help. Your wife is still sleeping with the plumber. And there’s a huge leak in the pipes, which means that man cave is about to sink into the dirt and be swallowed into the depths of the planet.

8. A baseball strike cuts out 50 games in the middle of the summer. No, the contract isn’t expiring, but do we really think ballplayers are bright enough to realize that? Some precipitating incident — a Ryan Braun suspension, for instance — will lead to the union going on strike, and, just like last time, owners scavenging among the desperate and unemployed to find replacement players. I’m willing to be your backup catcher, Mr. Wilpon. Yes, even in my wildest fantasies, I am merely a backup catcher. Future bench coach. If you’re gonna dream, dream big.

9. Juan Ovieda will change his name back to Leo Nunez, because it’s hard to live someone else’s life without becoming too attached to let go.

10. Finally, thousands of children will get injured playing Little League baseball, because every year thousands of children get injured playing Little League baseball. Too much of a downer to end on? Okay, at least one child will not get hurt playing Little League baseball, and some team is going to win the World Series, whether they deserve it or not. Really, it’s all pretty much random chance anyway, so what’s the point of caring? Happy 2013!

“Didn’t know you could bet on any special player.”
 
“On anybody or anything. We bet on strikes, balls, hits, runs, innings, and full games. If a good team plays a lousy team we will bet on the spread of runs. We cover anything anyone wants to bet on.”
 
    –The Natural (1952)

Fantasy baseball has well earned its reputation for being a healthy and educational activity for boys and girls aged 9-99. Furthermore, an independent medical think tank discovered that exposure to fantasy podcasts while in the womb has advanced language development in newborns by up to 15%, as well as caused a 25% reduction in paying for saves. This is science.

But though it’s a natural thing for a young man or woman to own up to twenty or thirty fantasy teams in a given season, nurturing them like plants or goldfish, one can suffer from a certain level of diminishing returns. That’s why we need new forms of fantasy baseball, new things to bet on, to keep things fresh and instill some faint imitation of purpose into our lives. To that purpose, I propose the Fantasy Baseball Twitter League.

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COLORADO — After a disappointing 2012 season, the Rockies knew they would have to take a hard look at their entire organization, and figure out how they could be sure to improve going forward. What they never expected was that a leaked memo from a leading technology company would inspire them to make a change that they hope will change their fortunes in 2013 and beyond. This past week, it was revealed that Yahoo was requiring all employees working from home to instead come into the office, where they could theoretically be more productive, creative, and showered than they were in their living rooms.

Upon reading this news, Rockies GM Dan O’Dowd had a brainstorm. If it was the right policy for Yahoo, perhaps it was something to think about for the Rockies. All season, there had been a terrible gap in the infield, as Todd Helton, Josh Rutledge, Troy Tulowitzki, and Chris Nelson had all taken advantage of the team’s generous telecommuting policies to work from home instead of coming to the stadium or heading out on the road. This had led to countless ground balls sneaking through to the outfield, an endless number of missed at-bats, and, at least in Helton’s case, bizarre decisions to drive drunk and play the lottery. While the team had sought to make it easier for its players to balance work and life responsibilities by letting them play the field from their home offices, nearly 100 losses on the year made O’Dowd start to wonder whether this was the right plan for the Rockies going forward.

Thus, just this morning, the team has issued an urgent news release:

To become the absolute best place to play, communication and collaboration are important, and we need to be physically fielding side-by-side in order to stop most grounders. That is why it is critical that we are all present at the stadium. Some of the best baseball is played by people who are actually on the field, wearing uniforms, and cheering on our pitchers. Bat speed is often sacrificed when we work from home. We need to be one team, and that starts with physically being together.

Beginning in June, we’re asking all players with work-from-home arrangements to show up to the games ready to play. Yes, we’ll sacrifice April and May, but, hey, we’re trying. If this impacts you, our manager has already been in touch with next steps. For those of you who occasionally have to stay home for the cable guy, the inground pool installer, the divorce lawyer, or the financial planner, please use your best judgment in the spirit of collaboration. Being a Rockie isn’t just about posing for pictures on baseball cards, it is about actually playing baseball. Sometimes.

The team looks forward to winning perhaps as many as three additional games this season thanks to the new policy.

Fenway Park
4 Yawkey Way, Boston, MA 02215‎

1.
Head north on Yawkey Way toward Brookline Ave
go 213 ft
total 213 ft

2.
Take the 1st right onto Brookline Ave
About 51 secs
go 0.2 mi
total 0.2 mi

3.
Turn right onto Beacon St/Commonwealth Avenue
Continue to follow Commonwealth Avenue
About 2 mins
go 0.4 mi
total 0.6 mi

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1. Who will be the starting leftfielder for the Tigers?
2. Were there always three outfielders?
3. Who decided that the Tigers should be named the Tigers?
4. Did Tigers roam the streets of Detroit in the late 19th century?
5. Do Tigers roam the streets of Detroit now?
6. Is that why no one lives in Detroit?
7. Do any of the Tigers players actually live in Detroit?
8. There’s a Broadway musical with a character named Nathan Detroit, right?
9. Is there a reason I know that?
10. Have any Tigers players seen any Broadway musicals?
11. Why is Brennan Boesch’s name so hard to spell?
12. In fact, with Jhonny Peralta, Quintin Berry, Brayan Villarreal, Drew Smyly, and Al Albuwhatever are the Tigers collectively the hardest-to-spell team in the majors?
13. Has anyone measured that?
14. Is Al Alburquerque the only major leaguer whose last name is also a major city?
15. No, even the Tigers have at least one more in Ramon Santiago, so that’s a stupid question, no?
16. And there’s always at least a couple of players named Washington, I guess, right?
17. Plus I’m forgetting about Austin Jackson, yes?
18. Should these even count as questions when some of them are really just statements?

“What beats me,” he said with a trembling voice, “is why did it always have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve it?”
–The Natural (1952)

“But I didn’t see it coming.”
“How could you possibly know she’d hurt you? How could anyone?”
“I didn’t see it coming.”
“You think you should have?”
“Yes. But I didn’t. Why didn’t I?”
–The Natural (1984)

The film version of The Natural is saccharine and sentimental, laden with heavy-handed imagery and emotional manipulation. It eschews the dramatic tension of the text for a pulpy, feel-good ending. It is fantasy fodder for middle-aged men. And despite common belief, it is vastly superior to the book in nearly every way.

Bernard Malamud’s novel was published in 1952, and the era sits heavy in the pages. It’s a work about heroes, but at the same time it doesn’t believe in heroes. It’s a book about baseball that captures none of the game’s spirit.  The Natural is a product of its lame times.

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We took sabermetrics to the streets this week, and tried it out with concerts. But the ‘readily available’ or ‘replacement-level’ concert is woefully hard to define. Beer? Not so much. Go to your local bodega and look at the beer aisle and you have easy candidates for replacement-level beer. And so baseball’s WAR framework can easily be applied to suds.

Beers. Above. Replacement.

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