Archive for Actual Thing

So this is an actual thing …

Hey, I thought it was a cool moment. Both guys handled themselves exceptionally well, and Galarraga in particular showed that a sense of equanimity is possible even in the throes of a screw-job, which is something of which I am wholly incapable. With that said, is this all it takes to sustain a narrative these days? I get that there are moments in time that, as book editors are wont to pretend, CHANGED EVERYTHING, but this happened roughly eight months ago. Have we really had time for sober reflection on anything beyond the epidermal layer of consequences? That is, how do we know that Joyce’s blown call CHANGED EVERYTHING?

And wouldn’t this make a better, I dunno, “Vanity Fair” article or something? How are you going to wring 250 pages out of this story? Sure, we’ll get the back-story on Galarraga and a portrait of the umpire as a young man, but what then? Pictures? Blank pages for note-taking? Clip-out flashcards so you can memorize details of their lives? Mazes? A choose-your-own-adventure chapter or three? A carved out space in which you can hide weed? If nothing else, they should change the title from Nobody’s Perfect: Two Men, One Call, and a Game for Baseball History to I Kicked the Sh*t Out of It: Two Men, One Call, and a Game for Baseball History. I’m surprised I even need to say this.

On the celluloid front, remember the story of the two Indian pitchers who signed with the Pirates after winning a reality show? The least shocking news ever is that their story is going to be a movie. Also unsurprising: The shlock merchants at Disney will be at the switch.

Normally, I don’t trust any Disney outputs that don’t come to me from the loving arms of Pixar. Partly, this is because I’ve never forgiven them for the sadistic lacerations I suffered from watching Old Yeller. (Seriously, you’ve never heard of rabies vaccinations, you rubes?) Mostly, though, it’s because you and I both know that Disney will one day kill us all. Combine Disney’s dubious sense of aesthetics with the central ingredients of bad cinema already present in this story, and the potential for groan-inducement is both boundless and without bound.

The one consolation is that Tom McCarthy will be writing the script, and McCarthy knows a little something about making good movies. Let’s just hope that the suits let McCarthy use the light, aware touch he showed in The Visitor, so we don’t end up with something like the provably awful “Outsourced” set on a baseball diamond.

Also: Actual. Baseball. Now. Please.

Are you a gentleman? Because I’m a gentleman. A serial door holder. You could be 15 paces away, I’ll wait. There’s more: I’m known to carry groceries for old men and women in my neighborhood. Alright, I’m not really known for that, but if a tribal elder asked me to carry his or her grocery bags, I certainly would.

I do say “thank you” a lot. Probably too much. When I hand over loonies and/or a toonie for coffee at the drive-through every morning, I say “thanks.” It’s out of my control, really; I’m Canadian. Bottom line: I live with chivalry.

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I have definitely attended SABR meetings before — and even made the acquaintance of a certain National Baseball Editor at one such event — but, owing to a lethal cocktail of poverty and sloth, have never found myself making the commitment to join this most peculiar of fraternities until just recently.

While I’ll share my own experiences with the Society momentarily, here are the official benefits of membership per the SABR website:

• SABR publications, including Baseball Research Journal, The National Pastime, and the SABR Bulletin
• An online membership directory to help you find other members with your interests
• Eligibility to participate in SABR research committees
• SABR lending library
• Eligibility to participate in SABR-L, called by some the “most intelligent general baseball list on the web
• Access SABR Research Exchange
• Access to SABR’s online encyclopedia
• Member discount on annual convention registration
• Regional chapter meetings
• The fun of being part of an international community of baseball fans of all types

As I’m sure is not particularly shocking, some of these things will be more relevant/interesting to one’s experience of the game than others.

What I can say is that, in my week or so of membership, I’ve already used the directory to good effect, having contacted — and been replied to almost immediately — by the co-chairs of the Scouts committee, James Sandoval (who also works as a scout for the Twins) and Rod Nelson. Those connections have already proved quite valuable.

As Justin Bopp of Beyond the Boxscore noted quite recently, the SABR experience is certainly not one saturated in advanced statistics — quite to the contrary, in fact, as most of the presentations I’ve observed have concerned the history of the game more than anything else.

One issue with membership, certainly, is the cost. It’s $65.00 annually for American adults and $45.00 for seniors and people under 30 (a benefit of which I’m no longer qualified to take advantage), which might be expensive for those with only a casual interest in the sport. Whether as a result of the cost or not, meetings are mostly populated by a slightly older crowd — say, 45 and above. I’ll add immediately, however, that I was always treated warmly, and perhaps even benefited from my relative youth.

