Archive for Actual Thing

As noted in this space, Banknotes Harper is about business, except on those occasions when he is not about business, and even at those times he is about business.

It follows, then, that Banknotes Harper’s unrelenting business travel schedule requires him to spend every spare moment in the high-level business skies and then arguing forcefully in Tokyo boardrooms, arbitraging on Abu Dhabi trading floors, and — while wearing an Oleg Cassini hardhat — pointing rolled-up architectural documents to indicate various cost-saving-but-against-code structural changes he’d like to see inside a Shanghai factory (“Take that load-bearing beam and have one of your boys make me a cigar-store Indian out of it,” for instance).

As Banknotes Harper will be quick to tell you, there’s no better way to let business know you mean business than by pounding a conference table. “The time for talking has passed,” such a gesture communicates. “Let us now transfer redeemable currencies and deeds of ownership.”

“While I’m interested in having Maroon 5 play the company retreat in Palm Beach, I’m not interested in the rates you just quoted me,” is something else it says.

Dropping a fleshy money hammer on the conference table has been known to send ripples through all market indices in all parts of the world that matter, especially when Banknotes Harper does it.

The problem for the high-ranking global executive is that when he — not she — is, say, attending a groundbreaking ceremony in Seoul or chit-chatting at a $128.6-million-per-plate super-pac fundraiser in international waters, there’s often no pounding-grade conference table to be found. The solution? The Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding!

Yes, pictured above at its actual size is the Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding. “Need to cow a recalcitrant regulator while pausing momentarily on the heli-pad?” Endorses Banknotes Harper himself. “This Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding, which folds out to accommodate no fewer than one Business Soup-Bone, will seal the deal. Folded up, it fits in a tailored suit pocket or cigarette case. Fuckers.”

Available through SkyMall.

A terrific read to start continue your week: Michael J. Mooney’s profile of Brandon McCarthy over at Buzzfeed.

[T]he Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher, who will begin his eighth season with his fourth different organization when he takes the ball Opening Day, comes across as genuine and unaffected, whether it’s to his 100,000+ Twitter followers or in his living room….

“I became addicted to Fangraphs,” he says, referring to a popular stat-head website. “If I wanted to stop sucking, I knew I needed to change something.” He looked at which pitches lead to more runs. At the end of his stretch with the Rangers, he made the conscious decision to remake himself as a pitcher….

“After the injury, trying to be funny was one of the things that helped me clarify my thoughts,” he says, still sitting on the same couch where he came up with most of his ideas. “I always liked the idea of writing, but actually writing is harder than hell. Having an idea is one thing, but creating characters and a universe and then giving them words and all that is completely another idea all together.”

The entire piece is a must-read.

Last weekend, a bunch of FanGraphs/RotoGraphs/NotGraphs writers descended on Arizona for our annual Spring Training Thing. The traditional Big Pizza Bash at Cibo happened on Saturday night, and Rob Neyer (maybe you’ve heard of him) was among the special guests. At one point during the evening, a stack of baseball cards was making the rounds. When it got to my table, the word was “Neyer brought these, he says take some.” Sweet. The cards were very new, and I had heard of many of the players. I took three, and later that night at the hotel I read the “Scouting Reports” that Bowman had on the back.

Needless to say, they were amazing. They used the right words and everything. I am not sure why anyone reads Baseball America when insight like this is on the back of cards. So I thought I should share some of the stuff I learned. I think it is an appropriate thing to do, given that Rob himself is no stranger to the “here’s what I learned from some baseball cards” technique. Not sure he has ever taken it to the level of scouting, though. Look out Hulet, Sussman, and Newman!

At first, I was just going to take three random cards. Then I noticed there were multiple players named “Austin.” That is a great contemporary baseball first name, isn’t it? It’s the “Dakota” of prospect names. So I had to take two Austins.

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So, some dude was spotted in Dunedin, Florida wearing an Alex Anthopoulos jersey. I’m assuming it wasn’t Mr. Anthopoulos himself, because, well, that would be weird.

