Well, everything ends, eventually. Especially when I’m involved.

Remember Friendster? Yep, I killed it. That was me. Tried to make a few friends, people complained to the site — who would want to be friends with a guy like me? — and all the users left and there goes that.

The end of a short period of stability in the Middle East? My fault. Can’t remember what I did, but I’m sure it was terrible.

I read a book not that long ago called The End of Men. My fault too. Weak sperm. Low testosterone. Too many soy products, maybe. What can I say, I love tempeh.

Anyway, NotGraphs. Been a good run. As soon as Carson told me the news, I offered to take the reins– HopelessGraphs, anyone?– but a site focused primarily on Dan Uggla, B.J. Upton, and former Yankees prospect Brien Taylor probably wouldn’t be much of a hit with readers.

Okay, okay, there was a half-truth in that last paragraph. Offering to take over wasn’t the FIRST thing I did when I heard the news. First I tried to find whatever pills I had in my medicine cabinet to see if any of them could help dull the pain. Fourteen TUMS and a couple of Imodium later and, I tell you, my stomach felt a little funny but I was still pretty disappointed. A Sudafed helped get rid of my stuffy nose. But still sad.

Then I watched a couple of innings of the Mets game and realized this whole sport is kind of silly anyway.

#HopelessGraphs?

Deadspin reports on the latest prank against Jeff Francoeur (just called up to the majors, where he will likely succeed for a little while before reverting to his usual not-so-selective self).

I watched the video so you don’t have to: they lock him in a bathroom, and he escapes through the ceiling tiles.

It is a very boring video.

I mean, I’m not saying life over here is any more interesting, but it is a very, very boring video, with the only notable thing being how amused all of the players seem to be about the fact that they have locked someone in the bathroom.

I tried the same stunt with my mother-in-law and it was not nearly so funny.*

*I did not. But I needed an ending for this post.

(via FantasySP.com)

Fill in your own punchline:

“The Mets are not willing to eat salary in a Bartolo Colon deal. ___________________________________________.”

Some ideas to get you started:

“The Mets are not willing to eat salary in a Bartolo Colon deal. Bartolo Colon, on the other hand, is willing to eat whatever it takes.”

“The Mets are not willing to eat salary in a Bartolo Colon deal. Fortunately, the salary has already been eaten by Colon himself.”

“The Mets are not willing to eat salary in a Bartolo Colon deal. That’s like saying the Dodgers refused to order a beard trimmer when they signed Brian Wilson.”

Okay, that last one is not good. And the other two are, well, too easy. BUT THAT’S WHERE YOU COME IN! GET TO WORK!

Over the weekend, the minor league GM of the Myrtle Beach Pelicans (Rangers Single-A), Andy Milovich, offered to undergo a prostate exam during a game.

“It’s not like I would be getting it at home plate,” Milovich said. “I’ll likely do it from our radio booth and the fans will see me from the shoulder up.”

“…and, Jorge Alfaro steps up to the plate. Alfaro is 1-for-2 on the day, with a double in the 4th inning that drove in one. And speaking of one being driven in, the prostate exam has begun here in the booth. First pitch to Alfaro is low and outside, a ball. Speaking of balls… yes, here they are, in the booth, right there, we’re looking right at them. Never thought I’d see the day.

“And that sound you just heard was Andy Milovich. Perhaps the radio booth was not the perfect place for a prostate exam, Andy? Of course, anywhere is a perfect place for Coors Light, the official beer of the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. This game, and this prostate exam, brought to you by Coors Light. Taste the Rockies. But definitely don’t taste whatever is on this doctor’s finger.

“Speaking of doctors, what kind of doctor is agreeing to do a prostate exam in this medically sterile, bacteria-free radio booth? If you have a malpractice case and need a lawyer, like Andy Milovich probably should, just call Jacoby and Meyers, sponsors of this broadcast and Andy Milovich’s prostate.

“There’s ball two to Alfaro, and coincidentally that’s the same number of balls as we’ve got right on the table here, next to this delicious Hebrew National Hot Dog, available at the ballpark, in your grocer’s freezer, and right next to this prostate exam right here.

