We knew this day would come, fair NotGraphs readers. We knew that some day, Jim Leyland would no longer be the manager of the Detroit Tigers. The Gods of Baseball have spoken, and they have taken away the last of an already-dying breed. Baseball fans and pundits will remember Leyland for being a stalwart of the game, a manager with a good record of performance on the field. We readers and writers of NotGraphs will remember him for more whimsical reasons — the smoking, the cursing, the dancing, etc. If I’m being completely honest, there are no more fun managers left. Clint Hurdle is kind of fun, mostly for the way his face changes hues, but that’s about it.

There have been and will be more opinions flung through hyperspace about who should replace Leyland. Who will fill his sweat- and bunion-residue-filled shoes? Many will make cases for former managers, current bench coaches, and the like. But who will fill the cultural void left by Leyland? Who will lift our spirits and crack our smiles and give us conversational points when speaking with our dads? Who will manage the Tigers of our souls? The following are some possibilities. (warning: some of these have language that may require headphones if you are viewing in a space with coworkers or children) Read the rest of this entry »

The neighborhood play has received some attention as of late. But if you look at that neighborhood … kinda boring right? Let’s spice it up by inserting famous neighborhoods into said neighborhood play. Read the rest of this entry »

At a certain point, it becomes too cumbersome and tedious to try and analyze which team will win a postseason game based solely on numbers. So, let us make our predictions based one which team SOUNDS better. Specifically, which club has a more pleasing team at-bat song. And by team at-bat song, I mean all of the at-bat songs of the starting lineup played at the same time.

I like the Red Sox in this one.

(at-bat music data via Designated Hits)

Yasiel Puig celebrated when two BAR symbols showed up on his slot machine, because it was the closest he had gotten to date.

Yasiel Puig celebrated when he came in second to Adrian Gonzalez in the clubhouse NFL pick-em pool, because Adrian is a cool dude and worked hard on his picks.

Yasiel Puig celebrated when what he thought was a rare coin turned out to be a dirty nickel because, hey — free nickel.

Yasiel Puig celebrated after he wiped out on his BMX bike trying to do a rail slide because he almost nailed it and at least his bike was OK.

Yasiel Puig celebrated after seeing the last episode of LOST, because at least it didn’t get cancelled mid-series.

Yasiel Puig celebrated when he only had to sit in 40 minutes of traffic on the 405, instead of the usual 48.

Yasiel Puig celebrated when he got a nosebleed as a side effect of taking Claritin, because one of the other side effects was jaundice.

You may remember a while back when then-Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel was fired in the midst of a disappointing season. There was a mixture of anger, confusion, and sadness entwined in this event. But fear not, fair NotGraphs reader, as it appears that the Phillies are reaching out and looking to find ‘ol Cholly another job within the ball club. The following are some open posts for which the Phillies are looking to utilize Manuel’s talents.

• Assistant Varmint Wrangler
• Head Varmint Wrangler
• Executive Grandpa
• Associate Historian in Charge of Storytellin’
• Manager – Department of Handshakes that Last too Long
• Christmas Party Santa Claus (part-time)
• Chief Swearing Strategist
• False Teeth Consultant
• Vice President of Belly Laughs
• Lead Beer Taster
• Chief Technology Complainer
• Assistant Director of Community Outreach and General Outrage
• Whirlpool Soiler (contract-only)
• Project Lead – Chitlins
• Napper-in-Residence
• Liaison – Department of Balms and Salves

We here at NotGraphs wish Charlie the best with his transition.

In this edition of Andrew Dice Clay Interprets Baseball Poetry, the Dice Man sets his sights on the famous piece by Franklin Pierce Adams, Baseball’s Sad Lexicon.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’d like to thank you all for attending this roast of the man of the hour, Brian Wilson. This, of course, is not the Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys — the drug-addled man child who famously spent three years of his life in his bed. We’ve managed to find the Brian Wilson that’s somehow easier to make fun of.

