Author Archive
Most Saucy Riposte Winner: Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets, it seems
On Tuesday I asked you to either 1) Vote for one of the saucy ripostes I came up with in, like, 45 seconds while watching The Walking Dead, or 2) Craft your own saucy riposte. These ripostes (riposte! riposte! riposte! How many times can I write riposte!?) riposted a verbal thrust from Carlos Beltran, which insinuated that Yasiel Puig was both ignorant of the implications of his own actions and geographically misaligned in the head. Presto [note: altered from original quotation]:
“As a player, I just think you don’t know how to act… That’s what I think. You really don’t know. You must think that you’re still playing somewhere else.”
Of the options I gave, the following riposte received the most votes:
“Indeed, I think I must be playing at home on my Xbox, given the ease with which I’ve defeated you.”
Of the options presented by voters in the “Other” box, there were many! It appears many readers never developed the verbal jousting acumen I expected from noble NotGraphs readers, given the number of responses invoking Carlos Beltran’s mother in some capacity. Ta-da:
“I was playing at yo mama’s house last night”
“Your mother”
“That’s right I’m playing somewhere else, your momma’s butt is where I’m playing.”
Perhaps, given the stereotypes surrounding those interested in in-depth statistical analysis, I should have realized that nerds probably never figured out how to make comebacks more poignant than referencing the offender’s mother’s anus. This is not to say that I wasn’t thoroughly tickled by these ripostes! Also, I love you, nerds. Other themes included fecal matter:
“You are poop.”
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Craft a Saucy Riposte to Carlos Beltran
Certain Cardinals were piqued by things the Dodgers did last night that did not involve the Dodgers having more runs than them at the end of nine innings. One such comment by a Cardinal was expertly rebutted by the accused Dodger. Observe:
Adam Wainwright: “I saw Adrian doing some Mickey Mouse stuff at second, but I didn’t see Puig.”
Adrian Gonzalez: “I did what I always do, but we are in L.A., so Mickey Mouse is only an hour away”
Ka-chow! This appears to be a succulent comeback! Bravo, Adrian Gonzalez! The exchange reminded me of the 1990 point-and-click graphic adventure game The Secret of Monkey Island, wherein protagonist Guybrush Threepwood must swordfight pirates by hurling scathing insults and parrying lurid slurs with quickly conceived repartees. When one pirate might offer a jibe such as, “I’ve spoken with apes more polite than you,” one would receive a list of options with which to riposte. Voila:
What Does This Man’s Sign Mean?
Interpretation 1: A nickname for Cardinals is Cards. Cards also refers to standard playing cards. The best hand in poker is a royal flush. Additionally, “in the cards” refers to something determined ahead of time. Thus, this man is equating the on-field success of the Cardinals as being a foregone conclusion, and that their success will resemble that of a royal flush, while craftily inserting a Cards/cards pun.
Assessment: Unlikely to be the sign-maker’s intended meaning. Too simple. Do you see that man’s face? There’s something going on in that man’s mind–his twisted little mind. Yeah. He’s up to something. He’s up to shenanigans. And hey, shouldn’t those be tarot cards? Isn’t that what “in the cards” really means? Maybe he’s concealing the fact that he’s a witch doctor or shaman? He is no ordinary man. That is no ordinary sign.
TBS’ Innovative Stats and Other Equally Innovative Things
TBS’s INNOVATIVE STAT boxes imply the statistic displayed within is fresh, saucy, and state-of-the-flippin-art. OPS, however, hasn’t been fresh or state-of-the-flippin-art since like 1984, though it retains bits of its original sauce. With that in mind, I made lists of other things that were once innovative but now lack some component of freshness, sauciness, or state-of-the-flippin-artness.
