A Brief Interview with Zack Greinke’s Money

As noted by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel’s Tom Haudricourt on Tuesday in some number of characters fewer than 140, Zack Greinke’s decision to sign with the Los Angeles Dodgers — despite whatever affections the right-hander might have had for Milwaukee — was likely influenced by the giant, giant contract available to him from the coffers of that West Coast team. “Money talks,” Haudricourt writes starkly.

“What does it say, though?” the present author wondered idly — and then, owing to how he’s contractually obligated to produce content on a daily basis, imagined (poorly) in the style of a David Foster Wallace story.


As a concept, mostly. Trying to locate the actual physical me would be pretty difficult. Impossible, maybe? I don’t know. There’s an idea of me, only. An idea corroborated by the Federal Reserve, foreign exchanges, etc. Not only is it complicated, but I also explain it poorly.


He only just signed, of course, so I haven’t been distributed into his accounts — nor the accounts of his employer, even, the Dodgers. Nor, so long as we’re following the chain of supply backwards, the account of the Dodgers’ contractual partner, News Corp., from whom the bulk of me will come — so far as I understand, I mean. Ticket sales and merchandising, of course. That, too. I’m all over the place, really.


Happiness? I’m not so naive as to expect that — nor is Greinke, I’ll assume. We haven’t become particularly well acquainted yet, as I say. But happiness? Not specifically that. I’ll facilitate the acquistion of goods and services, as per usual. Goods, like real estate. Services, like excellent medical care. To the degree that goods and services cultivate happiness, that’s how I’ll assist Greinke in that regard.


I assume. It’s pretty easy to be cynical about athletes’ charitable donations or foundations, right? I don’t know Greinke’s intentions so far as that’s concerned, but one assumes that some portion of me will be allocated to philanthropy of some sort. It’s a win-win. Maybe a win-win-win. Three wins? Is that possible?




Sure, no problem.

Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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