Who doesn’t love a good death threat? While this bit of sociopathy isn’t quite as beautiful as the recent lawsuit filed against P-Diddy, it’s still pretty crackin’ good.

Obviously, the best part is when threatener assures the threatened that the address on the envelope is indeed fake — just in case Mr. Smoky Joe Wood was pondering putting the fuzz on the scent or seizing the initiative and showing up for pistols at dawn.

Curiously, Mr. Wood wound up curiously dying at the curious age of 95. Suffice it to say, the Investigative Reporting Investigation Team is on it like something that adheres quite strongly to something else.

(Curtsy: Deadspin)

Given that the Dodgers-Giants blood feud already has a body count, what follows might strike some as an example of imprudent brinksmanship:

As most of you die hard fans know, The World Champion San Francisco Giants open up Major League Baseball play at Chavez Ravine in Los Angeles. In this hostile environment The World Champion San Francisco Giants will need the support of The World Champion San Francisco Giant’s Faithful. The plan is to fly a banner 3 miles above Chavez Ravine that says, “Giants 2010 Champs: BEAT LA”. This banner will fly in Los Angeles for the Thursday, Saturday and Sunday games for an hour and 20 minutes. It is a great way to pay tribute to The World Champion San Francisco Giants while giving the other organization a taste of what it is like to be World Series Champions: something they haven’t tasted since 1988. So, we ask the faithful of The World Series San Francisco Giants to pledge whatever you can to make this idea, this dream, a reality.

As righteous causes go, it’s hard to argue that this one ranks up there with St. Jude, but if nothing else one must admire the grassroots zeal. My only complaint is that “Beat L.A.” is a bit tepid and uninspired. I mean, if you’re going to risk inciting a riot at least ramp up the airborne taunt with something like, “Ha ha, Dodgers, you suck!” or “Vin Scully doesn’t recycle!” or “Sandy Koufax was decidedly a belly-itcher!” or “You are all foul-smelling, withered gargoyles, the lot of you!” or “Barry Bonds was better than Franklin Stubbs!” or “One could argue –and this flying machine does — that the 1981 championship wasn’t entirely legitimate!” or the like.

Mostly, I’m left wondering what you, upstanding readers, would put on the flying banner if you were taunting your rivals from the heavens and had set up a 501c3 to that end. Regale us!

One of the perks of attending such a fine educational institution as the University of Wisconsin-Madison are the fantastic lectures open to the public, such as Thursday’s first annual entry in the Allan H. Selig Distinguished Lecture Series. The series, funded by Commissioner Selig – an American History major at UW – looks to explore the history of sports and specifically the history of sports with respect to society. Bud Selig was present at the lecture as well – about four rows in front of me.

The lecturer on Thursday was University of Illinois professor Adrian Burgos (pictured), a SABR member who authored the 2007 book Playing America’s Game as well as the 2011 book (coming in April) titled Cuban Star, about Negro League owner Alex Pompez, the subject of Thursday’s lecture.

Despite the limited fanfare around the name Alex Pompez, the lecture shed light on him as a very influential figure in the game throughout the middle of the past century. Pompez was the son of a Latino father and an African-American mother, and his inclusion in the societies of both races shows in his involvement in the game of baseball. Not only did Pompez own the Cuban Stars of the Negro Leagues, but he also worked as an international scout, signing the first players to play professionally out of Panama, the Dominican Republic, and Puerto Rico.

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I make no secret of my admiration for Brian “Sounds Delicious” Wilson and his objectively delightful maniac’s beard. So it concerns me to know that sinister forces are seeking to do him harm. Indeed, if you were about to head over to Network Solutions or — if you are not a gentleman — GoDaddy and lay claim to the hotly sought domain name iwannafightbrianwilson.com, then know that you are sadly tardy in your exploits. It is already claimed, and claimant is not effing around …

So this is a formal invite for Brian Wilson to spar me in a legal boxing match in a boxing gym. Any gym he wants any time he wants. It would be a legal sparring match with full headgear and other safety equipment so there is no risk of him getting “seriously” hurt. There would be a ref, and all amateur boxing rules would apply. So if Brian Wilson is a real “tuff guy” like he tries to promote himself to be, and wants to challenge me to fight in a situation where i would get arrested, then I’m sure he is tuff enough to take on this challenge and get into a ring with me and have a legal boxing match! The ball is in his court now!