“The pitch, and Alfaro pokes one just past the pitcher’s mound. And speaking of poking….”

Rob Neyer launched FoxSports.com’s Just A Bit Outside Grantland-like site-within-a-site last week, announcing in his introductory post that actor Jeff Garlin would be writing for the site. He had to take that back a couple of days later (oh, Hollywood…).

Which reminded me to let you know… despite what I thought was a firm promise, God will not be writing for NotGraphs this week. See, I reached out to him (her?) at a particularly desperate moment a few weeks ago, asking for some help with post topics — inspiration, perhaps, or if he wanted to send someone down to just write the whole thing for me, my door is always open. And I was pretty sure I saw some lightning afterwards, or a shooting star, or some sign or another that there was order in the universe and we aren’t all just accidents of evolution. Anyway, the sign indicated to me that even though God was busy that week, he would be willing to take a couple of posts off my plate this week, especially since he’s been working on a new study regarding the ability he gives someone to grow facial hair and how it relates to the ability he gives them to throw a fastball, and he wanted to share some preliminary results. I didn’t get anything in writing, because, you know, I figured if there was anyone’s word I could trust, it would be God. But now it’s Monday, and despite the early interest, now I’m not getting an answer to any of my e-mails, voice mails, or prayers (hey, that also sounds just like my current experience trying to find a part-time babysitter for my 9-month-old son… but that’s a piece for a different website!), so I think I just have to suck it up and admit to myself that it’s not going to happen. God will not be writing for NotGraphs.

In fact, it seems like he may be deciding to smite down the entire site. Hopeless Joe is getting very concerned.

Breaking News — following Adam Wainwright’s comment that he grooved the pitch Derek Jeter hit for a double at this week’s All-Star Game, Jeremy Giambi revealed that he purposely slowed down back in the 2001 American League Division Series when Jeter made the “flip play” that has become one of his most iconic.

“…so I saw the ball land in right field, and Shane Spencer pick it up, and I was all set to score… but then Jeter comes out of nowhere, sets himself up to grab that relay throw– and certainly by 2001, Derek was already a huge legend in the game, and I figured, hey, what better way to pay tribute to the sport than to set him up for a defensive maneuver that could go down in history. I knew all about the arguments against his fielding– numbers, and all of that– and so I knew it would be even more valuable for him to have a play like this to buttress what was already a slam-dunk Hall of Fame case. I was running full speed, and didn’t want to hurt myself by suddenly coming to a complete stop, but I figured I could try my best to put on the brakes– and even if I was risking injury a little bit, it was worth it to help make Derek Jeter into a legend. I tried to catch his glance– and in a single, career-defining moment for me, Derek Jeter looked at me– actually looked at me, the way we all dream Derek Jeter will look at us, his eyes boring a hole deep into my soul– and I used my eyes to communicate a message. “Flip that ball,” my right eye said, “and you will get me out,” my left eye added. And I used all of the muscle power inside of me to put the brakes on as quickly as I could– and, just as I’d intended, Jorge’s tag got me.

“He never said thank you. I mean, he sent me a gift basket, but he sends that to all of his opponents after every game, so it was hard to feel special just from that. But I know he knew, and I know that deep down he must feel that same admiration for me as I felt for him. And I’m proud that even though my major league career did not go as well as I’d dreamed it would, I will always be part of history as the man who purposely slowed down so that Derek Jeter could make a career-defining play.

“I also threatened to have Byung-Hyun Kim’s visa revoked if he didn’t throw Jeter a batting practice fastball in the World Series that year, so I should get credit for that too.

“And in 2012, I invented a time machine and only let Derek Jeter use it.”

