Akron Makes, The World Takes

Some say the Red Sox had the biggest offseason in baseball. I say: Maybe. If you define “baseball” as “the Major Leagues” and “biggest offseason” as “biggest offseason on-field personnel improvement.” Loose those artificial constraints, however, and what flaps forth? but the majestic snow white ibis that has been the ballpark concessions-related offseason of the AA Akron Aeros.

What happened is that, at some point this December, the Aeros announced a new food option for 2011 home games: the “Three Dog Night.” This is a kielbasa with a bratwurst inside it. And there’s also a hot dog inside the bratwurst. Picture, courtesy of Ben’s Biz Blog:

In-progress and complete.

The Three Dog Night got press attention. In response the Aeros swore to keep debuting crazy foods every month until Opening Day.

Well, the sun has set and risen again the preordained number of times, and so last week the Akron Aeros handed down their latest brainchild: the “Nice 2 Meat You.”

This sandwich has been digitally blurred for its protection.

Per the official Aeros press release: “This burger is a colossal creation – 1 ¼ lb. hamburger, stuffed with a ½ lb. hot dog, and ¼ lb. of bacon, cheese, and onions.” Team EVP & COO Jim Pfander goes on:

“Where else can you find a two pound burger that includes other meat sensations, such as hot dogs and bacon, and with cheese and onions for extra flavor? Along with ‘3 Dog Night’, the ‘Nice 2 Meat You’ Burger will provide some extreme food options at Canal Park this summer. We are looking forward to feeding many fans with Akron’s newest food sensations.”

I think I’d stick with the Three Dog Night over the Nice 2 Meat You; the latter smells distinctly like the greasy manifestation of a second-place idea. But then who knows what a man would do, set down in Akron on a humid summer night, four beers to the wet, with a Double-A ballgame spread out before him like God’s own tablecloth? Men are unknowable things. Sometimes it takes the Akron Aeros to remind us of that.