Cubs color man Jim Deshaies called it the “best mustache in the majors.”

Objections?

(Below, the naked, uncut version of this clip.)
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A bat in the stands–

–now wrapped in leathery hands.

The secret vinegar murky in Canadian veins,
Something wicked has thawed from winter pains.
A raspy, throaty call, an elk in the distance?
Or the beast of silent knife falls?
The bat is yours. Swim three rows deep of Maple leaf
and rip it from this king’s claws,

or let it be.

A thousand thank yous to this unpronounceable man.

Known and worthy sabermetric Lewie Pollis recently conffessed to an .067 batting average and a .533 on-base percentage. His numbers reminded me so piercingly of my own .000/.380/.000 slash (15+ steals) from grad school and my adult amateur league that I began to wonder: What kind of slash would a team — a fast-pitch, adult amateur team — comprised solely of NotGraphs writers, readers, and trolls post?

So, in the form below, please do kindly post your best guess for your career baseball slash — preferably high school through college through adult amateur leagues. No softball, please. Even I can hit a softball.

Other NotGraphs Bold Predictions:
Jeremy Blachman’s 10 Bold Predictions for 2013

1. On April 15th, Giancarlo Stanton will hit a line drive deep off the green walls of the Marlin’s godawful-green home park. Instead of reaching third on a gimme triple, he will stop at second base. With both feet on the cushy white bag, he will face the cameras. In full zoom, the cameras will catch him mouthing, “Oh! Life has a wretched banality and the clock’s rhythm is more steady than the heart’s. Even if I was on third base, ain’t no one but me could drive me home anyway.”

2. On April 5th, Pirates outfielder Andrew McCutchen will smash a line drive to left that pulverizes a dove mid-flight, about 15 feet above third base. Vin Scully will ejaculate: “HOLY BIRD-F**KS!!!” The phrase will later be engraved on both his Hall of Fame busts.

3. Ben Zobrist will do everything and then do it all again because he did everything the first time without making any outs. National writers will again suspect the Rays are trying to trade him for Howie Kendrick and that the Rays wish he would stop moving around the field, playing all those positions and so forth.

4. The Houston Astros will win the AL West after actual, cosmic asteroids utterly destroy American’s western seaboard. And after the Rangers underachieve expectations.
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You and I are

bound by self-same objectives,
one can assume.

Our flight: From MDW to PHX by way of OKC.
“Can I raise this?”
Yes you may.
An armrest between two broad-shoulders
is more a barrier than a rest
anyway,
and since this is the only
time our arms will ever touch,
why not let them press together, two hams
resting flank against flank for one
hour and forty-five minutes.

And in two days, at an A’s / White Sox game,
I will describe your gas
to interested friends.

This is our only interaction
and unless I am
in OKC or you are
in MDW
and again we somehow twain for another
hour and forty-five minutes,
or maybe side-by-
flank at an A’s / White Sox game,

this will be our last.
Fare thee well.

Image credit.

Play this music:

Watch this GIF:

NOTE: If’n you look upon those barely-beclothed dancing women of the above-embeded musical video, I must here remind you these fair ladies are — most likely — your mother’s age, if not older. In fact, one may even be your very mother. Unless you are the rare elder statesman of NotGraphs.

Such is the majesty and mystery of time.

So you thought you could go first-to-third on yet another Yuniesky Betancourt Super Error ©? So you thought maybe the world had tilted its freckled hand in your favor? So you thought that limp toss had some divine timing? You think it was an accident?

Guess again.

‘CAUSE YOU JUST GOT YUNI’D.

What can I compare Mike Petriello to? He is finer than a summer’s a day, a dew-crested tulip, or a big ol’ ziplock bag of melted chocolate. He is even finer than these things because no chocolate, flower, or Earthly rotation has enGIF’d MLB footage for me at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday morning.

Behold: A movie regarding a Honus Wagner baseball card. Be also hold: The most epic score of any baseball card movie you will ever belisten:

Which brings us to the next, most impressive question: WHY ARE WE NOT MAKING SUPER AWESOME RETRO CARDS?! And moreover: WHEN WILL ALL THE GIFS I MADE APPRECIATE IN VALUE?

Here is my first entry into the New T206 line. Consider Heyward, Jason:

See as well:
“The $220,000 Baseball Card”
“The Feast of Wagner, Patron Saint of Interior Flight”

Glove slap to my man Will Smith (no relation).

Regard the theatrical release:

Regard, below the jump, the director’s cut:
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You may have come here expecting to see perhaps one of Carson Cistulli’s studious studies of a Cameron-on-Clubhouse-Confidential, complete with Blink+ statistics and Frog Mouth annotations, but this is an emergency; we here at NotGraphs are in a State of Emergency. A metaphysical Mississippi.

Last night, this image hit our servers and it hit our servers hard:

Needless to say, the 2003 Dell Inspiron 5150 laptop that wholly runs NotGraphs melted inside its frame when this cellphone-daguerreotype appeared. Yes, that is FanGraphs editor in chief Dave Cameron, a-wheelin’ and a-dealin’, a-gamblin’ and a-wrastlin’ with the WAR cards — or something.

Actually, I’m not tooooooootally 100% clear on what this is supposed to be promoting, but perhaps through the magic of science we can enhance the image and see better the intention. Consider this slightly less worst version and attempt to understand the purpose here; gaze into his world-weary eyes; study his oddly pink hand and acceptably-coiffed haired; what is the answer to the mystery?; why have you brought us here, Dave Cameron?; is the journey, perhaps, the destination?

Regardez-vouz:

What are you trying to tell us, Dave?! Do you want me to pick a card? Or are you just exhibiting the necessary motions to finish your taxing shift aboard this gambling ship we call a blogger’s life? Does the next card spell out our future? We can’t understand you!!!