Brooks Conrad: Japan has Changed You

I’m not supposed to post on Saturdays. And I get Groundhog’s Day off too, as NotGraphs adheres to all bank holidays, Christian holidays, Muslim and Jewish Holidays, Hindu Holidays, the good Canadian Holidays, and mammal-based holidays, such as the present one.

But news, unlike us, does not take a vacation and sip the nectar of goodwill from a shuttered post office.

Hark:

[Brooks] Conrad wore batting gloves during batting practice today because he developed blisters on his hands on Friday.

That selfsame Brooks Conrad rubbed his calloused hambones in the clay of many batter’s boxi across these well-lit United States (and one boxi in Canada); he squeezed tight his 52-ounce bat using only God’s creation, his muscly, determined fingers; commentators swooned as he fisted singles and doubles across North America’s green fields — but something was lost in translation, some majesty of a dusty plant foot and rotating hips, some charm in a jaw jutting with chaw; some magic must have altered its ingredients; the flavor isn’t the same; the spices have the same names but it doesn’t taste like home runs; a blister appears and suddenly it feels like I am wearing another man’s wardrobe.