I’m curious: is this happening elsewhere? Any Duquette jerseys in Baltimore? Dipoto jerseys in Anaheim? What about Wren jerseys, in Atlanta? Anybody rocking a Mozeliak jersey in St. Louis? What about a shirsey? Any Alderson jerseys in Queens?

I fear this is a very slippery slope. The cult of the general manager, and all that.

H/T: My man Jerry, @NorthYorkJays.

NotGraphs reader Zac Hinz wins a Most Valuable Correspondent award for sharing this amazing spreadsheet he created (Google Docs) compiling the upcoming season’s promotional giveaways for all 30 teams.

His thoughts, all well worth sharing (and slightly edited):

* Every team does the magnetic schedule, but Toronto notes that they give you it on exit. Bravo, Toronto, Bravo! I’ve gotten the magnetic schedule before (on entering), and it’s like, what am I supposed to do with this for 3 hours? Also those adorable Canadians list their September 29th giveaway as a toque.

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The image above, found in a pub in Markham, north of Toronto, comes to us from one of our many intrepid correspondents in the field. Look at those uniforms. Let no one ever say Lyle Overbay didn’t leave his mark on Canada’s finest metropolis. We remember 2006. It inspires us.

NotGraphs’ Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has uncovered that in 2009, The Lyle Overbays led Markham’s 4-Pitch Hardball League with a .566 on-base percentage, and .577 batting average. They finished first in hits, runs, home runs, and RBI, and second in doubles, all while striking out only 12 times in 1,203 plate appearances. The Overbays’ 2009 championship was the first of three in a row, and came following their stunning defeat at the hands of Deez Nuts in the 2008 final, after winning their first title in 2007. All The Lyle Overbays ever wanted was to make Lyle Overbay proud.

And they did. The Investigative Reporting Investigation Team reached Mr. Overbay for comment, via text message, about the dynastic success of the team named in his honor. Mr. Overbay, never a man of many words, responded:

“Flags fly forever.”

Indeed, Mr. Overbay. Indeed.

H/T: My cubicle mate, and the hardest-working man in Canadian public broadcasting, @DanielKitts.

This is the Mets postgame cap.

This is the Mets drinks after dinner hat.

This is the Mets Cinco de Mayo hat.

This is the Mets serious drinking hat.

This is the Mets jimmy hat.

How does the present author love British expatriate Craig Robinson? If he’s being honest, probably less intensely than Elizabeth Barrett Browning loved whomever is the object of her 43rd sonnet. But still quite a bit, it’s fair to say.

The latest reason for any reasonable person to love Craig Robinson is owing to what’s contained in the following pair of images — i.e. useless and brilliant Lego representations of former major-leaguers Dennis Eckersley and Fernando Valenzuela.

To wit:

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At the Giants Media day, I ran into Barry Zito as he was wrapping up an interview. He had C.S. Lewis’ “The Problem of Pain” sitting on his bar table.

Eno Sarris: I’m really interested in what people read on the road. That’s… not Narnia! [laughing]

Barry Zito: No. [Not laughing, but maybe smiling] No it’s not. This is my third one, but I haven’t done Narnia yet.

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In an effort to bone up on ballparks a little bit for an upcoming radio episode, I ventured to my local public library to peruse the stacks. I came across a promising work aptly titled Ballparks of North America by Michael Benson.

With a little time on my hands, I sat down and started to thumb through this. I skimmed through a little until I came upon the first entry listed under Atlanta, Georgia.

Some thoughts:

1. All ballparks should be built near or on cemeteries.
2. I consider any team named [City Name] Nine to be the best team ever.
3. I think the use of the phrase “emerged victorious” is a bit of an understatement, considering the 98-run differential.
4. Related: 156 total runs.
5. I love MLB.tv and GIFs and wOBA and the Winter Meetings, and many other things involved with the current game of baseball. But, sometimes, it’s pretty cool to think about how the same game was played and viewed in an unnamed park, next to a cemetery, for four and a half hours and 156 runs, a year after the God-damned Civil War ended. The addition of Bo Jackson is the only thing that could have made this story better.