I’d like to thank Brian’s pet weasel for coming, though I would have liked it more if it didn’t spend the whole night on top of Brian’s head.

Seriously, Brian, I’ve made deposits in airport toilets that looked better than that thing. Did you fall asleep while using a Flobee or something?

And let’s not forget that beard. When Brian decided he wanted a new look, he thought about it long and hard and concluded that his inspiration should be a middling pro wrestling personality who was featured in that Cyndi Lauper video about girls masturbating.

People think that Brian uses shoe polish to dye his hair and beard, but that’s simply preposterous. He ‘s got money now, so he uses an expensive brand of hair dye called Just For Assholes. It’s the same kind that dude from Fall Out Boy uses.

They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, which is true. If you really get to know Brian, you’ll realize he’s actually a bigger douche nozzle that he appears to be. Which is an accomplishment.

Brian is so annoying to hang out with, that his own ulnar collateral ligament tried to distance itself from him as much as possible. Twice.

The military adopted waterboarding because the old method — having Brian tell prisoners about the best concerts he ever attended — was leading to too many suicides. By the prisoners and the guards.

They call Brian The Beard, a name he adopted because he liked the way it sounded when people called his girlfriend that.

Brian, if you spent as much time on your command as you did on trying to make yourself look interesting, you wouldn’t walk more guys than Francisco Rodriguez.

Giants fans were sad to see Brian go to a rival team, but the people who were saddest to see him leave were San Francisco’s bail bondsmen and magic mushroom dealers.

When you see Brian on TV, the announcers almost always talk about how eccentric he is, but they only say that because they can’t use the word “fuckwad”.

Seriously though, Brian, there’s a rule that we only roast the ones we love. I’m proud to say that we broke that rule tonight.

Please go away, nobody likes you.

(GIF courtesy of @ChadMoriyama)

Sorry for the late notice, fair NotGraphs readers, but if you are in the vicinity of my truck this evening, I’m hosting an impromptu NotGraphs meetup. See, I planned on watching tonight’s Wild Card game at my house on my TV, but I got in a little bit of a tiff with the old ball and chain about a totally misinterpreted text message from her SECOND cousin. Things got out of hand, as it happens.

But, this will not stop me from enjoying what is promising to be a great pitching matchup and an exciting playoff game. And since my schedule has cleared up quite a bit, I figured I’d invite some of my adoring fans to watch as well. Trust me, this is not some sort of needing-to-be-surrounded-by-people-because-I-shouldn’t-be-alone-right-now situations. I’m doing great, you guys.

We won’t have a TV, but I will have Postseason.TV playing on my iPad. It’s an iPad Mini, so things might get a little tight, but it’s really more about the hang, right guys? Also, I’ve run into a bit of a cash flow problem right now. I need to move some money around, and, at the moment, am fairly cash poor. So if you could supply some beverages, that would be great. Make sure to get there early as space is limited, and the shocks on the truck are kind of shot so there’s a weight restriction as well.

When: 7:00 pm CT.

Where: The back of my 2000 Chevy Silverado

Confirmed attendees:

David Temple (NotGraphs/FanGraphs that one time)

My labradoodle Jeff (He’s hypoallergenic and totally chill)

Whatever belongings I could grab before my wife changed the locks.

Just some beers, buds, and baseball. What could be better?

Internet Gentleman and NotGraphs union member Dayn Perry alerted me to the above sequence he most likely captured from his Postseason.TV feed. Since I am a functioning member of society who pays for television, I was watching the glossy, HD-enhanced feed from the Turner Broadcasting System, and did not subject myself to this ugly peek behind the scenes. Nevertheless, the above footage is important in that it 1). Is entertaining and 2.) Allows us to do a good, old-fashioned caption contest. I’ve submitted three ideas below (links will open in new windows, so rest easy).

Idea #1
Idea #2
Idea #3

As I’m sure you have your own ideas, feel free to submit them below. If I really like one, I might even convert it to a GIF, though I do not advise you hold your breath on that.