Elimination Number: 6

Ron Kantowski, a sports writer who pens a column for a seemingly reputable news organization, wrote this recently in a piece about a 12-and-under baseball tournament:

A lot of those teams probably could take the Astros in a best-of-7 series. Especially the Wakefield Gorillas.

I’ll admit that I’m no Dave Cameron. I’m no Jeff Sullivan and I’m (thankfully) no Eno Sarris. I don’t fancy myself an analyst. I’m more of a big-picture guy. An idea man. I’m not saying I’m the Don Draper of the FanGraphs community, but if one were to be chosen, it would be a tie between me and Baumann and I have way more hair than he does. However, despite my lack of experience in the analysis field, the above quote does not seem accurate to me. Maybe it’s my stupid right-brained approach to things, but I would surmise that even the best Little League team in the west, the Eastlake team from Chula Vista — a representative in the LLWS — couldn’t beat the Astros in a best-of-seven series. But can we prove it? Can we objectively prove that a team of 12-year-olds could not beat a team constructed of adult men with Major-League experience? Well, let’s try.

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Brian Cashman got a voicemail notification. The caller was listed as BLOCKED. He slid his finger across the notification. He entered his voicemail password. He only had one voicemail. There was some digital popping and clicking. Then, a voice. A voice put through a voice modulator. Brian Cashman recognized it right away. He sat, stoic, as the message played. His face was expressionless, but his mind was racing — thinking about his next move, what the voice’s next move might be, and how to counteract it. He only had one option. Well, two options. But one was only for emergencies. He didn’t want to scorch the earth if he didn’t have to. Not yet. He deleted the message, put the phone on the ground, and smashed it with a nearby bat. He reached into his pocket for his burner phone. He called his office.

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What does this camp look like? An artist’s rendering*:

(*Much like you can do with Dayn Perry’s loins, click to enlarge)

Now is a good time to be a fair reader of these electronic pages, fair reader. You see, FanGraphs is gaining traction as they say, becoming relevant in the larger world. Harold Reynolds invoked the name of Dave Cameron without either party’s head exploding. Vin Scully, baseball’s granddad, uttered the actual Uniform Resource Locator of the site in such a manner that he only kind of sounded like he didn’t know what he was talking about, but no more so than usual.

Dare I say, is it finally cool to read FanGraphs? Would this be something you admit to your friends or slip into your Match.com dating profile? If you feel it is, the below audio is for you. Take the FanGraphs ringtone and blare it loud in concert halls, doctor’s offices, city busses, etc. to show that you are a proud reader.  Have your mom call you on the hour, every hour, until everyone in your immediate surroundings know EXACTLY where you go to get in-depth baseball analysis.

(Please feel free to download liberally for putting in your phone/blasting from your whip.)

Also, for reference:

(h/t to reader The Return of Rambo Diaz for the inspiration)

As someone who has chosen to watch the Astros, I’ve subjected myself to watching a lot of Brett Wallace. This does not bring joy into my life. I find this odd since I always have had a proclivity to players that have last names that could also be first names. I can’t explain this penchant, so don’t ask. I just do. Back off, OK?

To curb my Brett-Wallace induced depression, I did some research to create the all-first-name team, based on FanGraphs WAR. The following were the fruits of the search:

C – Russell Martin (3.9, 3rd among catchers)
1B – Allen Craig (2.3, 9th)
2B – Darwin Barney (0.4, 15th)
SS – Ian Desmond (4.2 ,1st)
3B – Ed Lucas (0.5, 25th)*
OF –  Austin Jackson, (2.8, 17th), Alex Gordon (2.5, 23rd), Jay Bruce (2.5, 24th)
SP – Matt Harvey (5.7, 1st), Cliff Lee (3.1, 19th), Lance Lynn (2.7, 28th)
RP – Addison Reed (1.8, 5th), Joe Nathan (1.6, 12th)

*= As there were no candidates among qualified batters, I had to set a 200 PA minimum to find a third baseman.

OAKLAND — The sports world and entertainment world collided Monday, when the celebrity couple of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie officially claimed infielder Adam Rosales. Jolie, who has a history of adopting children from impoverished nations, reports that she finalized the paperwork this morning.

“It’s always been a priority of mine to save children from dire positions, and those instincts kicked in when I heard about Adam’s situation,” Jolie said in an official statement. “It’s clear that Oakland and Texas, Adam’s two guardians, are not fit to provide him with the support and care that he needs. He needed to be removed from that toxic environment. It’s no different then when I adopted my other children, except that Adam is a 30-year old man. And a millionaire.”

Rosales, who has been the subject of a heated custody battle between the Athletics and Rangers told reporters that he’s just happy to finally have a home.

“I’ve been shuttling back and forth between homes so much recently, I’m not even sure where my stuff is. I think I have nine apartments in my name right now. And I lost track of my car like a week ago. It’s going to be weird to not play baseball anymore, but it sure beats living out of airports.”

Athletics GM Billy Beane, who, in a slight twist of fate, was portrayed by Pitt in the film Moneyball, could not be reached for comment. Rangers GM Jon Daniels did voice his displeasure.

“I really wanted Adam to be a Ranger,” said Daniels. “I mean, not enough to keep him on the roster for longer than, like, a couple days, but the desire was there. Mostly, I just wanted to fuck with Billy, though.”

The above is an animation of Spiderman dancing. This has been a bit of an Internet meme, as many people have noticed that, at least in this particular animation, Spiderman will dance properly to almost any song played. The fine people over at the RadioLab radio program have pointed this out, and offer a scientific explanation. I advise reading the article, but essentially, our brain has a bias for things that are in sync, so we tend to focus on the times Spiderman’s dancing lines up with the music and block out the times it doesn’t. This is why it seems that Spiderman always has mad skilz.

I tasked myself with attempting to apply this logic to the music baseball players use whilst walking to the plate to bat. The following is Spiderman dancing to the at-bat music of the top ten batters in baseball, according to FanGraphs WAR.

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Taft
Short-arms his follow through. Blocks his rotation a bit by keeping his glove hand in his pocket. Too fat.

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This is the title of an empty note I made last night. I’m not sure why I wrote it, or what prompted it. I’m guessing a combination of Scotch whiskey and jet lag contributed, but I can’t quite put my finger on why I actually took the time to write it down, and what I thought I’d get from it. However, as small of a gift as it may be, I will not look it’s presenting horse in the mouth. The following are differences and similarities between Astros first baseman/outfielder/DH Chris Carter, and fictional baseball player Pedro Cerano.

(EDIT: Fine Internet User @KevinBassStache alerted me to the picture, which comes via CSN’s Julia Morales.)

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(Note: This is technically not a GIF, since it’s length prohibits it from GIFation. Please accept my repentance for duping you.)

This past Friday, Marlins starter Jose Fernandez had himself a day. A good day, to be more exact. A very good day, to be even more exact. He fanned 14 over eight innings whilst allowing three hits and a lone walk. He was, as Talking Heads would say, burning down the house. Luckily, said house was Marlins Park, so casualties were low.

Watch (and listen):

(h/t to Jonah Keri for pointing me to the link)