Alex Rodriguez Addresses His Tenants’ Concerns

What follows marks the debut post from Andrew Kelly. Of Mr. Kelly, many have said, “He’s a liar.” Of Mr. Kelly, we say, “No, he’s not. He just has a gift for fiction.”

Mr. Kelly’s submission investigates a recent news report revealing that an apartment complex owned by Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez isn’t up to code. Coincidentally (or not!), the Preakness Stakes has announced an unusual partnership with a centaur — that mythical creature with which Rodriguez has demonstrated more than a passing interest.

In what follows, Mr. Kelly recounts an episode — exactly as it totally, actually happened — that appears to bind these seemingly disparate ties together.

Are you Ms. Ruiz, apartment 212? You are? Ahem.

BEHOLD! I am Kegasus, the tasteless new mascot of the Preakness Stakes. But for the other 364 days of the year I manage Newport Villas for my good friend and brother centaur, Alex Rodriguez. First of all Mr. Rodriguez would like to apologize for any problems you’ve experienced. As you may know, in recent years he has been plagued by injuries, but this year is different. This year it will be his opponents weeping instead of the running sore on his buttock! And just as things will be better on the field, so they shall be off the field as Rodrigasus has sent you this to solve all your problems:

As you can see it’s a 4’ X 8’ duplicate of the painting on his bedroom wall printed on finest velvet! Here, let’s hang it over your window. So much better. Now you can’t see the broken fences around the complex. You can’t even hear Poot and NeNe conducting their business transactions in the parking lot. And this velvet is so luxurious that it would likely repel stray gunfire! Is not Mr. Rodriguez wise? Is he not generous?

And now, Kegasus away!

Oh, could you point me to the elevator? Those crumbling stairs are tough on the hooves.