Owing to how they’re merely a collection of binary code made visible to the human eye by some combination of interlinked hypertext documents and the microprocessor within the reader’s own computer, the two GIFs here of Masahiro Tanaka striking out Ben Revere yesterday by way of his first glorious stateside splitter are not technically edible.
According to the actual “rules” of “baseball,” any single home run technically only produces a quantity of runs equal to the number of players already on base plus one. According to that part of the human body, however, responsible for the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine into the brain, certain home runs are manifestly worth more, others less, in terms of aesthetic value.
This true truth having been established, one might readily conclude that, owing to how his whole life is in front of him and to how his levers are longer than a Terrence Malick film, that Gregory Polanco’s home run this afternoon against the Yankees’ David Phelps is not unlike a grand slam or maybe two grand slams.
Stolen without shame from this video of Bob Uecker’s 2011 speaking appearance at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, the animated GIF embedded here documents many of Uecker’s entrances on the Tonight Show — and, more pressingly, the assorted vestments with which Uecker willingly chose to adorn himself.
Each day this week, the author is recounting notable home runs he’s conceded during his life as a nearly decent baseball pitcher at various levels.
Previous Installments: One / Two
Date: March, 1998
Level: High School (Preseason)
Place: Lake Bonny Park in Lakeland, FL (Link)
I am both (a) almost certainly plagiarizing the work of another, more talented author, but also at least (b) appealing to capital-T Truth, when I note at the outset of this brief post that, during the career of a young ballplayer, there are moments when he is compelled, against his will probably, to acknowledge that he’s unlikely ever to become an older ballplayer — or, at least not the sort of older ballplayer who’s compensated for his virtues afield. “This is not for you,” the facts of reality conspire to announce gravely. “Time to re-evaluate your options, probably.”
It’s not for the present author to say whether the reader should or shouldn’t click upon, and therefore embiggen, the image embedded above. What such a reader would find upon so doing, however, is a lightly annotated version of tomorrow’s (Wednesday’s) MLB.TV schedule — which schedule reveals that, indeed, three spring-training games are available for consumption by the capital-P People.
Among the players expected to appear, for example: the very curious Trevor Bauer (for Cleveland) and very promising Joc Pederson (for the Los Angeles Nationals) and not actually that Italian Tony Cingrani (for Cincinnati).
Each day this week, the author is recounting notable home runs he’s conceded during his life as a nearly decent baseball pitcher at various levels. Read the first installment here.
Date: June, 1993
Level: Prep League (13-year-old Babe Ruth)
Place: Rollins Park in Concord, NH (Link)
Frequently it’s been the case in my adult life that people have mistaken me for longtime reliever and Dominican Republic native Octavio Dotel. “Excuse me, but are you Octavio Dotel?” people will often ask me, for example, on the streets of this or that American city. Or “Mr. Dotel,” they’ll say, catching up to me as I finish my afternoon jog, “could you please sign this baseball I happened to be carrying for some reason that I don’t even know?”
Each day this week, the author is recounting notable home runs he’s conceded during his life as a nearly decent baseball pitcher at various levels.
Date: May, 1990
Level: Little League
Place: Sanel Field in Concord, NH (Link)
Like a liar, is how I’ll begin this series of brief anecdotes — owing, I mean, to how this particular one (i.e. this anecdote) doesn’t concern an actual, but only a would-be, home run. Sue me, is what anyone offended by this is invited to do.
See: Cameron, Dave. “The Worst Transactions of the 2014 Off-Season.” Web log post. FanGraphs. N.p., 21 Feb. 2014. Web. 21 Feb. 2014.
Scenes like this one always appealed to Tyler Smith.
SCHENECTADY — A man eager with anticipation for the start of spring training baseball games in Arizona and Florida — but also simultaneously demonstrating signs of gustatory hallucination — is probably having a stroke, according to those present.
The following tweet, which concerns a real and not fake statement made by Brewers manager Ron Roenicke with regard to outfielder Ryan Braun, is entirely and in-no-way altered from the original (click to embiggen):
