The author had occasion Sunday — during the Milwaukee Brewers’ On Deck fanfest event — to ask occasionally mustachioed and always Canadian John Axford three questions of considerable import. Below is an audio record of Axford’s answers — and a more or less accurate transcript of same.
Regard, audio of nearly reasonable quality:
And also regard, mostly accurate transcript:
Q. You’re going to be on the Canadian WBC roster. You throw three pitches. What are those pitches — what’s their speed in kilometers per hour?
A. Well, let’s see. The fastball would be approaching 150. Maybe a little bit over 150. And the other ones… I don’t know. It’s a little tougher to convert the low-80s into kilometers. I’d say it’d be closer to 130 or 120.
Q. Now, listen. You, being an important Canadian person, I’ll assume that your privy to some information that I’m not. Is there any truth to the rumors, John Axford, that Ryan Gosling — Canadian actor Ryan Gosling — was genetically engineered by top Canadian scientists to steal American women and bring them back to your country?
A. I’ve heard this. I’ve heard the reports. But I’m unsure of the truthiness behind it. I would prefer not to think that. I’d prefer to think that we could breed our own to be that incredibly gorgeous, and we can just steal the Americans on our own.
Q. You have had a pretty excellent mustache at times. Also, your general manager, Doug Melvin, has a pretty excellent mustache. Was there any tension ever between your mustache and his? Maybe, like, which one was going to be the Alpha Stache?
A. I don’t really think so. I think he knows that his stache — it’s been there for good. It’s been the same, business-like upper-lip sweater that it has been for the last many, many years. And mine’s gone through its phases. It’s changed…. Maybe that’s a part of intimidation. He’s had his for so long that I don’t feel like I deserve to have the same kind of mustache style. Or for as long as his. So I just mix it up when I can. I think it’s probably subconsciously… [I’m] staying away the best I can.
Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.