It’s that time of year again. Well, it’s a time of year again. That is, if you subscribe to the idea that time is a constant. This has started poorly. I’m choosing to move on.
Look, the Hot Stove is upon us, and shit’s about to get real. We are about to enter a whirlwind of rumors, financial specifics, rumors refuting rumors, and general discord amongst fan bases. You cannot stop Hot Stove, you can only hope to contain it.
But we here at NotGraphs are on your side, for once. We have provided some helpful tips for navigating and conceptualizing all that is Hot Stove.
1. When a reporter says a team is “interested” in a player, this does not mean the team has aspirations of entering a romantic relationship with said player. This has more to do with a team having interest in the player’s baseballing services. Once a player has signed, however, if another team still shows “interest,” then they are most likely going to bone.
2. When considering the financials of a player’s new contract, keep in mind that money will be useless when society finally rises up against its oppressors. It is also doubtful that there will be baseball during the Revolution. If there is, it certainly will not be televised.
The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigative Team has acquired, through means readily accessible to anyone with an Internet connection, this photo tweeted by former baseballer Dmitri Young, featuring he and also-former baseballer Maglio Ordonez attending the World’s Series. In the picture (which is, of course, embiggenable) the two former Detroit players are bookending what appears to be an unidentified vagrant they discovered on the way to Comerica Park. It is easy to tell this man is a transient for the following reasons;
1.That beard and haggard face are classic identifiers of a man of the rails.
2.He is wearing upwards of three layers on his torso, whilst also being indoors. This is very typical for street people, as they have no closets for storing their unneeded layers.
3.Who wears a Diamondbacks hat to a game between the Giants and Tigers? A vagabond who found said hat in an alley, that’s who.
Credit should be given to Young and Ordonez. They were lucky enough to score some sweet luxury box tickets, and, instead of inviting another former Tiger or a perhaps lady of the night, they gifted the game of baseball to a scary old man in a Canadian tuxedo.
My sources are unable to provide details as to how the evening ended, due mostly to the fact that my sources are either dead or camels. However, you are permitted to speculate as I pound the pavement, looking for the factual ending to this totally factual situation I have presented to you, fair NotGraphs readers.
I do not care much for politics. If I wanted to watch people hurl bile at one another over issues that divide the populous, I’d just read baseball blogs. But regardless of your political affiliations, or lack thereof, I think we can all agree that we as baseball nerds were the big winners last night.
I’m speaking of course about Nate Silver, OG baseball nerd turned political pontificator. Mr. Silver used his statistical-minded analysis to correctly predict the outcome of the presidential election in all 50 states. This has caused some to wonder if Mr. Silver is, in fact, a witch.
Witch or not, Mr. Silver has been quite successful in his career transition. This led me to wonder: At which future careers would current NotGraphs writers be most successful? When we decide to spread our wings and put this shit town in our rear-view, to what profession should we aspire? I propose the following career paths for my brethren. If you disagree, please note that I spent all of five minutes thinking about this. And then go eat a dick.
In 2013, the Houston Astros will be switching from the NL Central to the AL West. While time has eroded most of the differences between the two leagues, there are still some customs and rules particular to the American League of Professional Baseball Clubs with which Houston will have to ingratiate themselves.
1. The Designated Hitter
Established in 1973, the DH rule allows a team to replace their pitcher in the batting order with a more formidable hitter. Well, the “formidable” part is just a friendly suggestion by the author, and may not be feasible for the 2013 Astros. Perhaps they should just keep allowing their pitcher to hit, as part of a year-long Turn Back the Clock promotion. These promotions usually don’t turn the clock back only a single year, but the Astros don’t do most things like most baseball clubs.
If you like heavily-processed meat AND saving money, then yesterday was your day, fair NotGraphs readers. During this year’s World Series, the restaurant chain Taco Bell, as a part of its Steal a Base, Wreck a Toilet Steal a Taco campaign, offered a free Doritos Locos Taco to any fan as long as a player stole a base during the series. Thanks to Angel Pagan’s heroics in Game 2, fans were treated to the opportunity to snag a free Mexican falafel. And Taco Bell stayed true to their word. However, Angel Pagan did not just give free tacos to all with his base-stealing, he did it with some straight-up sorcerer’s conjuration and shit. Observe:
And the people subsequently rejoiced.
Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants, Angel Pagan, Taco Bell, and America.
Outspoken and much maligned manager of the Miami Marlins, Ozzie Guillen, was, very recently, told he’s not allowed to do that job anymore. This frees Mr. Guillen to look for another job.
The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has acquired, through means most nefarious, Ozzie Guillen’s recent job searches. I share them now with you, the fair NotGraphs reader.
Look at that thing. Look at it. The breadth and fullness of Jason Motte’s beard will never cease to inspire awe in me. I’m not celebrating it based on some hipster ideals based in irony and cheekiness, I generally love Jason Motte’s beard. My voice temporarily drops an octave every time I look at it. Jason Motte’s beard can cut down trees and jump start 18-wheelers. Ladies who brush up against it, even by happenstance, will menstruate on the spot. Jason Motte’s beard is one of the last remaining members of the Bull Moose Party, and is the sheriff of this God-damned town. It can drink a bear under the table, and once bare-knuckle boxed with Sasquatch. Jason Motte’s beard will take you to the Promised Land. Just grab a whisker and hang on.
Charles Ives, left, was a pitcher on his high school team.
If you are one who is knowledgeable of classical music, you have most likely heard of Charles Ives. If your knowledge of the genre is more cursory, however, his name may be foreign to you. Charles Ives was an American composer who lived during the early 20th Century. Unlike Bach, Beethoven, and Mozart – all of whom had fame and therefore benefactors that allowed them to compose full-time – Ives was not well-known during his life. He did not have benefactors. He made his living as an insurance salesman. But Charles Ives was a master and a pioneer of modernist music in America. Yet, for a myriad of reasons, his work lived in obscurity until well after his death. He was never around to receive his just recognition. Had the Internet existed in the time of Ives, all of this may be different. Had he a channel to distribute his music, other than a spattering of little-attended concerts put on by brave souls, he may have had a chance to reach people who were able to appreciate him for who he was.
Luckily – for all of us, really – infielder Omar Vizquel did create his music during the Internet Age. His work can be digitized, catalogued, and distributed to his adoring fans to this day still. The following video comes from the CD/DVD combo released in 2005 titled Oh Say Can You Sing?, a title I’m going to assume is rhetorical. If one were able to track down this work, one would be able to listen to the likes of Coco Crisp, Aubrey Huff, Ozzie Smith, and the venerable Scott Linebrink sing or otherwise perform music from the popular vernacular. Not to be forgotten in this cavalcade of stars is one Omar Vizquel, performing both vocals and drums on Broadway by the Goo Goo Dolls. Never has a pairing of artist and song been so incongruous, yet entirely magical. Vizquel displays his mastery of not only the voice, but drums as well. His performance injected with all the life and fervor of a wounded deer, Vizquel is able to somehow make this song less enjoyable than in its previous form. Such skill should not, and cannot, be denied. The overlay of highlights of him hitting, fielding, and just generally looking around, sadly serves as but a distraction to the aural bliss that can be found underneath. This is both wonderfully terrible and terribly wonderful.
Charles Ives may not have gotten his due, but technology now allows us to appreciate Omar Vizquel in the moment. Not only for his contributions on the baseballing field, but for his addition to the modern musical cannon.
(h/t to Eric Freeman for bringing this to my attention)
