It turns out that your Daguerreotype of the Evening fits in nicely with one of the most cherished and august of NotGraphs categories. Please regard …

As you can see, this delicious baked good features Rangers frowning supreme exchequer Nolan Ryan in his younger, less jowly days. He is behorsed. He is cocksure. He twice walked more than 200 batters in a season.

The Appreciator will also appreciate that there are plastic horses on the cake. This is a flourish that can rightly be called “delightful.” There are also healthy examples of high-plains flora on the cake. This is flourish that can rightly be called “verisimilitudinous.”

Chris Carpenter, who cusses at everyone all the time more than you’ve cussed at anyone anytime, was at it again last night. His most recent victim? Besides pearl-clutching lip readers everywhere, it seemed that People’s Champion Mike Napoli was the target of Mr. Carpenter’s maledictions. At this point, we must roll tape …

But first, an urgent word of caution: This going to be loud, and this is going to be dirty. So unless you have a pair of Gentleman’s Headphones at the ready or unless your place of work is dedicated to accommodating the whims of the Internetting Gentleman, you should hold off. Again: Loud. Dirty. Forthwith:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Dnj-5KGe4&feature=colike

Well, Mr. Carpenter, I never!

This has not been the work of the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, but it totally should’ve been.

We have a category called “Great Moments in Spectacles.” What follows is a picture of the late, great Dave Ricketts, the man who won the category called “Great Moments in Spectacles”:

This has been Dave Ricketts and his faultless, unequaled spectacles. This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

Last night, the Appreciator of Things no doubt appreciated the valor and excellence of Mr. Derek Holland, thief of hearts. We learned that beneath the wispy curlicue of a Camaro owner’s mustache beats a mighty heart and will. We also learned that excellence is possible despite a subversive rendition of the Pitcher’s Glare. Bear handsome witness:

While Bob Gibson’s glare made you want to quake and Andy Pettitte’s made you feel as though you needed a safe word, Holland’s says to the recipient, “I dunno, man. Maybe after ‘Adult Swim’ is over.” Or, alternatively, “Ah, f*ck it.” Or, more alternatively still, “Hey, dude. Watch this sh*t.”

It is a fact that I am too old and stupid to play Little League, but, lo, how I want to play Little League for Coach Ballgame! Why do I want to play Little League for Coach Ballgame? Because he contains multitudes. Because he is beautiful …

Yes, Coach Ballgame, I have seen “Red Shoe Diaries.” How else may I win your favor?

The Yankees may not have won the World Series, but, as ‘Da Post hastens to remind us, fans of same will kill your face if you happen to be a bloodthirsty, coconuts Pan-Arab despot …

And, as democratic upheavals shake the Middle East down to the bones, it’s worth remembering that Alex Rodriguez remains a big, fat jerk who poops his pants.

This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

While the operating assumption is that most old-tyme base-ballists — at least those born right-wise — all looked like Blast Furnace O’Dwyer, recent curated images suggest this is not the case. In point of fact, some who played alongside the Boileryard Clarkes of our hoary past looked not unlike scaly, foreboding lizard-squires with eyes the size of large eyes. Please click and embiggen for lucky-best evidence!:

No doubt, you’ve heard your grandpappy drone on that “An otherwise blackhearted, upright tautara-man would’ve made that play! You should’ve seen those bleedin’ eyes they had!” Now you’ll know that it wasn’t just the scotch, medications and fast-approaching abyss talking.

(HT: The Internet)

In honor of the 58th birthday of Keith Hernandez — board-certified Magnificent Bastard — I’m re-posting Rob Perri’s objectively perfect short film titled “I’m Keith Hernandez.” I might just make a yearly thing of this, at least until I die gruesomely in the year 2016. Please enjoy!

I’m Keith Hernandez from water&power on Vimeo.

Keith Hernandez is almost certainly not one of the five people you meet in heaven, but that’s only because he’s a real threat to make love to the other four.

If hot success eludes you, then baseball sort-of great Chuck Knoblauch is here to help. How exactly? This is how, exactly:

I have no idea whether the purchase of the above bit of Textile-Based Merchandise entitles the doer of business to a Twitter follow from Mr. Knoblauch, but that’s hardly the point. The point, friends and lovers, is that everyone you meet will be under the impression that baseball sort-of great Chuck Knoblauch follows you on his Twitter computer. As Martin Heidegger once queried, “Who gives a damn shit if what you purport to be true is actually true, baby!” The question is rhetorical, which is why there’s no question mark.

As we’ve told you before, NotGraphs is nothing if not an appointment with the secrets of triumph — lion-hearted triumph at the office, in the gym and in the bedroom. I scarcely need say this, but the same goes for a t-shirt that claims Chuck Knoblauch follows you on Twitter.

You may have noticed that, some time around yesterday, America was roused from its torpor by news of an exciting sports contest. We the people have been charged with adopting the pose, bearing, manner, general milieu, and overarching blessedness of the great Mr. Dick Allen. Suffice it to say, this I could not resist.

First, the inspiration …

And now, the imitation …

I have spoken through photographic art. If you wish not to see that giant novelty check in my clutches, then I suggest you get to work.