While examining the animated GIF embedded here of Elvis Andrus first homering and then, second, lazily tossing aside his bat, one is confronted by three facts, as follow:

1. Firstly, that it is not uncommon for base-and-ball traditionalists to suggest that it is incumbent upon each player, when he has homered, to “act like he’s been there before”; but also that

2. Noted pre-Socratic philosopher and pretty sad mec Heraclitus famously announced that “one can never step into the same river twice”; and finally that

3. Prior to his home run this evening, Elvis Andrus had recorded precisely zero of those (i.e. home runs) this season.

Confronted by these facts, is what one is.
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Credit to concerned citizen of the internet Ben Hudson for bringing this to the author’s attention.

Unlike elusive proto-vigilante and 1930s radio star The Shadow, who took some pride, it seems, in acquainting himself with the sort of evils that lurk in the hearts of men, the present author takes pains expressly to avoid such intimate knowledge of the public and its constituent members. As such, that same author has no idea — doesn’t want to know — to what sordid ends the reader might use the audio below of former major-leaguer and current MLB Network personality Harold Reynolds saying aloud the name of FanGraphs managing editor Dave Cameron.

That said, the tenets of a free and open society necessarily dictate that this sort of information be made available, lest tyrants tyrannize the people tyrannically — which is what would happen were those same people not afforded access to the following audio of former major-leaguer and current MLB Network personality Harold Reynolds saying aloud the name of FanGraphs managing editor Dave Cameron.

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While decidedly less fast than a speeding bullet, sportscaster Brian Kenny absolutely graduated magna cum laude from New York Tech in 1985 and even maybe attended St. John’s, although Wikipedia would like a citation so far as that’s concerned.

Despite having considerably less power than a locomotive, sportscaster Brian Kenny has ably anchored several notable television baseball programs, including (most recently) Clubhouse Confidential and MLB Now.

Is Brian Kenny able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? No, it’s ridiculous to even think so. But he won an Emmy in 2003, which is more than most people are doing with their absurd, tiny lives.

Tonight, we use the internet as it was intended to be used: to elicit page views by means of as little work as possible — in this case, by means of publishing footage of Cleveland right-hander Danny Salazar’s split changeup.

Like this one to Prince Fielder in the second inning:

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@bsankr Michael Young for a potted plant, who hangs up first?

— Mike Petriello (@mike_petriello) July 15, 2013

Sandy Alderson accidentally butt-dials Rick Hahn while watching Glengarry Glen Ross at home. When he answers, Hahn overhears Alec Baldwin’s excellent “coffee is for closers” speech, which he’s always really liked. Who hangs up first?

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With regard to Carson Cistulli, a certain (and, for the moment, unnamed) Edward Jones representative knows two things — namely, that he (i.e. Carson Cistulli) is (a) not “cash rich” and also (b) a baseball writer of some kind.

With regard to the latter of those two points, the author presents here a lightly edited transcript of a recent phone conversation between himself and the aforementioned Edward Jones representative.

Author: Hello?

Broker: Carson, hi. It’s [name redacted] from Edward Jones.

Author: Oh, hello.

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How and/or why the author has acquired an edition of Expos Magazine from April of 1991 is beyond the scope of the current post. What’s entirely within its scope, however, is the following collection of French phrases found inside the aforementioned periodical — phrases of use in any occasion, as one can see!

One
Ivan Calderon: l’élevage des coqs son passe-tempe préféré.
Ivan Calderon: his hobby is raising roosters.

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I wouldn’t work in the office, I would go to the office. And then I would sit down in front of my computer and challenge the internet not to bore me for one more day. It’s all I would do. “Okay, Mozilla Firefox, I dare you.” And within twenty minutes I’d be looking at a Google image search of the world’s largest omelette and I would say, “Good job. Fair enough.”

-Kyle Kinane, Death of the Party

Were the author to account for and make a record of every moment of his life, that would become unbearable almost immediately. It would likely also reveal that most of his day — and no little portion of his night, as well — is spent in a perpetual, unthinking quest for fleeting and minor amusements.

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No less an authority than Wikipedia, a free and electronic encyclopedia of some renown, informs us that an existential crisis might result from any of the following conditions:

• The sense of being alone and isolated in the world;
• A new-found grasp or appreciation of one’s mortality;
• Believing that one’s life has no purpose or external meaning;
• Searching for the meaning of life;
• Awareness of one’s freedom and the consequences of accepting or rejecting that freedom; and
• An extremely pleasurable or hurtful experience that leaves one seeking meaning.

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White Sox infield prospect Marcus Semien has been one of the minor leagues’ most impressive hitters in July, recording walk and strikeout rates of 23.1% and 9.4%, respectively, and seven home runs in 117 plate appearances while also slashing .356/.504/.700 (.347 BABIP) and stealing five bases on six attempts — all as a 22-year-old in Double-A.

The video embedded here features footage of Semien from a recent Southern League game paired with audio from comedian John Mulaney’s most recent special, New in Town. It should be noted that this particular game is unusual in that it’s one of the few of late in which Semien has failed to homer — as he did, it appears, tonight (Tuesday).