“You think The Boston Globe told you the whole story, with Terry Francona’s drug addiction, Jon Lester’s fried chicken binge eating, and Theo Epstein turning a blind eye? You don’t know the half of it. The real story behind the Red Sox September collapse goes so much deeper. First, there’s the prostitution ring Jason Varitek was running from the dugout. Then there’s Dan Wheeler introducing a flesh-eating virus that devoured much of the bullpen. And you can’t forget David Ortiz, working with scientists to create secret clones of most of his teammates that were 40% less good at playing baseball than the real versions. There’s a closet in the bowels of the stadium where the real Carl Crawford and Daniel Bard are trapped, surviving only on the remains of Joey Gathright and Lars Anderson. And let’s not forget the distraction that Zombie Matt Albers created, trying to eat the other players.

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Two points for every “yes” response.

Have you ever…
1. Been in a fantasy league?
2. …more than five in a season?
3. …more than ten?
4. Done a mock draft, just for fun?
5. …even when they stopped being fun?
6. …even while you had other things you knew you should have been doing, and the idea of practicing for a fake thing by doing an even more fake thing made you feel like the most useless person in the world, yet you couldn’t resist?
7. Owned a copy of Ron Shandler’s Baseball Forecaster?
8. …an autographed copy?
9. Told a major league player that he was on your team?
10. …asked him to steal more bases?
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Which is why I did this. Inspired by things the TBS team has actually said. More playoff announcer nonsense invited in the comments.