Those amongst the readership who’re both (a) comfortable with advanced metrics and (b) facile with the Twitters, are perhaps aware that Buster Olney is not entirely convinced of the Power and Glory of WAR. While our Full-Time Cancer Destroyer, Dave Cameron, addressed some of Olney’s concerns back in the beginning of August, Olney dedicated some portion of his AM on Friday to WAR-related handwringing.

While I don’t claim to understand the urgency behind Olney’s Inquisition-in-Miniature, I’m also positive that there’s more than one way to skin the cat called Being a Fine Person — a cat that Olney appears to skin more often than not. For let us not forget, reader, that even though Olney cares little for our particular brand of nerdery, that he is also not above sustaining reasonably-toned dialogues with people who have willingly (one expects) adopted the Twitter handle Sex Cauldron. This represents a sort of benevolence of which the present author is largely incapable — and I, as you will know, am neither (a) on TV nor (b) an expert in anything beyond my own personal weaknesses.

Please believe me, reader, when I say, first of all, that I’m nowhere near as old as — and considerably less bedraggled than — my colleague Dayn Perry. Please believe me also, though, when I say that, as a 31-year-old man, I’ve learned some things in this life — some things that I’d like very much to pass on, just as men Dayn’s age, before their respective and uniformly disturbing deaths, have passed on to me.

It’s for this reason that it warmed the cockles of my heart today to receive a tweet from Will, a UTK freshman and (it would seem) Pieter Bruegel enthusiast. Will is looking for an explanation as regards the image you see embedded above. Let’s see if Uncle Carson can’t satisfy Will’s curiosity!

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It has recently come to the author’s attention that, rather than producing actual content, it might be preferable to pass judgment on other people’s content, and then to assemble those judgments into one easily digestible rankings list.

In this edition of Lists and Rankings, we continue our furious pursuit of the Lowest Common Denominator — namely, this time, by reproducing below the day’s headlines which might most easily be conceived as having sexual undertones. Note how the author has included one or two lines’ worth of pithy commentary, lest you find yourself under the impression that absolutely zero effort was expended in the creation of this bloggiest of blog posts. Note also the hilarious use of the words reproducing and conceived in the first sentence of this paragraph.

10. San Francisco Giants: Blah Blah Blah Playoff Push, Bleacher Report
Not a Salt-n-Pepa song, turns out.

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Everyone who’s anyone knows that photo essays are preferable to real-live essays, on account of they (i.e. photo essays) demand considerably less of both the writer and reader.

It’s with that in mind that we present this, a photo essay of Brandon Allen’s upper-deck home run (video) at Yankee Stadium from Tuesday night.

1. Brandon Allen faces, and makes loud contact off of, one of the few players in the league with a larger body mass than himself.

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Curiously, much of Dick Allen’s original scouting report is written in Greek.

Over at NY Baseball Digest, the keeper of that site, Mike Silva, has shared with the reader three photos he took from a recent sojourn to the Baseball Hall of Fame — photos, specifically, of three original scouting reports on three excellent baseball players.

It’s a coincidence that, shortly after noon today, the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team itself came into possession of a similar item — namely, an original scouting report of Dick Allen.

Curiously, the report is devoid of the sort of language one might expect. There are no comments, for example, regarding Allen’s arm strength or his speed on the basepaths.

Instead we find these somewhat cryptic, barely relevant, notes:

• “Never suckled at his mother’s breast and instead was fed the innards of lions, wild swine, and bear marrow.”
• “Anointed in ambrosia and put on top of a fire to burn away mortal parts of body.”
• “μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην, ἣ μυρί’ Ἀχαιοῖς ἄλγε’ ἔθηκεν.”

One will often hear comments about the degree to which a camera can distort the objects of its gaze — this is what people mean, for example, when they say the camera “adds 10 pounds.”

In no case is this more clear than in the case of the above screenshot — taken from last night’s contest between San Diego and San Francisco. In said image, Padre outfielder/first baseman Kyle Blanks, facing Giant right-hander Matt Cain, looks, for all intents and purposes, like a normal-sized person.

