Abridg’d! : Trouble with the Curve

Last night, I watched one of the worst baseball films I have ever seen.

If you have not yet seen Trouble with the Curve, I hope you will spare yourself the full-on shitsperience of it, instead consuming the following abridged version, complete with screencaps!

TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE

Clint Eastwood plays an old baseball scout in the Braves organization who yells at his pee.

Blu-Ray: The only way to watch a man with an enlarged prostate urinate.

Clint Eastwood’s scouting job is in jeopardy because Shaggy Lillard reads a computer and wears a suit without a tie and thinks Clint Eastwood is blind.

“I have 7-WAR farts — you smell that, yo?!”

Actually Clint Eastwood is kind of going blind.

“These better not be those damn-hell-confoobled Google Goggles!”

Also, Shaggy has the ear of the Braves’ GM, who is played by the T-1000.

Your foster parents have been murdered.

Luckily, Clint Eastwood has John Goodman’s moustache on his side.

“My face is stuck like this, for your enjoyment.
Please caption the expression on my face on your hilarious weblog.”

Johnny Goodjowls convinces Clint Eastwood’s daughter, Mickey Amy Adams, to go with him (Eastwood) on a scouting trip so, you know, she can make sure his prostate doesn’t get too big. Mickey is a hot shot lawyer trying to make partner in a firm of bigoted men like her father. She is named after Mickey Mantle.

He even smells blind.

Anyway, the Braves want to draft this Bo McGiblets guy, who is called a five-tool player.

The third through fifth tools are eating tacos, day snacking, and befuddlement.

But the Braves are worried that the Red Sox might take Bo with the pick before them. Enter Justin Fucking Baseballake, who is a player Clint Eastwood drafted several years back, but has since blown out his arm and is now a scout for — surprise! — the Red Sox.

Stalks sandlot games.

Juggy Baseballake really wants to be a shitty broadcaster, though. And he really, really wants to have sex with Mickey Amy Adams, who, I should mention, can play pool better than anyone and knows way more about baseball than Jinny Ballnuts or even her blind old scout dad.

Mickey smash balls!

Mickey is mad at her dad because all he ever wanted to do was watch baseball. She can watch baseball and do other stuff at the same time, so she doesn’t understand why he can’t multitask. Also, he left her with an estranged relative when she was six years old and never called her.

“Oh I do wish the Goblins would come and take you away!”

But then Junky Baseballnips takes Mickey Amy Adams for a night out on the town, where they meet a magical, blues-guitar-playing black man, busking on a street bench, just waiting for the chance to change a couple of white people’s lives.

“Blues guitarist, 31 years.”

Then J and Mickey kiss in a lake, where they are swimming in their underwear. Mickey even gets her dad to tell her about why he left her; she is still mad but begins the long process of forgiving him and seems happier.

Back at the diamond the next day, Bo McFiveTools can’t hit a curveball, which Clint Eastwood knows when he hears the sound off the bat on one curveball that Bo hits. Now that’s knowhow. To boot, Mickey — who, remember, knows more about baseball than even Baseball Itself, and, of course, can actually see — confirms: Bo’s hands drift on breaking balls.

But the T-1000 ignores Clint Eastwood and John Goodmeal, instead taking Shaggy’s advice to draft Bo-Fats anyway. Just like that, Clint Eastwood is back to eating gross pizza for breakfast.

Five-tool ‘za, Clint? Sniff and find out, by all means.

But when everything looks like it sucks for all the main characters, and that Clint Eastwood will die splendidly face-down in anchovies, weak-streaming his last onto twenty-year-old copies of Baseball America, Mickey Amy Adams hears a curveball outside her window and signs a kid who has never pitched in organized baseball before, even though she doesn’t work for the Braves.

Presenting Rigo, the very handsome and talented deus ex machina.

Everyone is confused how Rigo can strike out McGiggles…

The very captionable John Goodman’s Moustache (left), Mickey Amy Adams (cross-armed),
and the corpse of Clint Eastwood (right).

…but then they remember why: Bo Jangles has TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE.

Then all get to decide whether or not they are rich and happy forever after, including Jiggy Wit’It Timberballs, whom Mickey accepts as her hot-ass charity case.

The end.

If that sounds good to you, here:

IMDb seems to have made a mistake…