Astros Designate Storey For Assignment bit.ly/XAXoVl #mlb

— MLB Trade Rumors (@mlbtraderumors) December 17, 2012

For the second or maybe fifth time this offseason, right-handed reliever Mickey Storey was designated for assignment by one or another team — in this case, to create room on Houston’s 40-man roster for newly signed first baseman Carlos Pena.

It’s understandable from the Astros’ perspective, but it’s a bit of the tough break for Storey, who posted a 2.99 SIERA and 99 xFIP- in 30.1 innings this season for Houston.

In point of fact, there are a number of stories that probably ought to be DFA’d before Storey himself. Here are three very strong candidates, for instance.

1. Mickey Blue Eyes, Dir. Kelly Makin
Makin actually appears to have directed some Kids in the Hall episodes — so his oeuvre has some decidedly high points, as well — but this Hugh Grant vehicle, in which said Englishman marries into a mafia family, represents the only film ever to compel the easily entertained author to leave a theater.

2. Ulysses, James Joyce
True fact: in certain countries, reading Ulysses is a form of state-mandated punishment. Or, I mean, it probably is. Who can really tell, right?

3. Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler
The German state of Bavaria has copyright ownership of Hitler’s autobiographical screed for about three more years, and they’re using the opportunity to publish a final, authoritative edition of the text to reveal not simply the extent of evil present therein, but also how poorly written and laborious the book is.

The flag of Metropolitan Toronto flies politely over the region.

As FanGraphs managing editor Dave Cameron noted over the weekend, the Blue Jays’ acquisition of right-hander R.A. Dickey is merely the latest in a series of aggressive, but reasoned, offseason maneuvers that have positioned the club as a legitimate contender in the usually competitive AL East.

Now, the Blue Jays’ marketing department is tasked with spreading the word about what promises to be an exciting season for Toronto. However, as the five following proposed slogans — acquired by our very secretive Investigative Reporting Investigation Team — as they indicate, it is not necessarily within the Canadian nature to brag or boast or otherwise champion one’s own virtues.

To wit:

1. Come Out and Watch Us — Unless You Already Have Plans, No Problem!

2. We’ll Win a Lot — But Not by an Unsporting Amount, Don’t Worry!

3. You’ll Enjoy This Team — Not That We Presume to Know Your Tastes!

4. What a Great Team — Although, All the Teams Are Great in Their Own Way!

5. Let’s Go, Toronto — And All Other Area Municipalities, Too, Like Halton!

Presented without comment — except this particular comment.

Also, this one: clicken to embiggen.

I just had a dream that a sea turtle bit my finger off. I’m not sure what that means. But I think it’s good luck

— ChuckNazty (@Chuck_Nazty) December 13, 2012

“Via science” is probably an optimistic description of how the author proposes to interpret Charlie Blackmon’s dream with a turtle in it. “Interpret,” itself, is also not quite accurate.

“By copying down entries from The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Dream Symbols (ed. Klaus Vollmar) that belongs to the author’s wife — and then allowing the reader to reach his or her own conclusions”: indeed, this is much more precise.

Here, for the benefit of the readership, are five entries relevant to Charlie Blackmon’s dream of late — reproduced in the exact order in which they were referenced by the present author.

Turtle/Tortoise: Hiding behind a character trait (according to Wilhelm Reich). Patience, wisdom; or hiding something essential.

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“Whither Dayn Perry?” America asks in unison.

Listeners of FanGraphs Audio will know — and not-listeners of FanGraphs Audio will be dressed down verbally beside all America’s office water coolers for not knowing — that frequent guest and 24-hour patriot Dayn Perry has made a habit, on that program, of referring to his fighting fists as “soup bones.” Among those upon whom Perry has threatened violence by way of soup bone are right-handed pitcher Roy Oswalt, FanGraphs writer Jeff Sullivan, and (if the author is remembering correctly) “all cowards.”

What concerned reader and U.S. ambassador to LOLs Les Carter has found, then, is of some note. In the photo here, submitted by same concerned reader, what we find are soup bones. What we don’t find, however, is Dayn Perry attached to one or the other end of those soup bones.

What we have here, reader, is a plot that’s thickening. At one point, there wasn’t a plot. And then there was a plot, but it was pretty thin by plot-standards. But now that same plot is thickening, like I say. After that, at this rate, it might become turgid. There might be a turgid plot in all out futures, is the point of this post.

The following tweet is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original (click to embiggen):

Greinke said “loved it” in Milwaukee.But money always talks. Always.

— Tom (@Haudricourt) December 11, 2012

As noted by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel’s Tom Haudricourt on Tuesday in some number of characters fewer than 140, Zack Greinke’s decision to sign with the Los Angeles Dodgers — despite whatever affections the right-hander might have had for Milwaukee — was likely influenced by the giant, giant contract available to him from the coffers of that West Coast team. “Money talks,” Haudricourt writes starkly.

“What does it say, though?” the present author wondered idly — and then, owing to how he’s contractually obligated to produce content on a daily basis, imagined (poorly) in the style of a David Foster Wallace story.

As a concept, mostly. Trying to locate the actual physical me would be pretty difficult. Impossible, maybe? I don’t know. There’s an idea of me, only. An idea corroborated by the Federal Reserve, foreign exchanges, etc. Not only is it complicated, but I also explain it poorly.

Q.

He only just signed, of course, so I haven’t been distributed into his accounts — nor the accounts of his employer, even, the Dodgers. Nor, so long as we’re following the chain of supply backwards, the account of the Dodgers’ contractual partner, News Corp., from whom the bulk of me will come — so far as I understand, I mean. Ticket sales and merchandising, of course. That, too. I’m all over the place, really.

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Please allow me to review ESPN’s Top 100 base ball players.

— Old Hoss Radbourn (@OldHossRadbourn) December 11, 2012

Readers who have found their way to this corner of the internet clearly possess both (a) discriminating literary tastes and (b) the exact perfect amount of free time. Also, they’re helping to pay my salary. Congratulations on all accounts.

Having said that, readers should now find their respective ways to another part of the internet — specifically, the one with Old Hoss Radbourn’s Twitter account on it. There, from the shadowy beyond, Old Hoss is currently reviewing ESPN’s ranking of baseball’s top-100 players ever.

For example:

#80: C. Gehringer. A worthy inclusion. Stole the 1937 MVP award from an Italian. Good man and fine patriot.

— Old Hoss Radbourn (@OldHossRadbourn) December 11, 2012

New Phillies third baseman Michael Young gets acquainted with his new hometown.

Shortly after trading a pair of minor-league pitchers to acquire Michael Young from Texas, Philadelphia Phillies GM Ruben Amaro said of the club’s new starting third baseman that he (i.e. Young) has what the Phillies need.

“And what is that, precisely?” the present author was inclined to ask aloud, in the silence of his (i.e. the author’s) small Midwestern apartment. “What do, or did, the Phillies need?”

“These types of things,” the author presumed (by way of deduction) Ruben Amaro would answer, before continuing as follows.

A Human Person
“A robot, or some sort of half-man, half-machine situation — if not expressly banned by the rules of baseball — is at least frowned upon pretty hard. What the Phillies don’t need is to be frowned upon. Michael Young, as a human person, helps us achieve that goal.”

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