The character Doc Wilson proclaims in David Mamet’s 2000 comedy State and Main that “You should never trust anybody who wears a bow tie,” and continues: “Cravat’s supposed to point down to accentuate the genitals. Why’d you wanna trust somebody whose tie points out to accentuate his ears?”
That, along with the above tweet, are the two most notable items in my file folder marked “Rosenthal, Ken.”
Anaphora is a rhetorical device wherein the author begins consecutive lines with the same word or phrase, generally to create a crescendo-like effect.
It can be used to give the impression of writerliness and/or to mount an offensive on the reader’s faith in human potential, as demonstrated by Mitch Albom in his Detroit Free Press article on Justin Verlander’s AL MVP victory, the relevant excerpt of which article you can read here (bold is mine):
And here’s the best part:
He earned it.
He earned it because he went 24-5. He earned it because he owned his starts from June through September. He earned it because he had 250 strikeouts and was as close to a sure thing as you get in sports. He earned it because he rested the next day’s bullpen every time he pitched into the seventh, eighth or ninth.
He earned it because whenever the Tigers slipped on a banana peel, he was there to catch them, breaking possible slumps, keeping climbing opponents at bay.
He earned it because he was dominant. Because he was lights out. Because he threw a no-hitter and threatened a couple more. Because he got stronger as the game went on, relying on placement early and bringing the heat late. Who throws FASTER in the eighth inning? Are you kidding?
As Rob Biertempfel of the Pittsburgh Tribune did earlier today, a number of sportswriters have — in the interest of full disclosure — released their ballots for the various end-of-season awards.
As part of their intrepid work, our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has acquired fictional sportscaster Champ Kind’s ballot for the 2011 National League MVP award, the winner of which will be announced at 2 p.m. today (Tuesday).
“How did you come across the ballot of a fictional person?” perhaps the reader is asking, while perhaps adding: “What this seems like is merely a hollow attempt to attract page views by associating content with a film/character that kills in the age 18-34 demographic.” To which I reply: “Shut your face, reader that I made up who seems to have an unnatural understanding of my worst fears.”
Now, with that out of the way, here’s how Kind voted: 1. Steve Garvey / 2. Steve Garvey / 3. Steve Garvey / 4. Rod Stewart’s Unbridled Libido / 5. Erotic Fondue / 6. Steve Garvey / 7. Steve Garvey / 8. Musk, the scent / 9. Steve Garvey / 10. Ryan Braun
It goes without saying that one cannot put a price on laughter.
The price of NotGraphs’ first Baseball Reference sponsorship, however, is two dollars annually.
Late Seattle prospect Greg Halman’s death is no more or less significant than all the other deaths today — certainly not to the families and loved ones of all the other respective deceased. However, owing to the startling circumstances under which Halman’s death occurred — and to the fact that Halman was a baseball player — it’s only natural that some readers of NotGraphs will feel the pang of mortality more strongly this morning than on others.
If that is the case, might I humbly submit that you add the following fragment by Greek philosopher Epicurus to your reflections. It’s from his Vatican Sayings, and part of a collected works that can be read in a short afternoon.
Vatican Sayings, No. 14 (tr. C. Bailey):
We are born once and cannot be born twice, but for all time must be no more. But you, who are not master of tomorrow, postpone your happiness: life is wasted in procrastination and each one of us dies without allowing himself leisure.
Here’s a non-exhaustive list of the rhetorical fallacies committed by Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy in his most recent piece, in which he argues that the Red Sox are a “doofus organization” — which list is accompanied by a photo of an almost amused E.B. White. [Reference: Aaron, LB Brief (4th ed).]
• Begging the question
• Non sequitur
• Red herring
• Appeal to emotion
• Bandwagon
• Ad populum
• Hasty generalizations
• Sweeping generalizations
• Reductive fallacy
• Post hoc fallacy
• Either/or fallacy
New Cubs manager Dale Sveum claims that his nickname, Nuts, has “nothing to do with [his] lower half” — from which information the only obvious conclusion is that Sveum’s anatomy is constructed differently than the typical male of the species’.
David Wright offers both products and services.
To the saberist’s eye, Alden Gonzalez’s claim (at the Mets official site) that “David Wright offers the Mets more than mere statistics” might sound like the sort of anecdotal analysis to which baseball fans are routinely subject.
However, after some serious investigative reporting, our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has learned today that the third baseman actually really does provide more than baseball production.
Here are some of the services we’ve verified that Wright offers:
• A thorough visual inspection.
• An expansive network.
• An integrated approach to meet your individual needs.
• Counseling and/or assistance in creating a plan.
• Customized, sophisticated analytics that help clients gain hindsight, insight, and foresight.
Apropos of nothing, here are three team names that are still unused at any level of baseball, accompanied by some suitable hometowns and likely mascots.
Team Name: Badly Wounded Stab Victim Hawks
Possible Locations: Cities with Crime and Hospitals
Mascot: A Supine, Blood-Soaked, and Half-Conscious Stab Victim
Team Name: Devastated Local Economy Bats
Possible Locations: Merced, CA; Cape Coral, FL; Michigan, The Whole Thing
Mascot: An Overzealous Loan Officer
Team Name: Scary Alcoholic Uncle Hounds
Possible Locations: Northern New Jersey, Middle New Jersey, Southern New Jersey
Mascot: Mickey Rourke
Apropos of nothing, except the author’s own interior examinations, here are some brief and confidently worded remarks on the best and worst months of the year from the point of view of a baseballing enthusiast.
If, at any point, the reader should find himself doubting the veracity of the following remarks, he (i.e. the reader) should draw his attention to how confidently worded they (i.e. the remarks) are and find himself duly staid by same. Should that fail to instill due reverence, then he (i.e. the same reader) should contemplate the embedded image of the Grand Canyon and allow himself to be awed duly by it — or, at least, by the idea of the Grand Canyon — and to retain that sense of awe while entering the following.
Now, those brief remarks, briefly.
The Worst: October
Whoever said “‘Tis better to have loved and lost / Than never to have loved at all” was misled — first of all, because the “whoever” in question is Alfred Lord Tennyson (i.e. a person that basically everyone agrees was really misled), but also, second, because we very clearly learn from the world’s most successful ethical models that the largest threat to sustained happiness is the excitement of the passions.
