Ask NotGraphs (#10)
Dear NotGraphs,
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I’m stuck with Justin Morneau, what do I do?
(Asking if he wants to play hockey, notwithstanding)
Author Archive
Songs for the Sox, and the Mets
Courtesy of Baseball Think Factory, it seems that film score composer John Williams (Star Wars, E.T., Schindler’s List, Home Alone) has composed a theme song for the Red Sox, called “Fanfare for Fenway.”
Contrast with the Mets’ new theme song. (Link not safe for, uh, anybody who has eaten recently. Sorry.)
2012 Organizational Rankings #31 — My Fantasy Team
2012 Outlook: 20 (31st)
With holdovers from last year like Brian Roberts, Chase Utley, Magglio Ordonez, Michael Wuertz, Rickey Henderson, and Gaylord Perry, it’s bound to be a long season. Rookies like Melvin Mora’s quintuplets aren’t close to contributing. Besides, spotty recent Internet service means lineup changes may not happen regularly, and a commitment to focusing on things other than fantasy baseball means that significant trade activity is unlikely. For this season, there are very few teams with less hope.
2013+ Outlook: 20 (31st)
Next year, it’s not looking any better. Although the 34-year Gaylord Perry contract will finally (!) be off the books, the decision to extend Chipper Jones this spring means that even before the draft, the team will already be at a disadvantage. The minor league system is completely barren, mostly due to the lack of a minor league system in the league’s settings, but, still, the rules can’t take all of the blame. And for 2014 and beyond, there’s literally nobody on this team.
Financial Resources: 20 (31st)
My check bounced. It’s tough to admit it, but I wasn’t keeping good checkbook records, and I thought I had enough in my account to cover the yearly fee… but I didn’t. Which, combined with new austerity measures, limited budget for website subscriptions and pre-season annuals, and lack of ink in the toner cartridge, puts me at the bottom of the rankings in this category as well.
Baseball Operations: 20 (31st)
It’s a distracted front office, with many non-baseball demands, including the dishes in the sink and the laundry in the hamper, and, no, I don’t know why there’s that much dust under the bed. No recent investments in new technology, and the mass resignation of the fleet of unpaid interns who had expected more hands-on work have made the team office a shell of what it could be. It’s hard to imagine worse than setting lineups on a first-generation BlackBerry and using a generic spreadsheet program to prepare for the auction because we couldn’t spring for Excel.
Overall: 20 (31st)
For every positive about this team– and there are none– there are an undefined number of negatives. The current team has something like ten outfielders but no active pitchers. There’s a pile of old Baseball Prospectus annuals, but are any of them from the past six seasons? There’s plenty of charge in the BlackBerry, but there are no baseball-related applications on it. There might be light at the end of the tunnel, if I win the battle for a new stadium, er, home office, but that doesn’t seem likely. There’s really nowhere to go but up, but there’s no reason to think there will be any movement in that direction anytime soon. Another decade of last place finishes seems inevitable.
Stealing Matt’s Rebus Idea
I liked Matt’s rebus post last week. I decided to make my own.
Hint #1: Famous line from a movie
Hint #2: My rebus will not win points for precision
If anyone can guess this, either you are amazing, or I am bad at determining how impossible this will be.
Ask NotGraphs (#9)
Dearest NotGraphs,
For the past half decade or so, I have been entrenched in a fantasy baseball league comprised of my brothers, my father, and many of my cousins. Naturally, the league message board has become the main forum for all matters important to my extended family–marriages, childbirth, and of course the woes of the Kansas City Royals. Unfortunately, the message board can only be accessed by league members. This left many sad* wives, aunts and grandmothers out of the loop.
To fashion a remedy, last year the league commissioner (my brother) created a blog** for our family’s fantasy baseball league. Though it was lauded by all league members as a brilliant idea, the blog is prone to go long stretches without new posts. I do my best to post regularly, but I seem to be the only league member with any such dedication. Over nearly a year on this series of tubes, 72.6% of the blog’s posts have been authored by yours truly. Is there any way I can encourage the other league members to post more often?
When it comes to my own posts, I often have difficulty coming up with content that will be enjoyable for the blog’s handful of readers***. Now that my daily countdown to pitchers and catchers reporting is over, I’m not certain what I might use for blog fodder. Do you have any advice about how to keep coming up with fresh, entertaining blog content?
Many thanks,
Aspiring Baseball Blogger Suffering From Writer’s Block
*Presumably.
