Maybe it’s because Jonah Keri has recently joined FanGraphs, and Mr. Keri has a well-documented relationship with our canine friends, but, if the algorithm used by our advertisers is at all indicative of our readership, then there’s only one possible conclusion to draw from the image above — namely, that dogs are super into FanGraphs.

If that screenshot is too subtle for you, allow me to draw your attention to the relevant portion of the page. Here:

“That doesn’t prove anything,” you’re probably saying. “That ad is probably just intended for dog owners.”

Right. Of course. That was my initial reaction, too — until I noted that the ad in question appears just below a banner reading “Yard Barker.” At that point I found it difficult to look past all the obvious signs.

In any case, allow this post to serve as recognition of all our dog readers. You guys are going yeoman’s work out there. Keep bringing it.

Today, in our attempt to canonize the game’s most important figures, we remember four lives.

Note, please, that (a) all of today’s players were actually born February 12th but also that (b) this is wholly in compliance with theological law, which states that, and I quote, “All saints’ lives occurring on a weekend day shall be celebrated on the first business day directly proceeding said weekend.”

So, it’s totally legal, is what I mean to suggest.

Now, today’s lives:

Your older brother
totally got with the hottest possible woman,
but, by most accounts, yours was the more enviable life.
We’ll never forget your spectacles —
all meanings intended!

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Readers and critics of late American novelist David Foster Wallace will be thrilled to learn that somehow, someway, SB Nation’s DRaysBay has acquired a previously unheard-of manuscript by that same, great author.

It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure-type novel and has been penned under the pseudonym CBJones, but, owing to the scope of the plot and sheer resonance of the prose, it’s very clearly the work of DFW.

Enjoy it at your own risk by clicking here. And listen to me, please, when I say, “Don’t order The Special!”

With the recent news that the Boston Red Sox — owners of one of baseball’s more progressive front offices — have signed 17-year-old Kiwi softball-ist Te Wara Bishop, one is forced to wonder: What other inefficiencies might clubs attempt to exploit in their efforts to evaluate, acquire, and develop talent?

Here are some possible avenues for consideration from NotGraphs’ Highly Reputable and Totally Real Think Tank:

1. Elderly People and/or Babies
Sabermetric researchers have become increasingly interested in identifying the peak years for offensive production and, more broadly, the relationship between aging and performance in general. But the problem is that these studies are typically limited to players aged 20 to 40 or so (as the image above indicates). Hel-lo! There are, like, a whole bunch of different ages besides those! Like 57, for example. Or 9, or 81. And that’s just off the top of my head.

2. Not Wearing Pants
Color commentators take pains to note the degree to which a base-stealing threat, when on first, can distract a pitcher from the task at hand — that is, making quality pitches to the batter. What’d probably distract the pitcher way more, though, is if the batter in question just wasn’t wearing any pants — had nothing, in fact, on the entire bottom half of his body. Who has the dangle now, hm, Tim McCarver?!?

3. Hotter and More Bumpin’ Walk-Up Music
Cameron Maybin is a legitimate five-tool player and former 10th-overall pick in the draft, but has posted a slash-line of just .246/.313/.380 (86 wRC+) in 610 major-league plate appearances. The reason? Possibly it’s the case that Maybin just hasn’t, and/or won’t ever, adjust to major-league pitching. More likely, though, is that his walk-up music is “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus. Hopefully, San Diego GM Jed Hoyer has taken steps to change this.

4. Bloodletting
It’s so crazy, it just might work.

5. Carson Cistulli
Not for nothing has Carson Cistulli referred to himself alternately as “the greatest mind of this, and probably every other, generation” and also “a preternaturally talented evaluator of baseball, uh, talent.” Front offices of baseball: what are you waiting for? (Seriously: email me at ccistulli@yahoo.com and prepare to get your blank blanked.)

Image courtesy MGL at THT.

If the reader has somehow found him- or herself under the impression that I would halt these awkward attempts to combine baseball with the feast-day tradition of Orthodox Christianity, then the reader is tragically mistaken.

Today we celebrate three lives, as follow.

Every league is a beer league to you, oh Brian Daubach!
Hear our prayer!

