Angry Korean Gorilla Plays Baseball, Confuses Me

Belovéd, yesterday Craig Calcaterra, of Hardball Talk, foretold of the coming of a cinematic experience so singularly important that it dwarfs any of the petty and mundane concerns that make up our lives. When this film, Mr. Go, arrives from South Korea upon the shores of these here United States, we are compelled to drop everything and greet it with the awe and reverence it will clearly deserve. And yet, I am confused by so much in the following trailer:

0:02 Where are those children running in to the circus from? Why is there a circus in a barren post-apocolyptic wasteland? Isn’t that the worst place to set up a circus?

0:05 What kind of neglectful parent leaves their infant daughter alone with a fucking 900 lbs. gorilla? Why are we celebrating this?

0:12 What the hell, girl, you use a whip on your gorilla? I thought you guys were friends. You’re lucky he hasn’t eaten your ass.

0:22 I don’t understand whether that building collapsed on the gorilla, the gorilla collapsed the building, he’s rescuing people like Superman did on the oil rig in Man of Steel or what. I just know that seems like shoddy building construction.

0:30 If I spoke Korean, I would probably understand why that gorilla is getting off a plane and walking toward the happiest man I have ever seen.

0:32 Gorillas at press conferences. It’s like these people never saw King Kong and don’t know what an inherently terrible idea that is.

0:34 Wait, you’re keeping the 900 lbs. gorilla in a 10’x10’ glass cage with a  3’x3’ square of grass? No wonder he looks sad at 0:39 and angry for every other part of the movie.

0:41 I’m not sure why she’s juggling or what she’s juggling with. Is that one of the old Charlie Finley baseballs?

0:43 How do you get up to the top of the stadium to dance on it? Isn’t that almost as dangerous as leaving your infant with a gorilla? I don’t see any safety lines up there. What if there’s a strong breeze? Who’s that other guy? Do they stay up there all day and into the night? Maybe they’re stuck.

0:49 Why is the girl in uniform? What position does she play?

0:51 Music change, tonal shift.

0:52 That’s a pretty shitty batting stance. Also, I think the gorilla changed sizes.

0:54 Hey blue, you do not want to yell at the gorilla.

1:11 Korean mangers wear suits in the dugouts??

1:16 The gorilla is on the Pablo Sandoval workout plan.

1:22 Chasing and shooting at the gorilla from a helicopter on the stadium rooftop is not a good way for this team to protect its investment.

1:25 Something horrible is happening, seemingly during the game. Again, do you really want to be shooting out of a helicopter around a stadium full of innocent bystanders, and make the gorilla more agitated?

1:28 Prince Fielder home run celebration or Incredible Hulk-style ground-pound?

1:30 Wait, is that guy just diving out of a skybox? This is a movie in which a 15 year old girl and her gorilla sign with a Korean baseball team and somehow get chased by a helicopter, and somehow the craziest fucking thing in the trailer is that guy.

1:33 The gorilla pitches too? Is he the reverse Babe Ruth? I’m told by the stalwart and reliable Mike Petriello that the Korean Baseball Organization has a designated hitter rule. So…WTF?

1:35 Where are they driving to?

1:36 What’s the gorilla going to do when it gets to the end of that giant scoreboard thing?

1:37 GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

1:38 Oh, she’s the first base coach? Is she the only one who can tell the gorilla what to do? And if so, what happens with the third base coach?

1:40 Wow, there’s a second gorilla? Crazy plot twist.

1:42 Why are you jumping off the scoreboard like that? Is this some kind of gorilla suicide? The first half of your trailer led me to believe this was a fun movie about a gorilla who plays baseball. I’m so confused.

1:44 Angry gorilla.

1:46 Did you have to make it in 3D? Come on.

3D or no, I will see this movie. And I will report back to you.