Earlier this afternoon, the present author published a ca. 1900-word screed at popular internet website FanGraphs designed ostensibly to examine a kind of baseball prospect that appears particularly immune to failure but intended secretly to herald relatively unheralded San Diego shortstop prospect Jace Peterson.
The graph presented above — which depicts all the pitches at which A.J. Pierzynski offered during yesterday’s (Wednesday’s) game at Baltimore — is unexceptional insofar as swinging at baseball pitches is, like, one of A.J. Pierzynski’s main responsibilities as a sporting professional. “The undersigned,” one imagines Pierzynski’s contract reading, “agrees, in exchange for $8.25 million, predominantly to swing at and also to catch baseball pitches.”
What is exceptional, however, is the graph above considered in context of the graph below — which graph depicts all of the pitches at which Pierzynski didn’t offer on Wednesday.
OAKLAND — When Derek Norris took his place behind home plate on Wednesday, he did so not merely as a member of the Oakland A’s, but also as a representative of a different group — namely, the United States’ small but real population of feral adult humans. While certain ballplayers have acknowledged their true identities following retirement, Norris is the first to have revealed his secret while still active.
Note: Tuesday night’s meeting of the Society has been postponed to 3:35pm ET on Wednesday, because capital-N Nature is flawed.
The Purpose of This Post
The purpose of this post is to announce a meeting — in this case, at 10:05pm ET tonight (Tuesday) — of the Corey Kluber Society.
Terry Francona probably won’t murder anyone this year.
Yesterday, in the electronic pages of FanGraphs, managing editor Dave Cameron published a post entitled Five Things I Believe About the 2014 Season, in which piece he shares five ideas concerning the recently started campaign.
What follows is a similar piece by the present author, except without all the carefully considered arguments and relevant evidence.
1. I don’t believe that the Miami Marlins are actually a team of secret operatives posing as a major-league baseball club, but actually attempting to infiltrate the largest drug cartel on the Eastern seaboard.
I don’t believe it. That said, it has certain merits as a working theory for that club’s difficulties.
The author, whose loving mother is talking at him without cease even as he writes these words, won’t belabor the point — which point is that the very excellent Jose Fernandez just threw a curveball to strike out the also very excellent Troy Tulowitzki.
Here’s, for example, one slow-motion GIF of that curveball:
On more than one occasion last spring, the present author published in these electronic pages a love letter from deep within his own self to Pittsburgh minor-leaguer Phil Irwin’s curveball — making note of that pitch’s “wild eroticism,” for example, or its capacity to provoke religious experience.
One of these men is the literary heir to Andre Breton and Tristan Tzara.
It has recently come to the attention of the present site that one of the major leagues’ 30 organizations has within its employ — for reasons that aren’t immediately clear, but remain entirely praiseworthy — has a scout who submits reports of a distinctly whimsical nature.
While not at liberty to reveal the identity either of that scout or the organization to which he belongs, there are indications that the work of that scout, however surreal, exerts some influence over the organization’s decision-making.
What follows, exclusive to this site and thanks to the generosity of the unnamed orgnizations are brief excerpts from reports that this Dadaist Scout has filed within recent years — all of them (i.e. all the excerpts) relating specifically, in this case, to the sound certain players produce when the ball comes off their bat.
The Sound off Miguel Cabrera’s Bat
Is like a weedwacker committing patricide.
Earlier on Thursday, the Cleveland Indians announced via Twitter that they would reward the fan who could most ably document his or her enthusiasm for the club with two opening-day tickets for Progressive Field’s so-called Social Suite. (Approximate retail value: $348.06.)
The official rules for the contest are decidedly robust, both in terms of Legal Verbiage and Capitalized Nouns. Here’s a mostly relevant excerpt, however:
The object of the Contest is to create and post an original photo showcasing your Tribe Town pride (the “Entry“). You must post your Entry via a public tweet as directed by @Indians (the “Club Account“), and include the hashtag #TribeTown (the “Hashtag“) in accordance with these Official Rules to be eligible. Staff members of Cleveland Indians Baseball Co. LP (the “Judges” or “Sponsor“) will select the most compelling Entry in accordance with these Official Rules and based upon criteria set forth in the Judging section below to determine the Winner.
Generally speaking, this is the sort of thing at which the present author — whose entire person is refined and mannered — might consider snubbing his nose. “Let the common people fight over the scraps,” I’ve maybe said aloud once regarding this sort of public relations effort. “Allow them to conduct their affairs like some manner of cog in some manner of machine,” I’ve maybe proclaimed in a cartoonishly patrician and entirely affected accent, not unlike the one utilized by late cartoonish patrician William F. Buckley
Recently, in these electronic pages, the author drove significantly more traffic than usual by means of a post alerting the public to five ballcaps of great merit available (at that time) on internet auction house eBay.com. What follows represents a nakedly desperate attempt to re-create that rare success.
To wit:
Montreal Expos 20th Anniversary Hat (Link)
Style: Snapback
Time Left: 28 days, 23 hours
Cost: US $25.00 (Buy It Now)
Some will argue that beauty is subjective. Ancient mathematician Euclid, who explored in some depth the idea of the Golden Ratio, would argue that those people are super wrong. What else he’d probably argue is that, among all the ballcaps currently available on eBay, this vintage and white Expos one is manifestly the most appealing. Of note for potential buyers: there’s no indication from the relevant auction page whether Jonah Keri is or isn’t included in the purchase price.
