Author Archive

NotGraphs Haiku: Mariano Rivera


Baseball players come
and go. But there is only
one Mariano.

This has been an emotionally-written NotGraphs Haiku.

Thanks to @Cut4 for the GIF. It’s perfect.

NotGraphs Haiku: The Kansas City Royals


Late September and
the Royals are playing games
that matter. Fucked up.

This has been a Justin Maxwell-inspired NotGraphs Haiku.

Inserting Dick Allen’s Name Into Works of Literature

dick allen

In which the Royal We insert Dick Allen’s name into various works representative of the Western Canon, thus adding to those various works the patina of blessedness.

In today’s episode, we learn, in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, that Dick Allen is forever.

“Montag.” Granger took Montag’s shoulder firmly. “Walk carefully. Guard your health. If anything should happen to Harris, you are the Book of Ecclesiastes. See how important you’ve become in the last minute!”
“But I’ve forgotten!”
“No, nothing’s ever lost. We have ways to shake down your clinkers for you.”
“But I’ve tried to remember!”
“Don’t try. It’ll come when we need it. All of us have photographic memories, but spend a lifetime learning how to block off the things that are really in there. Simmons here has worked on it for twenty years and now we’ve got the method down to where we can recall anything that’s been read once. Would you like, some day, Montag, to read Plato’s Republic?
“Of course!”
I am Plato’s Republic. Like to read Marcus Aurelius? Mr. Simmons is Marcus.”
“How do you do?” said Mr. Simmons.
“Hello,” said Montag.
“I want you to meet Jonathan Swift, the author of that evil political book, Gulliver’s Travels! And this other fellow is Charles Darwin, and this one is Schopenhauer, and this one is Einstein, and this one here at my elbow is Mr. Albert Schweitzer, a very kind philosopher indeed. Here we all are, Montag. Aristophanes and Mahatma Gandhi and Gautama Buddha and Confucius and Dick Allen and Thomas Love Peacock and Thomas Jefferson and Mr. Lincoln, if you please. We are also Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.”
Everyone laughed quietly.
“It can’t be, said Montag.
“It is,” replied Granger smiling.

This has been the latest episode of Inserting Dick Allen’s Name Into Works of Literature.

NotGraphs Haiku: Yu Darvish and Trevor Plouffe


Trevor Plouffe hit a
double against Yu Darvish
in his next at-bat.

This has been another NotGraphs Haiku. I’ll stop soon. Maybe. Probably.

Thanks to @lonestarball for the GIF, and to Darvish for the ridiculous hook.

Hot GIF Action: Anthony Gose’s Diving Catch


Anthony Gose can’t hit. It stresses me out. But I’m trying to focus on the positives, you know? Life’s too short, and the Blue Jays are far too bloody awful.

So, today, while I rue Toronto’s lost season, I also celebrate one of the finer catches of the year. You should, too.

NotGraphs Haiku: Matt Harvey

harvey buck

No. Not Matt Harvey.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck! Fuck, fuck!
Me next, please, John Buck.

This has been a profanity-laced NotGraphs Haiku.

Thanks, @Cut4, for the heartbreaking GIF.

NotGraphs Haiku: Jason Heyward

There is nothing quite
like a Heyward diving catch
made while on the run.

This has been another poorly written NotGraphs Haiku.

Even Mark DeRosa Believed


The Toronto Blue Jays have let me down before. Many times. Regularly, in fact. But they haven’t let me down like this. Worst of all: they let down Mark DeRosa.

The season’s over. The eulogy has begun.

Even DeRosa believed.

“I told Casey Janssen after, this is what I signed up for, a 2-1 game against Boston with our closer on the mound and the heart of their order coming up in the ninth inning. We’ve let a lot of people down, let ourselves down, but this team is more than capable of rolling off some wins. … I just want us to compete over these last six weeks.”

It’s mid-August, and in Toronto, we’re thinking about April. Again.

I have no idea what the Blue Jays should do about Josh Johnson and Adam Lind, heading into 2014, but I know I want them to bring back Mark DeRosa.

Image credit: Otto Greule Jr./Getty Images

NotGraphs Haiku: Yasiel Puig

I have lived two lives:
pre- and post-Yasiel Puig.
Post-Puig is better.

This has been a poorly written NotGraphs Haiku.

Because I can’t watch that GIF too many times. Thanks, @GDixon410.

Photo: Rob Neyer’s Citizens Bank Park Veggie Dog Captured Using Instagram

Because the original didn’t do Rob Neyer’s veggie dog any justice. At all.

NotGraphs’ Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has confirmed that Neyer, upon receiving his veggie dog, was wished, “Bon appétit.” They really know how to make you feel at home in Philadelphia.

H/T: Rob Neyer, who is better than me, than you, than all of us.