All 30 MLB Teams’ Offseasons [So Far] Summarized in 5 Words or Less

Arizona Diamondbacks: What is a Didi Gregorius?

Atlanta Braves: Perfect BJ

Baltimore Orioles: McLouth’d!

Boston Red Sox: Fear of Commitment

Chicago Cubs: Binders Full of Bargains

Chicago White Sox: Three Years of Jeff Keppinger

Cincinnati Reds: She Is That Shin-Soo Choo

Cleveland Indians: Bauer Power

Colorado Rockies: Treading Water Fowler

Detroit Tigers: You Can Ring My Anibal

Houston Astros: Slow Cooking w/ Carlos Peña

Kansas City Royals: Process’d!

Los Angeles Angels: Ham Surprise

Los Angeles Dodgers: Merry Greinkemas

Miami Marlins: Fuck you.

Milwaukee Brewers: N/A

The Minnesota Twins and Too Many Centerfielders

New York Mets: Dickey-less, but all-Wright.

New York Yankees: Yin(Youk)-Yang(Ichiro)

Oakland Athletics: Billy Beane Is Sexy

Philadelphia Phillies: Not So Young Anymore

Pittsburgh Pirates: Russell on a Hot Grilli

San Diego Padres: Marquis’d!

San Francisco Giants: A Pagan-‘ffeldt Scooter.

Seattle Mariners: Meh.

St. Louis Cardinals: Wigginton’d! AKA, Meh.

Tampa Bay Rays: TWMT (The Wil Myers Trade)

Texas Rangers: Sorry, dudes.

Toronto Blue Jays: Wow.

Washington Nationals: Let Their Haren Grow Out