Amphetamines Suspended for Not Working So Well Anymore

The amphetamines Chris Davis has been taking were suspended on Friday by the National Amphetamine Association. The drugs issued the following statement:

Well, shoot, we don’t really know what happened. Clearly .196 with 173 strikeouts was not the plan. We could point the finger at Chris for his workout regimen or being unable to lay off the high fastball but, at the end of the day, we have to absorb much of the blame. I don’t know if this was a bad batch, we’d expired, he wasn’t storing us properly… or maybe we just can’t do as much as like to think we can. Mostly we just want to apologize, because we know we’ve let so many people down. The fans, who want to see home runs. The Orioles, who want to win games. And of course Chris himself, who trusted us to improve his performance… and look at what we did. To Chris, we deeply apologize and hope you can forgive and give us one more chance. We will be waiting in your locker, hopeful, when you return.