**I’ll spare you the web address, as you would only discover that the blog is really quite pathetic.
***When my wife asks why I bother posting to a blog that almost nobody reads, I have no dignified response.
The Tao of Jason Giambi
Courtesy of Carson, this Tweet:
Jason Giambi shares his wisdom with some of the younger #Rockies players: atmlb.com/yx5RV3 #RoxCommercials #StarWars
— Colorado Rockies (@Rockies) March 18, 2012
If you watch the linked commercial– and you should!– you will hear advertising creatives crying Giambi offering Yoda-like advice to Rockies players I’m not sure I can correctly name. Advice like, “Powerful Become You Are” to some guy in the weight room. (The commercial cuts out just before Giambi injects him with Pine Tar.) Enjoy.
Yo Momma Jokes For Your Fantasy Baseball Auction
Yo momma’s so cheap, she didn’t even want to pay $35 for Troy Tulowitzki.
Yo momma’s so old, she remembers when Jamie Moyer was in his thirties.
Yo momma’s so poor, she can’t even afford fake auction money.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she thinks Jordan Zimmermann’s last name only has one N.
Yo momma’s so lazy, she didn’t make her own spreadsheet.
Yo momma’s so ugly, she made this awesome real-time-updated draft board I set up to work on my TV set crack in half.
Yo momma’s so fat, I couldn’t even see behind her, and notice you were holding up your hand to bid on Asdrubal Cabrera. So he went for $10 to someone else. Sorry. There are other decent shortstops available, though.
Nonsense Spring Training Stats
(numbers through Saturday)
1. Mark DeRosa (WSH) has 8 walks in 22 plate appearances. I would say this sounds like Mark DeRosa has decided he should no longer swing the bat, except he also has 6 hits in 14 at-bats, including a double and a home run. Last year, with 86 major league at-bats, Mark DeRosa had 8 walks, 2 doubles, and zero home runs. Last year, with 47 minor league at-bats, Mark DeRosa had 1 walk, 2 doubles, and zero home runs.
2. Brett Lawrie (TOR), who had a .953 OPS last season, has a 1.582 OPS this spring, and 5 stolen bases (he had 7, in 150 at-bats, last year). I wish Brett Lawrie wasn’t protected in all of my fantasy leagues.
3. No one has three triples yet. Among those with 2: Brandon Wood (COL). Wood actually has 8 career Spring Training triples. In 700 major league at-bats, Brandon Wood has zero triples.
4. Wade LeBlanc (MIA) is a monster. 10.1 innings. 1 hit. 9 strikeouts. Last spring, he gave up 17 earned runs in 19 2/3 innings.
5. Most innings pitched with zero strikeouts: Mike Pelfrey (NYM), with 7 innings. (12 hits, 8 runs, 3 home runs allowed….)
6. Julio Teheran (ATL) has given up 8 home runs in 9 innings. No one, last spring, gave up more than 7 home runs. In 2010, one person did. It was Mike Pelfrey. Ha. Going back to 2006, Brandon Backe gave up 12 home runs in 27 1/3 spring innings. Brandon Backe gave up 36 major league home runs, in 166 2/3 innings in the 2008 regular season. That is a lot.
Ask NotGraphs (#8)
Hey NotGraphs,
I’m tired of reading about how wonderful all the players have been in the offseason. I am also a little bit tired of reading how everybody has turned a corner and is ready to have a career year. Could you give me a list of all the players who will suck for 2012? Not due to injury or anything awful, just a few guys who everybody has pencilled into their lineup who will absolutely suck. Preferably guys who will continue to get pencilled into the lineup over and over again.
I mostly want to watch for these folks around the league this year, to lift my spirits, because I spend most of my time thinking my team is the only one with sucking players. You know, players who are like a black hole in the lineup or rotation. Therefore you can omit any Blue Jay players who will suck. I know all their names already.
Thank you,
GW
A Sandbox Regret
Can we learn anything from the mysterious ways of the universe?
Probably not.
But here are some anagrams of the names of a few of baseball’s top prospects that may be able to give us some insight into their future success or failure:
James Paxton, P, Mariners: Met, Sox, Japan
Randall Delgado, P, Braves: A Gnarled Old Lad
Julio Teheran, P, Braves: Injure To Heal
Devin Mesoraco, C, Reds: Manic Overdose
Jedd Gyorko, 3B, Padres: Joky Dodger
Yasmani Grandal, C, Padres: A Damning Salary
Jake Odorizzi, P, Royals: Rookie I’d Jazz
Xander Bogaerts, SS, Red Sox: A Sandbox Regret
(Thanks, Internet Anagram Server)