Ask NotGraphs (#12)

Dear NotGraphs,

Diehard Chicago White Sox fan here. I met this hottie at a college party last semester – we’ll call her Amanda. Amanda seemed like a nice enough girl at first. We hooked up, went on a few dates and before long, we officially became a couple. Everything seemed to be going well, that is, until I found out Amanda had a dirty little secret. She was a Cubs fan.

Not only was she a Cubs fan – she was the kind of Cubs fan who didn’t know anything about the team (other than they had a “hot” second baseman). I know my family and friends would never approve of our inter-franchise relationship. I’ve managed to hide her problem from the guys for now, but baseball season is about to start and I can’t keep dancing around the issue. What should I do?

Thanks,
Pale Hosed

Dear Hosed,

“[S]he was the kind of Cubs fan who didn’t know anything about the team.”

Guess what? SHE’S NOT A CUBS FAN. She’s not a fan at all. If all it takes is a “hot” second baseman to gain her allegiance, you just need to find some “hot” White Sox player (or do a little Photoshop– like she’ll ever figure out that Adam Dunn doesn’t actually look ‘just like George Clooney’?) and there you go.

Non-fans who think they’re fans need support and reassurance that it’s okay to make the switch. See, they don’t really care about the team they’re claiming to root for. If they really cared, they would know something about the team, they would watch the games, they would have some actual interest. Getting a non-fan to change allegiances is far easier than turning someone who has some emotional investment. She needs reasons to love the Sox, whatever they are. She needs stories from your childhood about that first Sox game you saw, when you caught that foul ball, and your grandfather bought you a hot dog, and you pledged at that moment you would always root for Ron Kittle and Lamarr Hoyt. She needs to know all about the tremendous charitable work done by John Danks and Gavin Floyd. Do they really do charitable work? I have no idea. But you can make up stories. Tug at the heartstrings. Tell her Paul Konerko’s dog is sick, and needs more Sox fans to root for his recovery. I don’t know. Be creative. Take her to a game. Convince her A.J. Pierzynski is winking at her. Make her feel special. Make her feel like the Sox are special. And before you know it, she’s all about their “hot” designated hitter and who cares about the Cubs second baseman? (Darwin Barney, right? Your girlfriend has a crush on Darwin Barney? I guess he’s OK, but he’s obviously no Adam Dunn. Commenters, vote in the comments and we’ll see who wins– Adam Dunn or Darwin Barney. This kind of thing is what NotGraphs is for, right?)

HOT OR NOT?

VS.

Good luck,
Jeremy

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