Our exploration of phrases common to sport, particularly to baseball, continues today with the concept of the “high five.”
An oft-used method of celebration, the high five has copious worldly (i.e. imperfect) iterations, but for this series, I have settled for no less than the Platonic Form High Five — once again brought to us by that most delightful of baseballing cherubs, Manny Ramirez.
Enjoy!
The only way to High Five.
For no apparent reason, Werner Herzog, icon of depressive existentialist cinema, recently sat down and discussed America’s pastime with Hall of Fame shortstop Ozzie Smith. In particular, they discussed baseball strategy, fundamentals, and the grueling experience of being a baseball fan, season after season.
In case you missed the conversation, here’s a choice Herzogian nugget:
“Ozzie always says [playing baseball is] full of erotic elements. I don’t see it so much erotic for the fan. I see it more full of obscenity. It makes a person vile and base. I wouldn’t see anything erotical in the stands or the living rooms. I would see fornication with delusion and asphyxiation and choking and fighting to believe in a losing team, I would see hope growing and then just rotting away.
I had the privilege of galavanting around Chicago on Tuesday night with Carson Cistulli and Dayn Perry — two men who are grotesquely affectionate towards each other. After imbibing at a local dive — wherein I performed a twenty-minute bowel movement — we hailed a cab, which almost didn’t pick us up due to the fact that Mr. Perry was attempting to engage Mr. Cistulli’s groin in a boxing match on the sidewalk.
A cab not unlike the one we took.
Upon entering the cab, the cabbie conveyed that we would be his last ride before he went to join a friend for some hard-earned sliders-and-buckets-of-beers. “You work hard, you play hard. But you have to earn some money. Some people want to be handed everything. But if you work hard, you earn some money, then you can drink whatever you want.”
To which Mr. Cistulli tellingly responded, “What if you neither work nor play hard?”
Here is Ozzie Smith, doing what he did — i.e. turning all balls hit within 40 feet of him into outs.
As Mike Axisa pointed out yesterday, Johan Santana is not very happy with his situation right now. He’s coming back from injury, he wants to throw, and in fact is throwing in the bullpen against the wishes of Mets management, who haven’t allowed him to pitch in a Grapefruit League game yet.
But the real scoop is being, ah, scooped by the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, and that scoop is about Johan Santana’s Gatorade Towel, which the star pitcher recently jammed into a fence link and forgot about while he crossed his arms in selfishness.
Johan Santana’s Towel looks on as Johan Santana pouts.
Former MLB shortstop and current manager of the Águilas Cibaeñas of the Dominican Winter League, Felix Fermin, is going to eat your entrails in a second, but right now he is putting on this baseball cap.
Felix Fermeeeeeeeeeeeeen!!!!!!
Felix Fermin has two big strong hands, which are capable of incredible dexterity; you are seeing this dexterity in action presently as he puts this cap directly onto his head without crushing said cap. In a second, though, just as soon as Felix Fermin is comfortable with how this cap rests on his head, he’s going to use those hands to pull your outer flesh apart in order to gain access to your delicious entrails. Yes, Felix Fermin is convinced that your entrails are delicious and he is happy to see you have arrived, fresh and jiggling and alive.
Charlie Hough does what he pleases, people.
If Charlie Hough were a dandy fop, he would keep handy a dainty kerchief at all times, with which to wipe his brow or nose with victorian decorum. Charlie Hough does no such thing, puritan!
This doesn’t really need any introduction…
Manny thought he was doing a good job. He put his body on the line. He went all in. Such was Manny’s career afield. It is like he never understood what a baseball glove was.
It is not unlike the time you approached that attractive person at that brewpub, began to compliment that person’s eyes, then realized that person was blind, then tried to sneak away. We wish we had the resources to make GIFs of your life, too, but we will have to settle for Manny Being Manny.
All its readers know: FanGraphs is large and contains multitudes. NotGraphs is one of those multitudes.
Now, another one of those multitudes is FangRafs: images of players named Rafael (or “Raf,” for short) with fangs. FangRafs. Which, if one is inebriated or southern enough, may be pronounced in a way that is indiscernible from “FanGraphs.”
So, put on a garlic turtleneck, and behold.
I’ll be taking time in the next few weeks to illustrate, via advanced and computerized “GIF” files — i.e. I will be taking the time to GIF-ustrate — some common baseballing phrases. I will then inject these advanced and computerized files into this website using an internet so you can view them using another similar-but-entirely-different internet. Enjoy my files but stay off my internet!
First installment:
