Earlier this offseason, Melvin Emanuel “Bossman Junior” Upton decided to take his talents to Atlanta. Now his brother, Justin Irvin Upton, appears to have done the same. For those of you keeping score, that amounts to two Uptons on the same team. What adventures and/or misadventures will ensue? Stay tuned…
Even with almost a whole week having passed since filling the Balboni-shaped holes inside us all on his Feast Day, there might still remain for the reader what is known in the medical field as an Appetite for Balboni — a condition similar to an Appetite for Destruction, except less about causing property damage and more about mustache care and eating ham directly off the bone.
With a view to mollifying the effects of said condition, the author has found and then embedded the above video — a profile of then-minor-leaguer Steve Balboni from 1980, hosted by a poorly disguised Ernest Borgnine.
In a manner of speaking, one of these kids isn’t like the others. That said, owing to a serious lack of fundamental play, Tom Emanski would be furious with all of them.
Credit to my real-live mentor David Dunbar for reminding me that this was a thing.
While the modern fan is far too accustomed to hearing, say, Scott Stapp groan out canticles to God and country during what was otherwise a lovely game of American Rounders, there was a time when Great Men saw to the business of singing Great Baseball Arias. So it was during the seventh-inning stretch of a Red Stockings-Marlins tilt back in 1776, when Great Men of History Jean-Paul Sartre, Albert Camus, Telly Savalas, Vic Tayback and Nathan Hale took the gullet-pipes not for a rousing walk, but rather for a proud cock’s stroll.
Come with me, won’t you?
Do you realize what just happened? Five men just hit the lights in what was previously a darkened city on a hill.
Those who know know this: Every one of baseball’s nine commissioners was elevated to the office not because of his executive acumen or fealty to ownership. Rather, every one of baseball’s nine commissioners was elevated to the office because of his libidinous pizzazz. To say that each of baseball’s commissioners is sexy is to bury them in a shallow grave of understatement. They are not sexy; they are coitus made man …
Now go forth and begrime all that you survey.
You cannot make it into yonder Hall of Fame without some silky shoulder movements. Let Wade Dancing Boggs take your hand, show you the way.
All sorts of credit.
Before you see this, the newest animation from the Next Media team that gave us such classics as Raging Panda Pablo Sandoval and Derek Jeter Mauled by Tiger, a word of warning: Sex. As in, this video is full of sexy time. You’ll see inappropriate outfits, inappropriate touching of equipment, and just a strange story of courtship and copulation involving Billy Beane, Hiroyuki Nakajima, and Brad Pitt.
Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.
The following is a transcript of an Internet-based chat between the author and his wife, prompted by the author learning something new in the latest issue of OUT magazine:
If anyone can help the author create a Match.com profile, it would be greatly appreciated.
Kenesaw Mountain Liondis
He also has a disembodied hand, what for a’hootin’ at gamblers and riff raff.
