Health can be confusing! Sometimes you feel healthy when you’re actually not, and other times you don’t feel healthy and your body actually is but your brain is betraying you by saying it isn’t. Even though your brain is part of your body, which makes it even more confusing. And that’s not even including the pineal gland, which houses our soul and regulates our sleep patterns. I mean, yikes, right? That’s why I, Dr. Mitch Williams, M.D., am here to answer your questions about healthiness.
Q: I’m a college pitcher, and after my last start my arm was feeling sore. What should I do? Do I just wait, or is there a way to speed up the healing process?
A: Pain is jut your body telling you that it’s disappointed in you. The key to overcoming pain is to repeat the motion that caused the pain, and doing it harder, and more suddenly than you did before. This stretches out the muscle cells and allows life-giving aether to enter the nuclei. This makes them stretchier, which in turn lets you throw harder and more suddenly than you could before. It’s like a cycle of success!
Q: My coach tells me I need to get in shape, but I can’t afford a gym membership. Running on pavement hurts my shins, but I’m afraid if I run in grass I’ll slip and hurt myself. What do I do?
A: Stop running! Running is just teaching your body that it’s okay to flee from your problems. You need to make yourself into a brick wall, so that life’s problems bounce off of you like raindrops. If you have a friend with a T-shirt cannon, have him fire T-shirts at your body over and over until you toughen up. If you don’t have a T-shirt cannon, blindfold yourself and ask a tween to punch you in random places. Don’t forget to wear a cup.
Q: As a minor leaguer with poor union representation, how do I ensure that the supplements I use are legal by MLB rules?
A: Let me ask you a question. Is what you’re eating an egg? If the answer is yes, then you’ve got nothing to worry about. If you aren’t eating an egg, you’re missing out on nature’s natural health supplement. Eggs contain cholesterol, which binds with itself to form actual muscle fibers, and whites, which contain some of the water you and I need to live! They’re really easy to carry around, too.
Q: Does it help a bruise when you rub dirt on it?
A: Bruises are actually burns caused by the red blood cells that rush to a part of your body when it gets hit hard enough. That’s why your skin looks so red, or even purple if the burn is hot enough. Dirt, which is actually the decomposed meat of earthworms, is a natural source of menthol. Science is really incredible when you think about it!
Do you have your own questions for me, Dr. Mitch Williams, M.D.? Send them to the NotGraphs Hotline today!
Patrick Dubuque is a wastrel and a general layabout. Many of the sites he has written for are now dead. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.