The following was hastily crafted and designed poorly and is only relevant for about an hour following its publication. Other than that, though, it has been time and energy well allocated by the author.
FREE hot chocolate and coffee for fans at tonight’s game!!!
— Minnesota Twins (@Twins) April 12, 2013
As the tweet embedded here suggests, the Minnesota Twins — owing to the frigid weather hovering above their home ballpark — will be giving away free coffee and hot chocolate to attendees at tonight’s game versus the New York Mets.
What that same tweet neglects to note, however, are some other things that (a) are free, and which might (b) also appeal to ticketholders for this evening’s contest.
Like these three things, for example:
North–Central American English
Are you a professional linguist? Have you ever referred to yourself, in passing, as an “Armchair phonologist”? Are you interested in studying an /oʊ/ sound that is sometimes monophthongal and sometimes features a lengthening from [o] to [o:]? If that’s the case, consider attending tonight’s Minnesota Twins game, where the North–Central American English dialect will be ubiquitous — and free of charge.
Regardless of how drowsy he gets, the reader would do well
to avoid sleeping on Cleveland right-hander Carlos Carrasco.
Earlier today at RotoGraphs, Mike Podhorzer advised the teeming masses not to sleep on Cleveland right-hander Carlos Carrasco.
Sound advice, that — nor is Carrasco the only player with regard to whom said advice is relevant. There are number of other players upon whom we shouldn’t be sleeping.
A number a lot like seven, for example:
Dan Uggla
A relatively even surface is ideal for sleeping. Uggla, meanwhile, is composed almost entirely of biceps that bulge out all over his body. Not conducive at all for healthy sleeping practices. Don’t sleep on Dan Uggla.
Previously, in these pages, the author has celebrated the virtues of Pittsburgh right-handed prospect Phil Irwin’s curveball (like here and here, for example).
To say, for the author, that watching Irwin’s curveball is akin to climbing the rope in gym class is nearly an accurate statement. Indeed, for the author, watching Irwin’s curve is like climbing the rope in gym class — but only if also accompanied by the certain knowledge that the untoward and menacing Tim Sprague, a ninth-grader who has gym at the same time and is wont to harass the author without compunction, is tied up with a second length of rope, so as to render him harmless while the author climbs the aforementioned gym-class rope.
All of which is to say, below are three animated GIFs of Irwin’s curveball (all strikes looking) from his first and most recent start for Triple-A Indianapolis (box).
Like this first-inning one to Toledo DH John Lindsey:
Not long ago, in these hallowed fucking pages, the author documented for the benefit of the readership the bat-flipping exploits of Dodgers outfield prospect Yasiel Puig.
As the footage embedded here suggests — from a YouTube video of Puig’s first home run with the Double-A Chattanooga Lookouts — Puig has altered his bat-flipping practices by approximately zero percent since the publication of that aforementioned post.
The image embedded here is not, in fact, a screencap of an actual Wikipedia entry, but rather a fictional entry the author himself has spent 45 aimless minutes crafting for reasons that — upon reflection — might only make sense to someone wearing pajama pants and drinking deeply from a bottle of Trader Joe’s-brand tawny port in his living room-cum-home office.
Accomplished German filmmaker Werner Herzog is not a baseball fan, per se. He is, however, a particularly astute observer of the human condition — which qualification lends to his thoughts on the cruel beauty of Matt Harvey’s slider a real and certain credibility.
There are a number of mysteries in this life. Like what scabies are, for one. And if they’re just a combination of scabs and rabies, for another one.
Something that was never a mystery — to Kansas City first baseman Willie Aikens, at least — was whether his fly ball against Philadelphia’s Dickie Noles in Game Five of the 1980 World Series would be a home run.
“This prophecy Merlin shall make, for I live before his time,” Aikens seems to say while laying down his bat — if not necessarily in those same words or meter or even language.
Miami right-hander and 20-year-old Cuban emigre Jose Fernandez has, just seconds before the composition of these very words, finished his first inning as a major-league pitcher, retiring the New York Mets on three consecutive fly-ball outs (box).
And by virtue of this post, reader, you will be able to tell your grandchildren when you’re much older and much less useful than right now: “I was there, a long time ago, when Carson Cistulli made the first GIF of Jose Fernandez’ first pitch.”
Will you cry? Yes, a little. But only because of your sciatica. Because you will develop terrible sciatica, it seems.
The first game-action video of Aaron Gleeman has recently emerged on the internet, as the noted blogger continues his remarkably under-reported transition from writing about to actually playing major-league baseball.
Here’s a brief scouting report on Gleeman’s main tools based entirely on the five seconds of footage embedded here.
Hitting: Extreme opposite-field approach. Like, exclusively.