You hit 41 home runs with Milwaukee in 1980,
and yet studies show that even you
have never heard of yourself.
Whatever the opposite of hype is,
don’t believe it!

You’re one of the few players in history
to punch reporters on two separate occasions —
which is only once more than the number of times
you punched a train conductor.
Regardez, everyone: it is 19th-century man!

As the image above ought to communicate instantly, Twitter-user and sportswriting watchdog Alex Walsh has stumbled upon something veeeeeeeery curious, indeed.

So far as I can see, there are three — and only three — possible explanations for the trend that Walsh has identified:

1. Coincidence. FanGraphs authors just happen to be writing same story.

Possiblity? Unlikely!

2. Thievery. FanGraphs authors are plagiarizing Neyer’s ideas as soon as he produces them.

Possibility? Reasonable.

3. Conspiracy. Have you ever seen Rob Neyer and Jonah Keri and Joe Pawlikowski and Dave Cameron and Matt Klaassen and Chris Cwik and Jack Moore and Patrick Newman and Matthew Carruth and Eno Sarris and Dave Allen in the same room*? I didn’t think so. Why? Because they’re all the same person, is why.

Possibility? Almost definite!

*Note: You actually CAN see a bunch of these guys in the same room by attending FanGraphs Live in Arizona.

Today, we raise our cups (and/or licorice candies) and commemorate solemnly three lives.

Hear our prayers, oh unnamed and unnameable!

Lenny Dykstra!
You don’t appear to’ve figured out
the finer points of civilian life,
have, in fact, been dispossessed
of your business ventures, all known assets,
and, it would seem, most of your dignity.
But you were also the sort of person
whom people felt compelled to address as “Nails”
and memorably announced that you would “stick it”
to great left-hander Steve Carlton.
You have taught us unknown lessons!

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What sort of friend would I be if I didn’t inform you that another season’s worth of MLB.TV is now available in exchange for American currency.

Just by looking at the landing screen (which you can see in fullest glory by opening the image above in a new window), it appears as though the “Premium” option is the best value. Also, it has three extra checkmarks below it and all of those checkmarks are bigger.

If you don’t have $120 to afford the Premium option, might I suggest asking your parents? Or maybe like a wealthy aunt or something? Because that’s what I’d do.

Yesterday, in these pages, I proposed that, as is common practice for important figures in the Eastern Orthodox Church, that it might be appropriate to adopt “feast days” for baseball players who are important to the history of this honored game.

Today, we feast in the name of five players, as follows (each with accompanying prayer):

1. Vladimir Guerrero

Vlad!
You’ve taught us that not only is it impossible
to walk off the island, but also to walk
out of Montreal, Orange County, and the Dallas Metro area!
Hear our prayer!

2. Mookie Wilson

Mookie!
Somehow you’re both uncle to and stepfather of
former major-leaguer Preston Wilson.
Also, your name is Mookie.
Let’s celebrate our differences!

3. John Kruk

John Kruk!
You’ve demonstrated, via your six years on Baseball Tonight,
that some, if not all, things are better left unsaid.

4. Vic Wertz

Vic Wertz!
You hit the ball that Willie Mays famously caught
and then died suddenly while working as a beer distributor.
Not on the same day.

5. Tex Hughson

Tex Hughson!
You’re from a generation
that had some important ideas
about what to call a man.
Hallowed be thy nickname!

Though I’m not part of it, an aspect of the Eastern Orthodox Church that I admire particularly is their tradition of feast days for saints. Nor is this a pastime reserved merely for the big-time stars of the Bible, but one designed to preserve and observe the lives of minor church figures, as well.

For example, locating the appropriate page at the website for the Orthodox Church of America, we find that, today, Orthodox followers remember, among others, the Great martyr Theodore Stratelates (a.k.a. “The General”).

The briefest research reveals that Theodore was not only “endowed with many talents, and was handsome in appearance” but that he was also

arrested and subjected to fierce and refined torture. He was dragged on the ground, beaten with iron rods, had his body pierced with sharp spikes, was burned with fire, and his eyes were plucked out. Finally, he was crucified.

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