(via Rotoworld)

“No, man, I don’t feel it, I don’t touch it, I don’t rub it, I don’t do any of that stuff. Not anymore. I know all that used to be a problem for me, but now I keep my hands completely away from it, I don’t even think about it. I mean, that’s how I injured it, so I know it’s really important to leave it alone, put that whole area out of my head, and not aggravate the problem by going back in there and fooling around. It’s like, yeah, once it got injured, it totally hurt whenever I was doing anything with that, uh, region of my body, but it was the kind of pain that, I don’t know, made me keep going back in, like a good kind of pain, except it wasn’t good because then when I tried to play baseball with it, it was, like, really not good, really hard to swing and everything, even to bend over and pick up a bat, or a ball, or a video of people, uh, naked people, uh, no, like I said, I’m not even thinking about that anymore. So, like, I tried tying my hands behind my back, handcuffing them to my chair, all sorts of stuff. I thought maybe a stress ball would help, one of those little ones, squeeze that, get all of my energy out with that– obviously it wasn’t the same, and, I don’t know, I think in some ways it just made the urge to get back into that area even more powerful, it’s sort of an addiction I guess, but not something the Players Association has any testing for, you know? So, yes, I admit I was feeling the injury a little bit at the beginning, mostly late at night in front of the computer, but I promise, no more. Not since we got that child-safe filter or whatever it was that my wife said we had to get. I mean, I know I can afford to pay someone to figure out a way around it, one of those tech guys, maybe a blogger or something, but I’m being good. I’m not touching anything, poking at anything, not even looking at it, I am not feeling my groin injury anymore. I promise.”

5. Twinkie The Loon

According to Wikipedia, Twinkie The Loon was a mascot used by the Minnesota Twins during the 1980 and 1981 seasons. He has 47 likes on Facebook. Baseball Prospectus has called him, “a freak of a bird, with thin legs and goofy eyes.” ESPN named him the fourth worst mascot ever. He is unlikely to contribute this season.

Read the rest of this entry »

Derek Jeter in the New York Post on Alfonso Soriano being designated for assignment:

“He is like a brother to me. He should be proud of what he was able to do.”

Soriano, in response:

“A brother? Did he say that? Well, I say Derek Jeter is like a father to me. Older, wiser, a father who can no longer hit with authority, unlike me, who is just having a down year, but I will be back for six, seven, eight, fifteen more productive years in the major leagues, while my father, Derek Jeter, floats off into retirement. Maybe he is even more like a grandfather to me. After all, I am only thirty-eight years old, and how old is Derek? Sixty? Sixty-five?”

Jeter, after hearing Soriano’s remarks:

“I was misquoted earlier. Alfonso Soriano is like a great-aunt to me.”

Soriano:

“Derek Jeter is like the ancestor who comes to me in a dream and tells me that if I don’t treat people with more kindness, I will be alone forever, and also something about Tiny Tim (Collins).”

Jeter:

“Soriano is like the fossil I dug up under the dugout.”

Soriano:

“Jeter is like my favorite Cro-Magnon shortstop.”

Jeter:

“Soriano is an amoeba from before life on Earth progressed beyond single-celled organisms.”

Soriano:

“Jeter seems to have taken a science class.”

The first MLB All-Star Game took place in 1933. We at NotGraphs thought we’d take a look back at the players in the starting lineups and see where they are now.

National League
SP Bill Hallahan, St. Louis — Deceased
C Jimmie Wilson, St. Louis — Deceased
1B Bill Terry, New York — Deceased
2B Frankie Frisch, St. Louis — Deceased
3B Pepper Martin, St. Louis — Deceased
SS Dick Bartell, Philadelphia — Deceased
LF Chick Hafey, Cincinnati — Deceased
CF Wally Berger, Boston — Deceased
RF Chuck Klein, Philadelphia — Deceased

American League
SP Lefty Gomez, New York — Deceased
C Rick Ferrell, Boston — Deceased
1B Lou Gehrig, New York — Deceased
2B Charlie Gehringer, Detroit — Deceased
3B Jimmy Dykes, Chicago — Deceased
SS Joe Cronin, Washington — Deceased
LF Ben Chapman, New York — Deceased
CF Al Simmons, Chicago — Deceased
RF Babe Ruth, New York — Deceased

This does not bode well for the current batch of All-Stars.