Casting FanGraphs: The Movie

Not the only thing Team FanGraphs has in common with the Muppets.

It goes without saying that the lifeblood of any capitalist enterprise is the ability of said enterprise’s brain trust to market their product effectively and creatively. This is known in some circles as “finding synergy” and in others as “relentless douchebaggery.” Whatever you call it, FanGraphs is all in!

It’s with this in mind that Dark Overlord David Appelman has revealed to me just this morning a cross-promotional project that’s sure to raise the profile of the FanGraphs brand.

“What’s the project?” you’re obviously asking, breath hella bated.

The answer: FanGraphs: The Movie.

Now, I have no news to report about the script or anything yet — really, I’m just relating this to you, the reader, as I’m hearing it from Appelman. What I do know, however, is that FanGraphs: The Movie is a dramatization of the recently completed Arizona Trip, during which trip Team FanGraphs raised all manner of ruckuses.

A second thing I can tell you is that the studio who’ll be making the film has passed along the casting call that they’re circulating among this country’s various talent agencies as we speak.

Below is the aforementioned casting call, with descriptions of the film’s principal characters.

Dave Allen — Actual human probably not necessary. Just put some mutton chops on a MacBook Air.

Cleveland Indians GM, Chris Antonetti — Find a guy whose mob name is something like Chrissy Collared Shirts. Seriously, this guy wears collared shirts.

David Appelman — The shadowiest of shadowy spectres. Basically, a composite of all the grim reapers from all extant films — with the addition of sweet databasing skills, of course.

Mike Axisa — Find a guy whose mob name is something like Mikey Grapenuts. Seriously, this guy’s like a big grapenut.

Seattle Mariners Assistant GM, Tony Blengino — Find a guy whose mob name is something like Tony Numbers. Why? Blengino knows all the numbers!

Dave Cameron — Picture Sloth from Goonies. Now picture Sloth’s firstborn. Boom, Dave Cameron.

Matthew Carruth — Go out and find the first person you can who still lets books from the library. (Warning: there’s maybe a 75% chance that said person actually is Matthew Carruth.)

Chicago White Sox Assistant GM Rick Hahn — A salt-and-pepper Louis CK.

Jonah Keri — Think “young Tim Robbins” — not because of any resemblance they share (although that exists), but because Keri very famously has a passionate romance for Susan Sarandon.

Matt Klaassen — Remember in The Wizard of Oz when the Scarecrow gets a brain and then recites the Pythagorean theorem? Find someone who’s like that all the time.

Albert Lyu — America’s Kid Brother™ (Asian Edition).

Jackie Moore — America’s Kid Brother™ (Caucasian Edition).

Patrick Newman — Imagine a construction site. Now imagine an accident at said construction site. A giant I-beam falls and traps a worker underneath. Everyone’s trying to free the trapped worker, to no avail. The situation looks grave. But then the crowd begins to part. A stranger comes to the fore. With hardly any effort, he lifts the I-beam and sets it aside. The group applauds his efforts! Who’s our hero? I don’t know. But Patrick Newman — who just happens to’ve been walking by — thinks he might have a future in Japanese baseball.

Joe Pawlikowski — A young John Travolta, except dressed in a zupan — i.e. the long jacket-type thing traditionally worn by Polish nobles. Spitting image, that, of Joe Pawl. Spitting.

Site Consultant, Robert Sanchez — “All the Sanchez that’s fit to print”: Whoever can say that with a straight face should play Robert Sanchez.

Eno Sarris — Not just the sort of person who’d forget his head if it weren’t screwed on, but the sort of person who actually did forget his head — and then stole famous author Malcolm Gladwell’s.

Niv Shah — In terms of appearance, probably what Dr. Klaw from Mr. Gadget would’ve looked like, if we’d ever seen his face. In terms of personality, probably also a lot like Klaw.

Navin Vaswani — A 4:5 scale model of Toronto slugger Jose Bautista, with the remaining 1/5 accounted for by love of country.

Jesse Wolfersberger — Find an actual wolf, if possible.

Jeff Zimmerman — If possible, track down former MLB relief pitcher Jeff Zimmerman — except only if that guy still has a right arm. Otherwise, that’d be awkward.