Answer the following questions, testing your critical analysis skills:

1. “The cost is what is keeping Mets fans away from the ballpark” suffers from the same logical flaw as which of the following sentences?
(a) The cost is what is keeping music fans away from the Right Said Fred Reunion Tour.
(b) The cheese is what is keeping hungry people from eating a grilled cheese and rotten tuna bones sandwich.
(c) The maggots are what is keeping people from eating that corpse over there.
(d) Bartolo Colon.

2. The man in the picture:
(a) Works for The New York Post.
(b) Had a better seat, but didn’t want to be able to see the Mets lose quite so clearly.
(c) Needed somewhere to quietly reflect.
(d) Has been photoshopped in.

3. The full article mentions the $6.25 hot dog cost, highest in the game. The cost of hot dogs is a factor driving attendance to the same degree as:
(a) What’s inside the hot dog.
(b) The brand of mustard.
(c) Ruben Tejada.
(d) Which alternate uniform the team is wearing on a given day.

4. Also from the article: “John Canova, who lives in East Meadow, bought Mets season tickets from 2001 through last year. He gave up this year, he said, because he found it exceedingly difficult to sell the tickets for games he didn’t attend….” Based on this sentence, which of the following is true:
(a) John Canova has been in a coma since 2008.
(b) John Canova has too much disposable income.
(c) John Canova has spent a lot of time on the StubHub website.
(d) All of the above.

5. “Michael Weinstat, a registered investment advisor who lives in Woodbury, owned Mets season tickets with a friend from 1987-2009. He gave up after ’09 because, armed with the public knowledge that the Mets had lost so much money to Bernard Madoff, he saw the storm coming.” Michael Weinstat:
(a) Is clearly the reason the Mets haven’t won the World Series since 1986.
(b) Knows he is the reason the Mets haven’t won the World Series since 1986 and feels awful about it.
(c) Is making up this so-called “friend.”
(d) Indirectly lost a lot of money to Bernard Madoff.

If you answered (a), (b), (c), or (d) to any of these questions, you are correct. You win as many Mets tickets as you want.

I apologize for this post. Feel free to leave your own images of Andrew Cashner’s fantasy ceiling, or fantasy ceiling fan, in the comments.

NEW YORK — X-rays have confirmed what was previously suspected: Mets closer Bobby Parnell has a partially torn elbow in his elbow. Doctors are unsure how it got there, or whether it was torn before or after it entered Parnell’s body, but they confirm that the partially torn elbow likely belonged to a former minor league teammate.

Whether Parnell ingested this teammate’s elbow as part of a dare or initiation ritual, whether it was placed inside of him as some sort of prank, or whether he injected into his elbow a syringe-ful of magic beans that caused a new elbow to sprout inside of him is unclear.

It is also unclear how the partially torn elbow made its way to Parnell’s elbow if that was not its initial site of entry. If the elbow was ingested, it would have been a difficult journey from the mouth to the elbow, likely just narrowly sliding past his carotid artery. If the partially torn elbow entered from the other end of Parnell’s body, there are additional questions that definitely do not have answers.

The hope is that the partially torn elbow will heal with rest, although prospects for its ultimate removal are grim without surgery. Any elbow-dissolving drugs Parnell could receive would likely destroy his own elbow in addition to the partially torn elbow, leading to not only the end of his pitching career but possibly the end of his lower arm entirely.

Doctors are writing up the case in The Journal of Elbow Medicine, and, rest assured, NotGraphs will be the first to publish that paper once it is completed.

(Photo: Charles Stewart Parnell, founder and leader of the Irish Parliamentary Party.)

(For more nonsense inspired by my son, check out my piece on McSweeney’s last week, “Your Baby’s Klout Score is in the 25th Percentile.”)

1. Casey Janssen. Placed on the DL yesterday, after recovering enough from his earlier injury to appear in back-to-back games and not be able to have his DL stint backdated. Janssen will be replaced as the Blue Jays closer by Sergio Santos, who will likely never give the job back, costing Janssen millions of dollars as he goes from “proven closer” riches to “fungible reliever” pennies.

2. J.P. Arencibia. At least as a backup he had a chance of small sample size lucking him into nice-looking stats that would make it seem like he still knows how to hit the baseball. As a starter, less likely.

3. Daisuke Matsuzaka. 25 Ks in 23.2 spring innings, and a ticket to AAA. At least it’s Las Vegas. Then again, last time I was in Vegas, someone stabbed me in my hotel bathtub and stole my kidney. (Joke’s on them– that wasn’t my kidney.)

4. Bobby Abreu. Too young for the Phillies. Oh well. Rumored to be offered a minor league deal by the Mets, which makes him particularly unlucky this week.

5. Mike Jirschele. 36 years in the minors and now he gets to be a coach… for the Royals. Maybe Hopeless Joe should be Hopeless Mike. (Serious note: if you haven’t read ESPN’s piece about Jirschele and his journey, do that now. Best piece I’ve read all month, at least.)

The Washington Post discusses Bryce Harper’s diet. Mostly healthy, except:

“I mean, I’m not perfect,” Harper said, laughing as he sat in the Washington Nationals’ dugout this week. “I eat ice cream all the time. Outside of that, I’m going to be smart.”

Clearly, a Ben & Jerry’s opportunity here. So… what should Bryce Harper’s flavor be?

1. Bryce Pudding. Vanilla ice cream with a rice pudding swirl and cinnamon-fudge-coated raisins.

2. Sugar ‘n Bryce. Sweet cream ice cream with gingerbread spice cookie chunks and an eye-black lico-Bryce swirl.

3. Bryce Cream Cake. Cake batter ice cream with red, white, and blue Washington Nationals uniform-color cake bits and a buttercream frosting swirl.

4. Bryce Krispie Treat. Vanilla ice cream with a marshmallow swirl and chocolate-covered Rice Krispie Treat chunks.

Okay, now I’m hungry. Someone please help make this happen.

Hi Randy,

How’s it going? Remember that contract you signed? The one that offered you a chance to write for NotGraphs and said that we’d try you out this spring and if we liked your stuff, we’d give you a million dollars? Guess what? We like your stuff! Welcome to the team. Just give me a call about some details. Thanks.

Best,
Jack Z., guest editor, NotGraphs

Read the rest of this entry »

My spreadsheet has many columns.

My spreadsheet has many rows.

My spreadsheet smells like jasmine.

My spreadsheet says the sweetest things to me as I drift off to sleep at night.

My spreadsheet is made of gold.

My spreadsheet has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Read the rest of this entry »

Original Link.

1. In Australia, they run the bases backwards — just like the water swirling down the toilet.

2. In Australia, kangaroos are not only mascots and the primary ingredient in the most popular hot dog sold at the games, but they also manage the teams.

3. In Australia, convicts on the team aren’t just the exception, they’re the rule.

4. In Australia, the All-Star Game is played atop the Great Barrier Reef.

5. In Australia, the grounds crew is composed entirely of koala bears.