And just for those who think Im trying to gain anything from this, If Wilson does man up and we have a boxing match, I will donate half of all proceeds to a local childrens charity and the other half Wilson can do what he wants with. He can donate to his favorite charity if he wants( The Tool Academy).

If you’re wondering how all this started — and I know you are — this eager young man is an A’s fan, and he asked Wilson to autograph a broom following an Oakland sweep of Wilson’s Giants. According to A’s fan’s version of events, Wilson took umbrage at such a request and challenged said A’s fan to a fight on the field. At this point, please keep in mind that, a, his account might not be true and, b, even if true Wilson — no stranger to whimsy, hijinks and frolicsome madcappery — might well have been kidding.

Still, a couple of things … First, if you’re hoping to keel-haul a member of the defending champs, then perhaps you should target Pat Burrell, who, if given an easily recalled safe word, seems likely to be up for some ritualized abuse at the hands of a complete stranger. Second, if fighting ballplayers is suddenly a thing, then I get dibs on Eddie Gaedel.

At the end of the day, though, if professional athletes won’t agree to show up at a darkened boxing gym and brawl with randomly aggrieved fans they neither know nor remember, then I’m not sure why John Wayne wrote the Constitution in the first place.

(Curtsy: ‘Duk)

It’s without a trace of chagrin that I reproduce in these pages — despite it having already been produced in everybody else’s pages — Sam Miller’s word cloud experiment from his Angels Blog at the OC Register.

If you’re not familiar with it already, Miller put together word clouds from comment threads at SB Nation blogs Halos Heaven and Bluebird Banter.

Hilarity is the thing that ensued.

The fearless leader of Team NotGraphs – our own Carson Cistulli – and I both highly enjoy a game of Northwoods League baseball at the Duck Pond at Warner Park, home of the Madison Mallards. Luckily for denizens of Madison and the surrounding areas, it sounds like the experience is going to get even better, according to what I heard at the University of Wisconsin Dugout Club Winter Baseball Banquet.

Madison Mallards GM Vern Stenman made multiple announcements regarding the field. Most exciting to me is the fact that the Mallards will be replacing all backless bleacher seats with actual seats from Baltimore’s Camden Yards. Instead of bleachers, that means that fans will be sitting in something like these:

The field will also be adding more seats closer the plate.

The second update may not directly affect the fans, but it should increase the quality of the games. The field at the duck pond has been re-done with Miller Park sod. Having played at Warner Park before, I already thought the field to be of a high quality, but my frame of reference (high school fields and another Northwoods League field near my hometown) isn’t great. Still, taking a good field and improving the grass should only bring good things.

I highly recommend Mallards games to anybody who lives in or around the Madison area. The park experience is great and the talent level of the kids playing is quite good – multiple MLB draft picks play on every team in the league. Try and make your way out for a couple of games this summer if you’re around.

There’s a not insubstantial bloc of folks who long for the days when men wouldn’t leave the house without a necktie and stylish fedora. What follows might cause that not insubstantial bloc of folks to ponder taking a hostage …

As you can see, the Forever Lazy makes your standard-issue, ketchup-stained sweatpants look like the finest your finest haberdasher has to offer. It’s basically a hoodie bodysuit, and — since advertisers have always been and will always be yoked to the truth — it’s clearly great for crapping! It’s also clearly great for watching sports, whether in person or in a darkened living room just after receiving divorce papers!

So if you’ve ever been at the ballpark and thought, “Instead of this sensible knit polo, I wish I were wearing something that made me look like a guy named ‘Cookie’ who pans for gold and or cooks gruel for a wagon train,” then you’ll want one of these posthaste. If this thing catches on — and, honestly, how could it not? — then the Forever Lazy, much like its Snuggie progenitor, will soon be festooned with your favorite team’s logo. At that point, we all win.

History teaches us that Patrick Henry, armed with nothing but a tuning fork and a sense of mission, killed Stalin in Las Vegas. I like to think that Mr. Henry did so in the hopes that one day we as a people would soar beyond the dimensions of the possible and invent something like the Forever Lazy (although archival documents suggest he wanted it to be called “The Smock of Dignity”).

Know this, patriot: Your dreams have been realized.