In which, as before, the author scours the online auctions for baseball-themed collectibles that should never, ever, under any circumstances be allowed into your home.
10″ atlanta braves mlb baseball #10 chipper jones doll star sacks 3rd baseman
Brian Roberts Baltimore Orioles ERROR Dark Pigmentation Baseball Bobblehead Doll
As some of you may have noted, the above is clearly a Graph, and therefore an express violation of this weblog’s mission statement. I humbly entreat all parties for forgiveness, and pledge to rededicate myself to the sharing of useless and inappropriate frivolities, starting next week.
But meanwhile, click to embiggen.
Here is a thing that I made. I picked the Red Sox at random. I thought some of you might enjoy it, and maybe I will do it for other teams too.
Here at Notgraphs Headquarters — at intimate moments before our shared mirror — we like to regard ourselves as Tricksters: rocking the boat, keeping society on its toes, therapeutically inverting the natural order of things. Hence our dedication to exposing the greatnesses of the weak and the weaknesses of the mighty. Given that dedication, I find it incomprehensible that we have not yet paid proper tribute to one such phenomenon: namely, the single most flagrant weakness of the single mightiest baseball player of all time.
This weakness is often described euphemistically, as in, “Babe Ruth was an aggressive, if not particularly efficient, base stealer,” or, “Ruth had deceptive speed on the basepaths, as evidenced by the 123 steals he racked up during his career.” No. Babe Ruth was the worst base stealer of all time. I want this point to be absolutely clear. Because there seems to be some ambivalence about ascribing such a glaring flaw to such a heroic figure, I will proceed to support my assertion with Evidence.
Milwaukee’s Corey Hart, recuperating from a January knee surgery, has yet to play a game this year. With fewer opportunities to appreciate Hart’s craggy visage, renewed potential exists for confusion with other individuals of the same name. Since a search of the Internet failed to produce a satisfactory guide, I have produced one myself.
| Corey Hart | Corey Hart | “Cory Heart” | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Full Name | Johnny Corey Hart | Corey Mitchell Hart | Courtney Simpson |
| Occupation | Baseball player | Musician | Actor |
| Appearance |  |
 |
 |
| Height & Weight | 6’6″/234 | 5’10″/? | 5’2″/99 |
| Birthdate | March 24, 1982 | May 31, 1962 | May 9, 1985 |
| Birthplace | Bowling Green, Kentucky | Montreal, Quebec | Mesa, Arizona |
| Position | Right field, first base | Vocals, keyboards, piano, guitar, drums | Various |
| Teams | Brewers | Aquarius, Capitol | Max Hardcore, Wicked Pictures |
| Debuted | 2004 | 1983 | 2005 |
| Retired | – | “Semi-retired” | 2006 |
| Appearances | 3802 | 9 (albums) | 199 |
| Hits | 950 | “Sunglasses at Night,” “Never Surrender” | Trophy Whores, Legal & Hot, Double Gulp |
| Awards & Nominations | 2x All-Star; 25th in MVP voting, National League, 2010 | 2x Juno winner; nominated for Grammy, Best New Artist, 1984 | Nominated for AVN Award, Best All-Girl Sex Scene, 2006 |
| Religion | Converted to Christianity in 2011 | “Is the opiate of masses” (“Political Cry”) | Raised a devout Mormon |
| Eyewear | Began wearing prescription goggles in 2010 | Noted for nocturnal use of tinted lenses | Donned temporarily for Bookworm B*tches |
| Strengths | Home run power; deceptive speed | Passionate vocals; “cool, athletic” looks | Flexibility, congeniality |
| Weaknesses | Penchant for strikeouts; below-average defense | Lack of lyrical depth | Aversion to “watersports” |
| Controversy | Allowed infant daughter to be sprayed with beer | Publicly supported gay rights with single “Truth Will Set U Free” | Appeared on film wearing Arizona State cheerleader uniform; university threatened legal action |
| Trivia | Walkup song is ‘Until the Whole World Hears’ by Casting Crowns | Briefly considered for the role of Marty McFly in Back to the Future | Left home after a stack of pornographic pictures of her was left on her parents’ doorstep |
Directly following Angel Pagan’s dramatic walk-off inside-the-park home run on Saturday, Pagan and teammates Marco Scutaro and Andres Torres debuted their new musical act. The group, known as “Pagan Angel” in tribute to a Bradley Woodrum short story, plays what drummer Scutaro describes as “neo-glam-metalcore fusion.”
Atlanta closer Craig Kimbrel, naturally blessed with both boyishly rosy cheeks and lethal competitive instincts, has been called (and more than once) the Baby-faced Assassin. With this epithet coming into wide usage, it is perhaps only a matter of time before an attempt is made — either by Mr. Kimbrel himself, or by arbiters of culture like Baseball-Reference.com — to give it some sort of official sanction. We here at Nickname Watch take a conservative stance on such matters, and have consistently advised that a very high burden of proof be set for those wishing to claim a nickname. In the case at hand, we consider the burden of proof to be especially high, since this nickname has in fact already been used in Major League Baseball: (nick)namely, by longtime Reds reliever Danny Graves. Though it is easily argued that Mr. Kimbrel is a superior player to Mr. Graves — and after all, to employ a reductio ad absurdum, we would certainly not strip the name “Splendid Splinter” from Ted Williams due to the revelation of prior use by some minor player — the seniority of the latter man, I’m sure we can agree, should have some value.
And you know if I strikeout, okay, you know whatever, but if there are guys, runners in scoring position, things like that and you strikeout too, that to me, that’s bad. – Adam Dunn
In all of baseball, there is no man more distinctively and consistently himself than Adam Dunn. In an uncertain world, he is a treasure. Adam Dunn does three things well; no more, no less. Because none of them requires any effort from the opposing defense, Adam Dunn is a gentleman, as well as a treasure. But although he does three things well, he only does one of these things with true greatness, and that is striking out. If nothing else, history will remember this about this man: Adam Dunn struck out.
There are 44 players in the history of baseball, by my count, for whom we have only a last name. Unknown Gilroy, Unknown O’Rourke, Unknown Long. Each of these men snuck his way into a boxscore — just one, usually — and then vanished into the mists of time, thereby enacting a most human of tragedies: to scale the Olympian heights, only to be struck down while etching one’s name in eternal stone.