In fact, Blanks is not a normal-sized person. That he appears to be one is clearly a trick of perspective.

To get a sense of what I mean, consider all the things that are directly behind, but totally obscured, by Blanks:

• All known works by Italian painter Tintoretto.
• Like seven or eight Arbyses, probably.
• The Golden Gate Bridge.
• A sexy cheerleading squad.
• Dayn Perry’s ego.

While not technically a mathematical proof, this is the sort of thing after which one generally says something like “Q.E.D.” Which, consider that my final thought on the matter.

To date, Phillies right fielder Hunter Pence has mostly distinguished himself for his ability to hit and catch and throw a baseball. On account of he does all these things pretty well, it would be bad form to begrudge him a lack of expertise in a second field.

And yet, it appears as though this is the exact thing upon which Mr. Pence has designs. For what other reason, I ask the reader, would CNN have cited Pence in their preliminary report on this afternoon’s earthquake along the Eastern Seaboard — an area populated by some 100 million people, many of them, no doubt, with degrees in journalism?

If you answered “No discernible one” you’re quite likely right. If you answered, “Because their early coverage of the ‘quake was strangely baseball-centric,” that might be correct, too: one of the other sources cited by CNN was Tribe Insider, the official Twitter feed of the Cleveland Indians.

Apropos rumors that the earthquake was a result of this afternoon’s giant and shocking trade between the Blue Jays and Diamondbacks, NotGraphs is unable to confirm or deny same.

H/T devoted reader, commenter, and (one imagines) spirited layabout Yirmiyahu.

The footage you see here comes to us courtesy (a) the eighth inning of Sunday’s Giants-Astros game and (b) Houston left fielder J.D. Martinez’s Arm of Wonder.

If we presume that the above represents a battle of sorts between the aforementioned Martinez and the natural force Gravity, then we must also presume that Gravity will want a rematch at some point so’s to even the proverbial score.

As I noted last week in a FanGraphs post aimed both at the heart and the head, Baseball America recently released its Best Tools issue. For those who possess an unhealthy fascination with the hairless youths that populate minor-league baseball, the Best Tools issue represents an opportunity to learn which of those youths precisely owns the best power or best defense or best fastball in each respective league — and in the major leagues, too.

The problem, of course, is that the majority of BA’s readership is concerned with things like “facts” — which (i.e. facts), while interesting for a period, eventually begin to pall.

We at NotGraphs are concerned not with facts — what legendary filmmaker and frightening dinner companion Werner Herzog refers to as the “accountant’s truth” — but rather ecstatic truth. That is, the truth that ought to be true.

Thus, we thusly present the following: a hastily assembled, and totally unsupported, list of the “tools” most relevant to the ordinary fan, just sitting at home on his couch, thinking unkempt thoughts about Sofia Vergara and liniment.

Note that all dissent will fall on deaf ears — or, at least, the one deaf ear that the author sustained during a swimming accident as a 7-year-old. The same author will gladly accept any and all notes, however — especially if it allows him (read: me) to squeeze another short post out of this thinnest of pretenses.

To the truth, in no order whatsoever:

Best Mustache/Beard Situation: Travis Snider

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As I’m sure the well-bred reader will concur, insolent behavior is not a thing to praised in and of itself. While, of course, there’s a time and a place for strong words and stronger deeds (after midnight and at a gentlemen’s club, respectively), it is generally best for the aristocrat to maintain a healthy respect for propriety.

Occasionally, however, the opportunity presents itself for a true and beautiful act of finely crafted insubordination. Man among men Grant Brisbee reminded the present author of just such an opportunity via a recent internet weblog post at Baseball Nation — namely, the occasion of Ichiro Suzuki’s first-ever ejection from a professional baseball game.

The footage you see here is from that same game, which took place in Toronto’s Rogers Centre back in September of 2009. After being called out looking by umpire Brian Runge, the always composed Ichiro! — rather than enter into any sort of verbal contretemps with Runge — opted instead for a bit of the Meaningful Gesture, noting with his bat the precise trajectory at which the ball traveled into the catcher’s mitt.

While Runge ejected Ichiro immediately, it’s clear who won both the battle and the war.