INNOVATIVE MEDICINE
Bloodletting Techniques
Leeches
Scarification
Forearm/Neck Venesection
Drill a Hole in their Head
INNOVATIVE TERRITORIAL DIVIDES
Duchy (by Grand-ness)
Grand Duchy of Luxembourg
Grand Duchy of Lithuania
Grand Duchy of Saxe-Weimar-Eisenach
All the Duchies I bought playing Dominion
Hugely Important Facial Hair Crowdsourcing
Readers: Feel enabled! Collectively you are a powerful source of knowledge and pageviews. You matter. You really do! See how I’m building you up? You are terrific! You are a glistening prism of ability. You are the balls. The good kind. The life-giving kind. I <3 U.
Do you feel uplifted and capable? Yes? Good. Now: I need something from you right away. I require. I insist. I dessicate your once brimming waters. Importantly, I need you to fill out the following survey so that I can know some things. These things relate to the facial stylings of Major League ballplayers past and present. With the power of this knowledge I will likely produce something of considerable value to mankind. It will most assuredly change everything. Everything! Even your goddamn Subaru Forester. Yes, even something as solid, reliable, and practical as your goddamn Subaru Forester will change. So do this thing so that I don’t have to do as much work can change the world:
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Unpacking MLB’s Recent Vine
Vine, for those of you who don’t waste your lives entirely, is the latest way phones and social media have ruined everything. In this case, they’ve ruined videos and/or all of visual storytelling by reducing it to six looped seconds of whatever regular people deem important enough to record, which is universally bullshit. A Vine is a GIF, but loud and shameful and horrible.
Billions of people have Vine, though, even Major League Baseball:
New Hire Excited to Bond with Co-Workers over “Wild Game of Cards”
Grand Island, NE—Further alienating himself at his new job, area Database Specialist Dick Haugstad expressed interest in getting in on a “wild game of cards,” telling co-workers, “I just love a wild card game.” Numerous subtle cues from fellow employees failed to inform Haugstad that they were, in actuality, planning on watching a game of playoff baseball.
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Playoff Contenders’ Chances in Perspective
What even are numbers? I definitely don’t know! That’s why I write for Notgraphs. But luckily Lord Google exists, and I can pray/search for the percent-chance an AL contender makes the playoffs, and then see what other events have or have had a simliar chance of occurring. This way we can ground the shameful ambiguity of numbers in concrete real-world occurrences. Away with the wishy-washy insipidity of numbers, whatever they are.
Tampa Bay Rays
Playoff Chance: ~64%
– Time travel to last spring! There was a 64% chance of major flooding in North Dakota. Time travel to now! Guess what? There was tons of major flooding!
– Choose at random a human from the Rwandan Parliament. There is a 64% chance of that human being a woman. Good news for women and Rwanda!
– Hey Rays fans: Does your child have ADHD? Yes? Look a rabbit! If so, there’s a 64% chance it’s due to their diet. The Rays have the same chance of making–rabbit!?–the playoffs as you being a terrible parent who pumps your kids full of sulfites, salicylates, MSG, and omg a school bus!
– The percentage of people who read Notgraphs at work is probably about 64%. The rest read it at home, not wasting work time but instead neglecting their families.
MVP Debate: Subjectified!
The words “MOST VALUABLE PLAYER” contain a mystery word! That word is not “most” or “player” or “churro.” It’s “valuable!” You guessed it! The “value” of a player is a hotly contested/annoying debate that is already happening and will happen for weeks on end. At Fangraphs, the tendency is to choose the individual who performed best based primarily on observable/measurable data. OBJECTIVE criteria, if you will. But here at Notgraphs we shun objectivity, because we know that in the end no matter what we measure or how well we measure it our ultimate destiny is to return as dust to the earth and be forgotten. Death is immeasurable! Terrific!
Instead, I propose a means of choosing MVPs using egregiously subjective criteria. Specifically: Use MyCeleb celebrity face match on the MyHeritage App to find out who MVP candidates most look like, and then pick league MVPs based on which celebrity I like best. Solid methodology, bro!