Archive for Audio and/or Visual

When baseball analysts look at Juan Francisco, they see a player who “doesn’t play defense that well” and “has little understanding of the strike zone — a.k.a. a really important thing.”

When the aesthete looks at Juan Francisco, he (i.e. the aesthete) sees a Dominican David, slaying the Goliath known as Mortality.

Or, at least that’s what he probably sees. It might also just be something on his glasses.

Canadian Handshake to my friend Matt Klaassen who alerted me to this Situation, and David Brown for bringing it to Society’s attention.

Earlier today, the wise and enterprising Bradley presented us with an equally the rookie hazing of an equally wise and enterprising team: the Tampa Bay Rays, who went the route of forcing rookies to dress up as various characters (and apparently, one rookie was dressed as a pregnant green fairy) because, you know, they’re rookies. Those bastards.

The Diamondbacks are no stranger to this anti-rookie ideal, but they chose to go with a much different method of hazing the new meat, something a bit more straightforward in its shame.

Bikinis! How embarrassing!

I’m honestly not sure who gets hazed worse here, the rookies who have to wear the bikinis or those who have to look at them (especially you, the reader!).

Also, the question is raised: how in the world do people who spend so much of their lives in Arizona (or even Reno, if they were down in Triple-A) end up so white in the middle of September? I, for one, am concerned about the levels of Vitamin D around the Arizona clubhouse.

I have never been excited about anything for 15 seconds as much as Hanshin Tiger fans are excited about baseball for 15 minutes …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6x8sLOs_q3s

People with no taste and incorrect opinions say baseball is boring. May they be roused from sleep and then deafened by the partisans of the Hanshin Tigers.

Reader Adam (and also my former roommate Pete) have been so kind as to tip me off to this excellent cartoon featuring Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder spending a night together on the Miller Park grass beneath a beautiful Milwaukee night sky.

The relationship between Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder — two, at least on the surface, very different people — has always been a point of interest for me, the consummate Milwaukee Brewers fan. Prince, the gruff, brash slugger. Braun, the renaissance man bringing the bold flavors of the coast back to the midwest. The two seem hardly compatible, and yet they’ve formed one of the most productive (and just plain awesome) friendships in the major leagues.

And now, we finally get a glimpse inside this friendship:

Jeff Francoeur throws out Michael Taylor at first base from right field.

Your second major league hit was denied by getting thrown out by the right fielder. Yea… that sucks. I bet he remembers that one for a while. At least it wasn’t going to be his first major league hit.

As part of our ongoing effort to aggregate all animal- and baseball-related hilarity in one central internet location, NotGraphs presents the abovely embedded video — a video, specifically, in which Cleveland reliever Chris Perez hunts, but fails to kill, a squirrel.

Owing to the lack of urgency in Perez’s gait, one can safely assume that, so far as Perez’s Oregon Trail-related skills are concerned, he skews much more strongly to the Banker from Boston side of things — as opposed to, say, a Farmer from Illinois.

“But he’s not trying to kill the squirrel, you a-hole,” the reader is possibly saying at this moment. “He’s only trying to capture it.”

To which charge I reply: “For one, there’s no Animal Rights Activist from Anna Maria Island in any extant edition of Oregon Trail. And, for two, if what you’re suggesting is true — i.e. that Oregon Trail is not a comprehensive and totally factual guidebook for masculinity in the 21st century — then where is this Indian guide leading me, and why I have just given him my pants?”

Video courtesy Guyism, via Outside the Box Score.

I tried. I really did. I tried my best not to laugh. I told myself, “No, that’s not funny.” But it’s totally funny. I laughed. And then I watched it again. And again. And another time after that. I mean, it’s only 10 seconds long. And I laughed some more.

I even e-mailed the video to a friend of mine. I wanted to gauge her reaction, you know, as someone without the average Canadian male’s sense of humor. Her response:

Watched it 4 times. hahahahahaha

All I needed was the “hahahahahaha.” Validation. She was judge and jury, and the verdict was in: Funny.

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Science has proved that inanimate objects, despite not having auditory systems or cognitive faculties, can hear, absorb and contemplate human expressions of anger. The gentleman rises for his morning ablutions, crunches his toes on the leg of his paramour’s museum-quality antique dressing table, calls the museum-quality dressing table a “!@#$%&$#@!%&” and promises to “!@#$%&* kill you if that ever !@#$%*& happens the !@#$ again, !@#$-face.”

As you will soon see, however, Pablo Sandoval, the only hitter in the entire Bay Area, has discovered that one may also extract favors, graces and happy accidents from inanimate objects by directing a few kind words toward them …

The secret to better results at the office, in the gym and in the bedroom? Desires whispered to things made of the dead and the never alive.

Jeff Francoeur’s crazy eyes have charmed, mesmerized, and terrified the masses for years. In (belated) recognition of Jeff Francoeur’s memorable 1000th hit, here is their NotGraphs debut:

This picture, courtesy of Minda Haas, was taken at the Royals’ off-season Fan Fest. It is perhaps the most chilling photo of Frenchy’s soul-windows yet. What could possibly be going through his mind?

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You can tell Brandon Belt is a gentleman because he wears his Giants jersey over a collared Van Heusen. You can tell he’s America’s sweetheart because of his loving ways with a baby giraffe …

Brandon Belt: I could just eat him up.

(Giraffe hug: With Leather)