No one knows what to expect from Jose Abreu. Certainly I do not know what to expect from him. Thus, this post is not about his fantasy value, or his fantasy projections. It is merely a fantasy about Jose Abreu.

Jose Abreu will arrive at spring training riding a unicorn.

He will bring pasteles for his teammates, filled with guava paste and cream cheese. They will look at them strangely and throw them in the trash.

He will swing three bats at once. One of them will be carved from the arm of Fidel Castro. Another will be carved from the arm of Raul Castro. The third will be carved from the arm of Juan Castro.

He will hit twelve home runs during spring training.

I will draft him. So will you.

Those are the last twelve home runs he will ever hit.

Because the unicorn will eat him.

Slate has an article about William Edward White, the first black major leaguer, who played in one game in 1879 and lived his life as a white man. It’s an interesting piece, even though his family didn’t even know he played major league baseball, and it’s not clear he even thought of himself as black…

But it doesn’t compare to the saga of Harold Partridge Outfielder, baseball’s first infielder, who lived his entire life believing he was playing the outfield. See, Harold was born in 1652, and was taught that the outfield started just behind second base — and that from there to the lip of the grass was in fact outfield, not infield. So when Outfielder played a deep second base, he believed he was acting as an outfielder, not as an infielder. He played one inning for the New Amsterdam Van Stuyvesants in 1675 and then fell victim to dropsy and was never heard from again. His existence will always be merely a footnote to a footnote to a footnote in major league history. But his legacy lives on here, in the virtual pages of NotGraphs.

Also, he was a gay Jewish woman.

Sorry, I guess it’s Globe Life, not Glob Life. In either case, we here sitting in front of my computer writing this NotGraphs post do not find this name appealing in any way at all. Apparently the previous sponsor of the Rangers’ ballpark was Ameriquest (although we here in front of my computer do not remember ever knowing this), until Ameriquest, “a major subprime lender… fired thousands of employees and paid $325 million in settlements over claims of deceptive lending practices.” That certainly bodes well for you, Glob Life.

The Dallas Morning News, desperately seeking some sparkly modern interactive content for its website, is running a poll asking its readers whether they like the name Globe Life Park in Arlington. As of this writing, 87.07% say no, and 12.93% say yes. It is unclear to 100% of the people writing this post who the 12.93% are who (a) like the name Globe Life Park in Arlington, and (b) are so enthusiastic about it that they decided to click yes on this poll on the Dallas Morning News website.

I was hoping one of these voters would leave a comment, but, alas, I don’t see a place for comments underneath the poll. Instead, I’ve decided to make one up. Here are a few imaginary voters, explaining their imaginary yes votes.

I’m actually a customer of Globe Life Insurance, and I like to be reminded that my family is protected in the event of my death every time I go see a Rangers game.

I’ve actually been thinking about buying life insurance, ever since we went out to a bar with Tanner Scheppers and got sucker-punched. I didn’t know where to turn. Now I know.

I’m always looking for my new insurance company on a sign at the baseball games I attend. Thanks, Globe Life– you have a new customer.

Globe Life Park is the perfect name for the stadium of my favorite team, the Globe Trotters.

Perfect name. Ever since my house was foreclosed upon by Ameriquest, I have been living on the street — or, as one might say, on the globe. So Globe Life describes my situation perfectly.

I like the name — just not sure which globe they’re referring to.

Have you seen this new Royals billboard? Shameful. Not only are they cheap with their payroll, but apparently they’re too cheap to afford to cover an entire billboard. This is ridiculous. What’s next? Hot dogs at Kauffman Stadium with a bite taken out of them? Seats with no backs? Beer with no foam?

Oh, it’s supposed to be like that?

Then, actually, I kind of love it.

All four burners are on, so it’s an exciting day here on the Hot Stove Report. In a non-stick pan on the front left burner are three thick-cut slices of brioche, dipped in an egg batter enriched with milk, sugar, cinnamon, and just a splash of vanilla extract. In a pot right next to it, a cup of raisins being plumped up in a maple-fortified sugar syrup. We’re letting that reduce while we deal with some sides in the back. On the left rear burner, some spinach is being wilted down with butter, a pinch of nutmeg, and — secret ingredient — a tablespoon of miso paste. And on the back right, carrots sliced on the bias, glazing in some of that very same raisin-maple mixture cooking down just in front of it, with a handful of chopped pickled chili peppers for heat and some basil and a handful of roasted pecans thrown in at the last minute.

Now did someone say something about Emilio Bonifacio, or should we just eat?

Last week, I challenged you to come up with some Hall of Fame cap ideas for Greg Maddux. Vote for your favorite!

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2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Greg Maddux will be entering the Hall of Fame without a logo on his cap, opting not to choose between the Cubs and Braves.

Anyone want to play with Photoshop and offer up some alternatives if Maddux is looking for another option? Send me your work and I’ll post ’em next week and let people vote for the winner.

ROUND 1
1. Mark McGwire, LAD
2. Alan Trammell, ARI
3. Dennis Martinez, HOU
4. Andy Van Slyke, SEA
5. Chili Davis, OAK
6. Don Baylor, LAA
7. Howard Johnson, SEA
8. Terry Steinbach, MIN
9. Tom Brunansky, MIN
10. Kevin Seitzer, TOR

ROUND 2
1. Steve Sax, ARI
2. Tim Wallach, LAD
3. Wally Joyner, DET
4. Omar Vizquel, DET
5. Jay Bell, CIN
6. Juan Samuel, PHI
7. Dave Righetti, SFG
8. Sandy Alomar, CLE
9. Joe McEwing, CHW
10. Roger McDowell, ATL

ROUND 3
1. Davey Lopes, LAD
2. Dave Magadan, TEX
3. Alfredo Griffin, LAA
4. Gary DiSarcina, LAA
5. Tim Bogar, TEX
6. Daryl Boston, CHW
7. Juan Nieves, BOS
8. Dave Roberts, SDP
9. Rick Schu, WAS
10. Greg Colbrunn, BOS

Lopes definitely dropped, right?

Colin Zarzycki wrote a post with this title on RotoGraphs this week. Unfortunately he didn’t reveal how we can purchase one of these pens for ourselves. Fortunately, I have done the necessary investigation. This is most likely the Dodgers pen he is referring to.

The Aurora Diamante… is covered with over 30 carats of De Beers diamonds on a solid platinum barrel. It has a two-tone, rhodium-treated, 18KT solid gold nib and is personalized with a coat of arms, signature, or portrait.
[LINK]

And at $1.3 million, it isn’t quite as expensive as the entire Astros roster, but it’s close.

On Saturday night, the Dodgers loaned their stadium to the L.A. Kings for a bizarre outdoor ice hockey game in 64-degree Los Angeles, an exciting tribute to refrigeration, sponsored by the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power.

Of course, it’s nothing compared to what will be happening one night this July, when the Kings loan their stadium to the Dodgers for the first baseball game on ice since the Cincinnati Red Stockings took on the Alberta Ice Fishermen in the 1894 Transamerica Series. Carl Crawford, Hanley Ramirez, and Josh Beckett are already set to get injured in the contest, while Yasiel Puig will be driving the Zamboni.