The Kansas City Royals called for a right-handed relief pitcher during their September 6th game against the Texas Rangers. Drama is what ensued.

The following tweet is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original (click to embiggen):

There’s a thing that Mark Reynolds intended to do with his bat, and then he did that thing.

Now, Mark Reynolds has no more use for his bat.

Of the four humours, phlegm is decidedly the least distressing to see on the outside part of one’s body. However, for the individual producing sufficient quantities of it — like, because of a common cold, I mean — filling one’s role as a capable member of society (or at a charming Internet Destination called NotGraphs) can be made more difficult. The author has found himself in just such a quandary, it appears.

So, question: how ought the author to conduct his affairs today?

One good thing is how Didi Gregorius is making his major-league debut at shortstop for the Reds in less than an hour. Another good thing is how Wily Peralta is making his first major-league start in Miami at 7:05pm ET.

So far as constraints are concerned, any proposals should account for the fact that the author will be largely confined to his couch. Also note, please, that all suggestions of an autoerotic nature will receive a stern and Mutomboesque wag of the finger from the author and the author’s handlers.

Right-hander Jeurys Familia, 22, was ranked third overall among Mets prospects by Marc Hulet before the season. Tonight — which is to say, like, five minutes ago — he made his major-league debut, striking out Lance Berkman with a 97 mph fastball on a 3-2 count in the eighth inning of the Mets’ game against the Cardinals.

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Here’s an image — following Jason Bay’s first-inning grand slam during last night’s Mets-Marlins game — an image of right-handed pitcher Chris Young next to the aforementioned Bay, a regular-sized person (click to embiggen):

Reports out of Los Angeles suggest that life, in fact, isn’t all rainbows. Rather, it appears to be — tonight, at least — both rainbows and human legend Vin Scully.

To wit:

Image purloined surreptitiously from Whitney Holtzman.

At the end of the first Back to the Future, Doc Brown returns to 1985 for the purpose of bringing Marty and Jennifer — for reasons too obvious to acknowledge — bringing them back to the year 2015. Moments later, Marty notes that there isn’t enough road in the Lyon Estates subdivision to accelerate to 88 mph (i.e. the speed at which the time-traveling DeLorean needs to reach to initiate time travel). To which comment Doc Brown replies, “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Doc Brown’s sentiments ring true for the present post, as well — except, instead of “roads,” what Doc Brown would say is “any actual reason” and, instead of “where we’re going,” he’d say “apropos Action Footage of young Mets right-hander Matt Harvey striking out Laynce Nix on a 99 mph fastball.”

Here’s the aforementioned fastball:

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The author, a high school senior in 1998, was one of the few second basemen consistently DH’d for in the Greater Boston area’s Independent School League.

Image largely stolen from ESPN’s Mark Simon.

All things considered — or just, like, one thing considered — Marlins right-hander Josh Johnson had rather a poor game Saturday night (box). He pitched only three innings, for example, but conceded two homers. And also ten hits, he allowed. And also six runs.

Another thing that happened in the game was very newly acquired first baseman Adrian Gonzalez hit a home run in his inaugural Dodger plate appearance. And Andre Ethier went 4-for-4. And Clayton Kershaw struck out — as he does — struck out over a quarter of the batters he faced.

All of which is to suggest that there’s no shortage of readymade narratives for Saturday night’s Dodger victory over the Marlins. And yet, for those right-thinking readers whose main concern is to isolate moments of breathless and conspicuous genius, the story of the game might very well be Josh Johnson’s first-inning slider to Hanley Ramirez.

This first-inning slider, in fact: